Beth has been keeping a secret...would you like to know it?

Well, it's not exactly a secret...I mean I haven't gone around telling people it, and if people ask me straight up about it, sometimes I'll tell them and sometimes I'll beat around the bush. You see...this subject if very near and dear to my heart. It is the subject of missionary work. From about age 4, I was determined to go on a mission. It was my greatest goal in life. My primary teacher, Sis. Scott, said she was leaving to go on a mission. Being 4 years old and only seeing boys leave, I was thoroughly confused.  I mean, only boys were allowed to go, right? She explained to me that girls could go too, at age 21, if they wanted to. From that moment, I knew I was going to go. I remember, even at age 8, someone asked me if I wanted to go on a mission (I don't remember why they asked me, but I remember this instance) and I responded with a resounding, "Yes!" They looked a little shocked. And probably didn't believe 8 year old me.

So, I went through the next 10 years of my life, intending to go on a mission - that is, if I didn't get married first. I wouldn't complain if that happened. But then, I hit college. And I feel so at home. I mean, yes, there's stress and problems, and, hey, life is hard. But, it was great! Flagstaff was (is) fantastic. I felt so comfortable. Psychology is my calling in life. Heavenly Father told me multiple times last year that psychology is definitely what I'm meant to be studying and ultimately what I'm supposed to do with my life. So...going on a mission didn't make sense. It didn't fit. Although I still knew it'd be awesome to go...I lost a great part of that desire to go. It kinda got pushed into the very corners of my mind.

Then, about February-ish, the sister missionaries that were in Flagstaff with the YSA were Sis. Wise and Sis. Vaughan.  It was when they were here that I started getting involved with missionary work up here. I would go to lessons and stuff. And, after I would do things with them, I felt that desire stir inside of me. But then, a few days later - maybe even a couple hours later - I'd get sucked back into collegeland and psychology everything, and that desire got smothered and pushed back.

Months go by and then it's October. General Conference. I go up to Utah with my roommate, Kathleen. We didn't have tickets, but we stood in the stand-by lines with hopes of getting into the conference center. And we got there extremely early. While we were waiting in line, a sister missionary walks up to us - from Hong Kong, China, of all places - and starts talking to us. After talking with Kathleen about some stuff, she turns to me, and, in a not quite logical change of subject, she asks, "So, have you ever thought about serving a mission?" I was taken aback. I responded, "Well, yeah. Ever since I was really little, I've always wanted to go. But since coming to college, I've wondered if maybe serving a mission isn't right for me." And then the conversation moved on. But, before she walked away, she turned towards me and said, "Be sure you think about a mission today in conference." And...and hour or two later, sitting in the tabernacle, (Not the conference center. I know. Sad.) I hear President Monson announce the lowering of the age requirements to 19 for girls.

My mind was reeling. I don't think I've ever had so many thoughts at once; I don't think my brain has ever thought so quickly in my life. Within like 2 minutes, I had figured out what I might have to give up to go, my possible options, the things I would need to do, the money I would have to spend, pretty much everything. And then for the entire session, I was thinking, "What the crap?! I can go on a mission. Am I supposed to go on a mission? It doesn't make sense logically. Holy crap I can go on a mission!! I think I want to. Am I supposed to? My mom is going to freak. Oh my crap, oh my crap, oh my crap!! Am I supposed to go? What does Heavenly Father want me to do. I'M SO CONFUSED!!"

And that pretty much was what on my mind for a few days. I thought I got my answer on Monday, but then I started over-analyzing everything and I freaked. But, then Tuesday, I took the time to sit down, calm myself, and read the Father's blessing that was given to me at the beginning of the semester and my Patriarchal Blessing. And then...I picked up my phone and set up an appointment with the Bishop for that night and then Skyped with my mother. You guys...I'm going on a mission!!

I know there's a bajillion of people going. There are tons of people who have made this same exact statement. That's part of the reason why I've kinda been keeping this quiet. Because I didn't want it to seem like I was jumping on the bandwagon; I didn't want people to disregard what a special revelation this was to me; I didn't want my announcement to take away the sacredness and specialness of others' announcement. This process of trying to discover what the Lord wants me to do has been an incredible one. I grew so close to Heavenly Father, because I was striving so hard to align my will with His. And it's still a process. There's still a lot I need to figure out, there's still a lot I need to go to Him about. And, He keeps sending me reminders that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

This week, I had kinda been losing that...that fire. I got distracted once again. But then, Sis. Wise, called me and I talked with her for a little while about mission stuff. And, it couldn't have been more timely. Because I have that fire again - that excitement, that drive, that intense desire.

It's really hard to focus on school; I just want to focus on preparing to serve. And, I honestly have no clue when I'm going to be able to go; I kinda have like...no money. So, what I'm doing is not doing school next semester and working full time. In truth, that was a really hard choice to make, but once the spirit was like, "Beth, this is the best option for you," I dropped all plans I had concerning classes for next semester. I still plan on staying in Flagstaff. I feel like I need to stay here to do the growing that I need to do.

So yeah. That's my secret. I want to go so bad that it hurts. I don't want to wait. But, at the same time, I'm freaked about going. I'm willing to dedicate those 18 months to the Lord - I can't wait to show that devotion to Him! - but it's going to be so different and so hard. So, so, so hard. But, I'm going.

If you happen to talk to me about it, and I don't seem too enthusiastic to talk about it, don't get offended. It's just, this is very special stuff to me; sometimes I just don't want to talk about it.

But, you know what the best part of all this is? Preparing to be able to go here:

The temple is the place to be. And I. Can't. Wait. To. Go. No words. No words to express how incredibly excited I am to know that I will be able to participate in sacred ordinances that I thought I would have to wait...years to participate in. You guys. I'm going to be going to the temple!! With in a year! AAHHHHH!! 

The church is true. I know it is. I'm willing to put everything on hold for 2 years so I can earn the money to go, and then go. And, there is one thing that I hold more dear than my knowledge that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true, and that is my knowledge of the Savior. One day, relatively soon, I will be able to devote every waking hour to preaching of Christ and bringing others closer to Him. That is the greatest thing ever, because He is the Light. The Way. The only to true and everlasting happiness. 

So. That's it. I am preparing to serve a full time mission, to serve my Heavenly Father, bringing His children, my brothers and sisters into His fold. And I can't wait!!