Family

Something that was mentioned in church yesterday - I think it was Relief Society - got me thinking about family.

My actual family is...amazing. We all suck at communicating, so often times we don't know what's going on in each others' lives. Or, we think good communication is when we get together and poke fun at one another. In fact, the family member that I'm closest to other than Amy and Stephen is my sister in law, Leigh. I'm not even related to her by blood! But, that's how it goes. Not being in close proximity to them, besides Amy and Stephen (I'm SO grateful they are up here!) has made me appreciate each of them more than I did before. I miss them lots.

But...my family is so much more than the people that I'm actually related to. I have two choir families from Mesa High - A Cappella and Chamber. I miss those people so, so, so, so, so incredibly much. (Side note: I miss lots of people...but not in the same way that I did when I first got up here. It's not crippling anymore. It's just one of those things in the back of my mind that I start thinking about when I have time.) They all mean so much to me. Basically, I would do anything in my power to help them with anything they needed.

My ward/stake family back in Mesa. Lots of fond memories with the kids my age, those younger than me in Young Women, and the awesome leaders. They helped strengthen me a lot.

There's my ward family here. I seriously LOVE my ward. There's so many incredible people. I learn so much in sacrament meeting, Sunday School, and Relief Society. I'm grateful to be in this ward.

Then there's my roommates. Awesomeness on a stick. Or sticks, I guess. My family here in Flagstaff. I couldn't ask for better roommates. They put up with me...sometimes better than my actual family...haha. I was really nervous about having roommates at first, but the bond that I've made with each of them makes me feel foolish for having worries at all. It's always happy time in my apartment when all 5 of us are in the apartment together. There's so much service that goes on, so much love, laughter, craziness...just absolutely amazingness. Basically, I love us.

But...there's also another family member out there. He doesn't have much love for us. He is Satan. I don't know why it struck me so strong yesterday, but the teacher said that Satan is our brother. His greatest desire is to make us miserable for eternity. To have dominion over us. It just got me thinking. I have this great big family - by blood or not - so am I treated the people within it right? Or am I making them miserable with selfishness? Family is incredibly important, no matter what kind of family. I should think a little bit (or a lot) less of myself and more of those around me, those that I love. Am I expressing that love? Am I showing that I care for them? I don't want to be like Satan...I don't want to be the one that stabs everyone that cares about me in the heart. I'm sure Satan used to love us. He just grew to love himself more. Does he still love us? But his jealously and bitterness simply overwhelms that love?

Sometimes I feel bad for him, no matter how difficult he likes to make life sometimes. He's forgotten the joy of loving others, and that caring about others and their needs instead of tearing them down is so much more freeing than any power you could ever gain. Thinking about others instead of yourself lifts you up instead of making your miserable - because thinking about yourself WILL make you miserable. You'll either start to pity yourself or thinking you're better than you really are.

Think about your family - all of them. What do they mean to you? I...simply can't imagine doing what Satan has done, and is doing to us, people who he perhaps once loved and love him back. But, I guess there's a fear...that maybe I do sometimes make others' lives miserable. Sometimes,maybe, I'm too selfish and I think of my desires before anything else. Maybe instead of lifting them up, I somehow tear them down without even knowing. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be like Satan...I want to be good. I want to love, and show that love. I want to be a sister like Christ is a brother to us. Definitely a new thing to work on.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it's frustrating...

•  When things pile up in my life and I thought I had finally started handling things well.
• When life seems to perfect one day and then the next day I feel like I'm going to explode from the tension inside of me.
• When teachers give out silly assignments and then don't get back to me when I have a question.
• When I try my hardest to fit the things in my life that I need to - like scripture study - and even when I do, things seem to be harder than most times I've experienced.
• When I'm so exhausted no matter what I do, and I have zero time for even a five minute nap so I feel like I'm going to collapse.
• When I know I'm being obnoxious because I'm tired and stressed but I can't seem to find the self-control inside of me to stop.
• When I can feel myself regressing, but I'm too tired to try to stop myself.
• When I'm not only tired physically,  but also mentally, emotionally...maybe even spiritually...

BUT!! Sometimes, I realized how blessed I am, how much I have to be grateful for, how much I know this is where I'm meant to be...

• When I have roommates who will do the dishes on my day to do them
• When my roommates put up with me being in my ridiculous, crazy, annoying, I-need-to-sleep-for-an-entire-day moods
• When my roommates laugh at me or sympathize when I complain instead of rolling their eyes because it's annoying how much I complain.
• When my roommates have made me dinner (and didn't eat it...) on a Wednesday, the day I have a class that lasts until 8 at night. 
• When Mike still wants to spend time with me, even when I'm being obnoxious and slightly annoying from stress and lack of sleep.
• When I don't have to do my part check for choir on Wednesday, and get to do it on Friday.
• When I ask Erika to change my password on Facebook after a really bad day, because I need to learn to time-manage, so she does it, but will let me on occasionally.
• When Yolie, my boss, offers me a new job in the new department she and someone else is setting up on campus, and it's a job that fits me even better than the one I have now.
• When I have friends who support me when I am feeling my lowest.
• When I have friends who will listen to me, whether it's venting or just needing someone to talk to.
• When I have friends who urge me to do my best and to be my best.
• When I know my friends care about me and are trying to help me.
• When I go to choir feeling like crap, but then we sing a certain song so that I can't help but smile and feel good inside.
• When I sing in the adult session of stake conference in the institute choir, and I feel the spirit so incredibly strong.
• Heck, when I get to sing in the institute choir!
• When I say a prayer asking for help with something, and I'm able to recognize the help the Lord is giving me.

Sometimes...we have trials in our lives. Trials are not meant to be easy. This particular one is definitely testing EVERYTHING. My endurance. My strength. My patience. My faith. But, the Lord constantly sends help my way. He never leaves me alone, no matter how discouraged I get or how dark things feel. He sends me little moments, little tender mercies that allow me to see the light, thought sometimes I don't realize it until after it passes.

Sometimes...things are hard. Things end up being very different that what you expected. But the Lord has a plan.

Sometimes it's hard to keep perspective when you're in the midst of a trial. I think that's why the Lord will give me little respites, so I can remember all that He's given me.

Life has gotten hard for me. But I can't help but see how blessed I am. Sometimes...I just need little reminders.

I'm just lovin' life!

So it's been like two weeks since I last posted...life has gotten pretty busy for me. But, I seriously am just loving it all right now. School is...hectic. The past couple of weeks. I was having a really hard time trying to find the balance for everything. School, work, social life, church. It got intense for a little while. But, things have seemed to come together. Granted, it's not like life is going to be perfect. Heck, I woke up today with swollen glands. If I get any sicker, that means no work, and miserable school. BUT!! That's ok. Anyways, I'm just gonna give a little recap of the past two weeks.

Labor Day weekend, I went down to the Valley. (Funny how I've started calling Mesa the Valley. I never did that before. The influences of Flag, I guess.) It was an...interesting experience. To make a long story short, I simply learned that Mesa is not my home anymore. While there are people there that I love, and people there that care about me, it's just not where I'm meant to be. It's nice to visit, but not for very long. My life isn't there anymore, and the people's lives there don't involve me anymore (that sounds more awful than it really is, trust me. I don't want anyone feeling bad.) So, Flag is home for me at the moment. I know I've said that before, but I always had Mesa in the back of my mind too, but, it's not home anymore.

Then, there was school. Pretty much typical Beth. Stressing, worrying, trying to fit everything in. Having an essay to write, but procrastinating and not focusing. There was this forever long choir rehearsal of the Holiday Dinner we do. It made me miss Mrs. Jones, my old choir teacher SO incredibly much. All the warm ups she did were exactly like hers. We're singing a song that we sang my junior year, in essentially the same exact way. Granted this is all because she went to NAU for school, so that's where she learned everything. But it made me nostalgic. And reminded me why I love singing so much! Mrs. Jones instilled a love of choir in me. I enjoyed it in junior high, but in reality...it wasn't a real choir class. I didn't learn anything until high school choir. And then I didn't just like choir and like singing, I LOVED it! And it only increased with each year of choir.

And then the weekend. Fabulous, let me tell you. There was that choir thing that was...draining. But like I said, I love singing, so it was bearable. Then I hung out with Katie Alston for a little bit. I seriously LOVE having her up here. Then...I went on a date. I went swing dancing (sorta) and then watched an incredible lightning storm. (For those of you who know me well...you can interpret the fact that I went dancing on a date however you wish...) On Sunday I gave my first Relief Society lesson. and I think is was a success. I was super nervous while I was giving it, but everyone said they couldn't tell, and that they really liked it. So I'll just take it and pretend like I'm an awesome teacher! After giving the initial lesson, I think I may really enjoy teaching. I love sharing my testimony with people and sharing knowledge with others. Plus, it's just nice to have a calling, because then I know this is where I'm supposed to be, or else the Lord wouldn't have called me to it. Plus, you get blessings when you have a calling. I'll take whatever blessings I can get right now!

And then yesterday was just...happy. No other word for it. I just got things done, I was productive. Everything seemed to be going well. I'm not even feeling stressed! I can't remember the last time I didn't feel stressed! It's just wonderful to feel this way right now. To be so happy. To be surrounded by the amazing people that I am. To be able to go to church, and to have a job, and to be able to learn in school. Sometimes, I just need a reminder of how good life is, and how I should be more grateful for the things in it. Just because life gets a little hard doesn't mean there aren't blessings hidden. There always will be a positive thing in your life. You just have to look for it. Yes. Life is good.