Do you ever get just absolutely discouraged? You know, when things aren't going the way you think they should? That tends to happen to me when I feel like Heavenly Father should have things happen differently. This week I've had this experience. Apparently there is much I need to learn in regards to patience and trust in the Lord's time. And trust in the Lord's way.
I had some confusion about something, a choice that could, quite possibly, effect the date in which I would be available to go on a mission. In other words, it could make it possible for me to leave sooner than I desire. But...this confusion led to doubts. It led to many other feelings. Frustration. Discouragement. Stress. It led me to question many other decisions I've recently made. It's funny. Within the past two and a half months, I have made probably as many big decisions as I have in the rest of my 19 years. But, ultimately, it came to the point that the only decision I knew, absolutely knew, was the correct decision - the only decision I haven't questioned at all - was my decision to go on a mission.
And then, the reality of how easy it would be to just...enroll in classes again and just forget all about this mission stuff hit me. And it was a much strong temptation than I thought it would be. It would be SO easy. It would be a lot easier to go to school than to prepare for a mission. As hard and stressful as school is...it will be much easier than going on a mission; the dedication one must put forth on a mission is incredible. None of that time is yours - it's all the Lord's, and it should all be spent devoted to doing what can best serve others.
So, all this confusion and doubt was really bringing me down. So, what did I do? Well, I talked to the sister missionaries. I have this thing with letting people know about the not-happy-or-positive- thoughts and feelings that go on inside of me. I don't do it. I have a hard time with it. An entire lifetime of people being like, "Oh, Beth, these people look up to you, because of your strength, your faith, your example. You're just so great!" It makes me feel like a phony. It makes me feel like if I show any sign of weakness, I'm letting those people down. I know, it's irrational. It's silly. It's prideful. But I can't do it. Even with many of my closest friends, whom I trust SO much, I cannot share those things. Writing it on this blog? Well, it's slightly different. One, I'm pretty much over it. Two...I'm not actually telling anyone in specific. Three, I know only a handful of people actually read this and most of them are family, so, no big deal.
Anyways. I talked to the sister missionaries. More for comfort than for an actual answer to my confusion. And. Let me tell you. Sister Ferrell was very firm with me. She obviously was very loving. She gave advice - and some scriptures to read (go figure! A missionary through and through) - but,when it came right down to it, she was just like, "Beth. You know. You know what's right, you know the spirit and how to recognize it. Just have a little more faith a trust." Gentle and loving, but firm. I feel like if I ever came up to her and told her, for whatever reason, that I was leaving the church, she would spit fire at me and single-handily reconvert me. Quite frankly, I'd be terrified to tell her that.
It is the sisters like Sister Ferrell - and many, many of the other sisters I have come into contact with in the past year or so - who inspire me, who keep this fiery desire to go on a mission burning. And now, although I still really don't know how things are going to work out...I know they will! Because I have faith. And hope. And that awful confusion and discouragement that I was feeling is banished. I'm still a little anxious. But I know that it will work out. Because Heavenly Father wants me to go on a mission - because I want to go on a mission. He will make it possible. He will provide a way. Hope has brightened the way.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Joy to the World
We live in a broken world. A dark world full of evils and cruelties and sadness. It's days like today that I find it hard to see the good in the world. But...the thing is...there IS good. There is such wonderful, beautiful light. There is love. There is peace. There is good. There is hope. But, above all, there is joy.
Yesterday I helped the sister missionaries do a lesson. It was kind of a strange day for me, and I felt like I needed that boost of extra spirit and happiness in my day. I feel like I need it more today. But, what we did for the lesson was watch the video Joy to the World. It was one the church made a few years back. It show the nativity scene, along with scenes from Christ's life. Christmas songs are sung in the background by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. When Sister Ferrell asked me what I was thinking about, I answered with, "Joy."
Christ is joy. The song "Joy to the World" is about how Christ brought joy to this earth by being born. He is joy. No matter what goes on in life, He still wants us to find joy in Him. This is why He was born in a stable - a stable of all of places! And a stable back then was nothing more than a cave! He was born to a poor family, raised by lowly means. He suffered for us and died for us. He could have spent His entire life looking around and saying, "Look at the world. Look at the wickedness. Look at these sins you people are committing. I'm going to suffer for them!" He could have focused on that His entire life and had no joy, because He was looking towards the dark gloom. Instead, He uplifted. He loved with a love we cannot comprehend. He praised people for the good they did, for the repentance they went through. He found joy in the smallest of things. He, who had to suffer so much more than we ever will suffer. He was happy throughout His life. And it is important that we strive to do so also, that we strive to see the good and the light in people.
It's true, He was not always joyful. He took the time to weep with Mary and Martha. He grieved for sins. That's important. "Mourn with those who mourn" you know? But, do not get discouraged by the darkness that's out there. Because if you fail to look for those glimpses of light and love, you will be overwhelmed with darkness. Yes, it's ok to be sad. But do not lose hope and peace. Remember this wonderful, wonderful man:
Merry Christmas, my friends. May this Christmas season bring your closer to the Savior, fill your hearts with ever increasing love, and bring peace to your heart and soul. Jesus Christ was born for me and for you. Joy to the world!
Yesterday I helped the sister missionaries do a lesson. It was kind of a strange day for me, and I felt like I needed that boost of extra spirit and happiness in my day. I feel like I need it more today. But, what we did for the lesson was watch the video Joy to the World. It was one the church made a few years back. It show the nativity scene, along with scenes from Christ's life. Christmas songs are sung in the background by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. When Sister Ferrell asked me what I was thinking about, I answered with, "Joy."
Christ is joy. The song "Joy to the World" is about how Christ brought joy to this earth by being born. He is joy. No matter what goes on in life, He still wants us to find joy in Him. This is why He was born in a stable - a stable of all of places! And a stable back then was nothing more than a cave! He was born to a poor family, raised by lowly means. He suffered for us and died for us. He could have spent His entire life looking around and saying, "Look at the world. Look at the wickedness. Look at these sins you people are committing. I'm going to suffer for them!" He could have focused on that His entire life and had no joy, because He was looking towards the dark gloom. Instead, He uplifted. He loved with a love we cannot comprehend. He praised people for the good they did, for the repentance they went through. He found joy in the smallest of things. He, who had to suffer so much more than we ever will suffer. He was happy throughout His life. And it is important that we strive to do so also, that we strive to see the good and the light in people.
It's true, He was not always joyful. He took the time to weep with Mary and Martha. He grieved for sins. That's important. "Mourn with those who mourn" you know? But, do not get discouraged by the darkness that's out there. Because if you fail to look for those glimpses of light and love, you will be overwhelmed with darkness. Yes, it's ok to be sad. But do not lose hope and peace. Remember this wonderful, wonderful man:
He loves you and He did not suffer and die for naught. Remember Him and let peace fill your soul. Those innocent whose lives were lost this day are in a much happier place than this dreary world. Families can be together for ever, because of our Savior Jesus Christ. Find reason to rejoice on this day, at least one.
Merry Christmas, my friends. May this Christmas season bring your closer to the Savior, fill your hearts with ever increasing love, and bring peace to your heart and soul. Jesus Christ was born for me and for you. Joy to the world!
Friday, December 7, 2012
Live Like We're Dying
Sometimes I wonder how well we all listen to each other. I know I can do better. Sometimes at work, when someone walks in I say, "Hi, how can I help you?" and the response they give me is, "I'm good." and I'm like...cool...how can I help you? Granted, Hanna does say, "Hi, how are you?" when someone walks in. Probably because she's more polite and nicer than me. And partly because, if someone just lost their card, they tend to be in a cranky mood, and I don't feel like opening that can of worms. I'm not a therapist quite yet. Anyways. Maybe they respond with, "I'm good" because they've come in when Hanna is working as asks that. But, that still means they did not listen to the words I myself said when they walked in. And, it made me wonder, how often do we really, truly listen to what the people around us have to say. I mean, yes. There's those people who go on, and on, and on, and really have nothing of substance to say. But what if they DO have something to say that might inspire a thought in you? But you were so wrapped up in your own thoughts, your own problems, what you were going to say next, that you really didn't take the effort to listen to what they were saying.
This morning while I was straightening up my room a wee bit, I was listening to some music. Kris Allen's "Live Like We're Dying" song came on. And, I've done a blog post on this song before. Because the song always, always makes me think about what I'm doing, and the love I'm showing and expressing. And...how would I really live my life if I knew I was going to die the very next day? Wouldn't you care about what the ones you love had to say to you? Wouldn't you want to know all about them, learn everything about them you didn't know before then? And, yes, you obviously would want to say much to them, so they know how much you care about them. But, I feel like if we knew we were going to die the very next day, we would do a lot of things a lot more...intently. With a lot more meaning behind them. With a lot more purpose. And, maybe, this is how we should live every day of our lives! We don't know when our lives will end. We don't know when the end will come, when the Second Coming will happen, when we may lose someone we love. So make every day count.
What would you do if you knew you were doing to die the next day? It's kind of a hard thing to think about - because we've never experienced it, so it's hard to say, "I would do THIS!" But...what I'd like to think I would do, if I had this knowledge, is make sure I let the people I know that I love them. Truly, and honestly love them. And try to make sure that they know that it's true. I probably would bear my testimony of the Church and of the Savior with those people, as well, because it is pretty much the most precious thing I have, and it is the most important knowledge that I have.
So much of our lives should be motivated by love - at least in my opinion. So, love should motivate us to listen a little better, speak a little more earnestly, think a little less about ourselves, and spend a little bit more time doing service, especially for the ones we love.
"How come we don't say I love you enough?"
This morning while I was straightening up my room a wee bit, I was listening to some music. Kris Allen's "Live Like We're Dying" song came on. And, I've done a blog post on this song before. Because the song always, always makes me think about what I'm doing, and the love I'm showing and expressing. And...how would I really live my life if I knew I was going to die the very next day? Wouldn't you care about what the ones you love had to say to you? Wouldn't you want to know all about them, learn everything about them you didn't know before then? And, yes, you obviously would want to say much to them, so they know how much you care about them. But, I feel like if we knew we were going to die the very next day, we would do a lot of things a lot more...intently. With a lot more meaning behind them. With a lot more purpose. And, maybe, this is how we should live every day of our lives! We don't know when our lives will end. We don't know when the end will come, when the Second Coming will happen, when we may lose someone we love. So make every day count.
What would you do if you knew you were doing to die the next day? It's kind of a hard thing to think about - because we've never experienced it, so it's hard to say, "I would do THIS!" But...what I'd like to think I would do, if I had this knowledge, is make sure I let the people I know that I love them. Truly, and honestly love them. And try to make sure that they know that it's true. I probably would bear my testimony of the Church and of the Savior with those people, as well, because it is pretty much the most precious thing I have, and it is the most important knowledge that I have.
So much of our lives should be motivated by love - at least in my opinion. So, love should motivate us to listen a little better, speak a little more earnestly, think a little less about ourselves, and spend a little bit more time doing service, especially for the ones we love.
"How come we don't say I love you enough?"
Monday, December 3, 2012
It's the end of an era for one Beth Ann Root
For the past six and a half years of my life, I've been in choir - not all of them were good choirs, and a couple of my choir directors almost sucked the joy of singing out of me (which is why I have such a great appreciate for good directors) - but choir has become a HUGE part of my life.
Music is very important to me; I'm not very good as expressing what I'm thinking or feeling, so I use music to convey the feelings inside of me. Lately, music has taken a back seat - life is crazy! I'm a stressed college student, trying to do all my school work, work, fulfill church callings and obligations, trying (sort of) to have a social life, and sleep enough so I'm not a big crankypants. My piano skills have been sorely neglected and my guitar has been sitting in a corner, gathering dust. Choir has been keeping me sane; keeping me involved in music; keeping that love of music alive inside of me.
It was such a blessing, the day I decided to take choir instead of doing sports, like I had wanted to do for the first 15 years of my life. (When I was 8, it was my dream to become the first woman in Major League Baseball. Don't you dare laugh. If I had been on a team and had been trained, I would have been a stinkin' good player!) Do you know how different of a person I would have been without music? I would probably be a much angrier person; music has softened me, has made me into a gentler person. I would probably be even worse than I already am at expressing myself. Essentially, that fated day, when I made that decision, has forever changed my life. I call Divine Intervention on that one.
Today was my last day of choir for 2 years. And, maybe, my last day of choir for much, much longer than that. Except for institute choir. But, truthfully, that's not real...choir-y. This thought...has saddened me greatly. It was probably one of the saddest moments of my life. Honestly. Even though I have been neglecting music more than I should, even though I'm not the most musically talented, even though I don't know as much about music as a lot of other people, it is still very important to me - it's the feeling that music invokes, and the power it has to touch the hearts of people.
Music is a blessing. It's a gift from God. God loves music. He loves it when a person sings, even if they are not the best singer, and He especially loves it when we sing to glorify Him, to proclaim our testimony and love for Him. Choir has been such an important part of my life. It's what made my senior year of high school. My sophomore year of high school in choir made me remember why choir was so amazing, why I loved it so much. And last night, the last performance of Holiday Dinner (as much as I complained about it, every time I started singing, all my worries and complaints went away, as I was enveloped in the music) reminded me of why I sing! It reminded me of the power one has with music - which is why one must only listen to and participate in good, wholesome music. Last night, as we finished up our performance, I was thinking about how I wouldn't be taking choir for a couple of years. And I was just like, "Huh. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted." This morning, sitting in choir for the last time this semester, I was holding back tears the entire class period. Because I looked around at all the girls, and realized that I loved them so much. Even the ones that I'm pretty sure I've never spoken a word to. There's just a bond that is formed when you sing with someone. And the thought of not coming back, and not singing with them, not sharing those special moments with them. And, simply not being in a choir. It was a hard thing for me.
To close, I want to share this song that, several years ago, touched my heart. And expresses, quite well, my feelings towards music. It kinda became known as my song my senior year. It truly is fantastic. And, when I heard it, and truly listened to it for the first time, it changed the way I saw music.
Let music never die in me! Forever let my spirit sing! Let music live!
Music is very important to me; I'm not very good as expressing what I'm thinking or feeling, so I use music to convey the feelings inside of me. Lately, music has taken a back seat - life is crazy! I'm a stressed college student, trying to do all my school work, work, fulfill church callings and obligations, trying (sort of) to have a social life, and sleep enough so I'm not a big crankypants. My piano skills have been sorely neglected and my guitar has been sitting in a corner, gathering dust. Choir has been keeping me sane; keeping me involved in music; keeping that love of music alive inside of me.
It was such a blessing, the day I decided to take choir instead of doing sports, like I had wanted to do for the first 15 years of my life. (When I was 8, it was my dream to become the first woman in Major League Baseball. Don't you dare laugh. If I had been on a team and had been trained, I would have been a stinkin' good player!) Do you know how different of a person I would have been without music? I would probably be a much angrier person; music has softened me, has made me into a gentler person. I would probably be even worse than I already am at expressing myself. Essentially, that fated day, when I made that decision, has forever changed my life. I call Divine Intervention on that one.
Today was my last day of choir for 2 years. And, maybe, my last day of choir for much, much longer than that. Except for institute choir. But, truthfully, that's not real...choir-y. This thought...has saddened me greatly. It was probably one of the saddest moments of my life. Honestly. Even though I have been neglecting music more than I should, even though I'm not the most musically talented, even though I don't know as much about music as a lot of other people, it is still very important to me - it's the feeling that music invokes, and the power it has to touch the hearts of people.
Music is a blessing. It's a gift from God. God loves music. He loves it when a person sings, even if they are not the best singer, and He especially loves it when we sing to glorify Him, to proclaim our testimony and love for Him. Choir has been such an important part of my life. It's what made my senior year of high school. My sophomore year of high school in choir made me remember why choir was so amazing, why I loved it so much. And last night, the last performance of Holiday Dinner (as much as I complained about it, every time I started singing, all my worries and complaints went away, as I was enveloped in the music) reminded me of why I sing! It reminded me of the power one has with music - which is why one must only listen to and participate in good, wholesome music. Last night, as we finished up our performance, I was thinking about how I wouldn't be taking choir for a couple of years. And I was just like, "Huh. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted." This morning, sitting in choir for the last time this semester, I was holding back tears the entire class period. Because I looked around at all the girls, and realized that I loved them so much. Even the ones that I'm pretty sure I've never spoken a word to. There's just a bond that is formed when you sing with someone. And the thought of not coming back, and not singing with them, not sharing those special moments with them. And, simply not being in a choir. It was a hard thing for me.
To close, I want to share this song that, several years ago, touched my heart. And expresses, quite well, my feelings towards music. It kinda became known as my song my senior year. It truly is fantastic. And, when I heard it, and truly listened to it for the first time, it changed the way I saw music.
Let music never die in me! Forever let my spirit sing! Let music live!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
I Know This Man
Today has been a fantastic Sunday. Full of the Spirit. Full of experiences that have brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and to Jesus Christ. This evening we had a fireside on the Atonement. Needless to say...the spirit touched me deeply - those who saw me there would know it was true by the amount of tears I shed - and my love and appreciation for my Savior increased. There truly are no words I have to express the feelings I have for Him.
After the fireside, I decided I'd take the time to read the copy of Jesus the Christ I have - I don't have much time to read it right now. I'm waiting for the craziness of this semester to be over before I really dig in - and because some stuff was going on in the apartment, I stuck some headphones in my hears and started listening to Rob Gardner's Lamb of God while reading. That is like the ultimate experience, let me tell you. And, then, as I finished up the chapter I was reading, the song "I Cannot Watch Them" came on. Here, Peter denies Christ the three times, and then he realizes what he's done, and as he flees, he says, "What have I done?...I know this man!" Because of my experiences this day, I was struck by this song. I cannot forget what He did for me. Yet, I wonder how many times I deny Him. Do I ever turn my back on Him?
I cannot do this. I cannot afford it. How can I turn my back on the man who suffered for me, who makes it possible for me to repent, to have eternal happiness, and to transcend the temptations Satan puts before me. I cannot bear - I cannot afford - to let people degrade Him, dishonor Him, to bring Him down, to hurt Him! To this, I sing alongside Peter in this song, "I will not watch them crucify my Lord. For I know this man! I know Him! I know this man!"
Instead, I must dedicate my life to Him, just as Peter, just as Alma the elder and Alma the younger, just as Paul, just as any prophet, disciple, or follower of Christ whose life was changed by Him and His love. I must teach others of Him, bring others closer to Him, love as He did.
I know this man:
I look at my hands,
I look at the scars.
I look at the feet
That have carried me far.
I look at my face
With both beauties and flaws
Then I look at my eyes
But there I must pause.
So there I do look,
And hope that I see
A deep, shining light
That has often led me.
I see this great light
In leaders, friends, kids.
I look in my eyes
And hope it's not hid.
This wonderful light,
It's the light of Christ.
It's the light of the man
Who paid a great price.
One gloomy, dark night,
This wonderful man
Carried a great burden
That no other man can.
The very next morn
After the burden so great,
He died on a cross
To help our own fate.
I live my life so,
Maybe someday,
Words of gratitude, praise,
Words of love I can say.
I want to be worth
To tell Him these words.
So, in this long journey,
The light, I'll go towards.
So on that great day
When, face to face, we'll meet,
I'll fall on my knees,
With joy, Him I'll greet.
I'll look at His hands,
I'll look at the scars.
I'll look at the feet
That have helped me go far.
I'll look at His face
With just beauty, no flaws.
Then I'll look in His eyes,
And there, I will pause.
And I hope, will all hope
He will look back at me
And say, "Little sister,
I see me in thee."
I know I will weep,
And I hope He will say,
"Little sister, well done.
You've returned home today."
After the fireside, I decided I'd take the time to read the copy of Jesus the Christ I have - I don't have much time to read it right now. I'm waiting for the craziness of this semester to be over before I really dig in - and because some stuff was going on in the apartment, I stuck some headphones in my hears and started listening to Rob Gardner's Lamb of God while reading. That is like the ultimate experience, let me tell you. And, then, as I finished up the chapter I was reading, the song "I Cannot Watch Them" came on. Here, Peter denies Christ the three times, and then he realizes what he's done, and as he flees, he says, "What have I done?...I know this man!" Because of my experiences this day, I was struck by this song. I cannot forget what He did for me. Yet, I wonder how many times I deny Him. Do I ever turn my back on Him?
I cannot do this. I cannot afford it. How can I turn my back on the man who suffered for me, who makes it possible for me to repent, to have eternal happiness, and to transcend the temptations Satan puts before me. I cannot bear - I cannot afford - to let people degrade Him, dishonor Him, to bring Him down, to hurt Him! To this, I sing alongside Peter in this song, "I will not watch them crucify my Lord. For I know this man! I know Him! I know this man!"
Instead, I must dedicate my life to Him, just as Peter, just as Alma the elder and Alma the younger, just as Paul, just as any prophet, disciple, or follower of Christ whose life was changed by Him and His love. I must teach others of Him, bring others closer to Him, love as He did.
I know this man:
I know that this man lives. He lived, He died, and lives again, for me! For my benefit! To help me. And for the whole world. There is no person who I love more - though I know I need to do so much more to express that love. And there is no other person who I want to be like.
And, in case this isn't long enough...here's something that expresses a little bit how I feel about Him, and my hopes of what I become in life.
His Eyes
I look at the scars.
I look at the feet
That have carried me far.
I look at my face
With both beauties and flaws
Then I look at my eyes
But there I must pause.
So there I do look,
And hope that I see
A deep, shining light
That has often led me.
I see this great light
In leaders, friends, kids.
I look in my eyes
And hope it's not hid.
This wonderful light,
It's the light of Christ.
It's the light of the man
Who paid a great price.
One gloomy, dark night,
This wonderful man
Carried a great burden
That no other man can.
The very next morn
After the burden so great,
He died on a cross
To help our own fate.
I live my life so,
Maybe someday,
Words of gratitude, praise,
Words of love I can say.
I want to be worth
To tell Him these words.
So, in this long journey,
The light, I'll go towards.
So on that great day
When, face to face, we'll meet,
I'll fall on my knees,
With joy, Him I'll greet.
I'll look at His hands,
I'll look at the scars.
I'll look at the feet
That have helped me go far.
I'll look at His face
With just beauty, no flaws.
Then I'll look in His eyes,
And there, I will pause.
And I hope, will all hope
He will look back at me
And say, "Little sister,
I see me in thee."
I know I will weep,
And I hope He will say,
"Little sister, well done.
You've returned home today."
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Beth has been keeping a secret...would you like to know it?
Well, it's not exactly a secret...I mean I haven't gone around telling people it, and if people ask me straight up about it, sometimes I'll tell them and sometimes I'll beat around the bush. You see...this subject if very near and dear to my heart. It is the subject of missionary work. From about age 4, I was determined to go on a mission. It was my greatest goal in life. My primary teacher, Sis. Scott, said she was leaving to go on a mission. Being 4 years old and only seeing boys leave, I was thoroughly confused. I mean, only boys were allowed to go, right? She explained to me that girls could go too, at age 21, if they wanted to. From that moment, I knew I was going to go. I remember, even at age 8, someone asked me if I wanted to go on a mission (I don't remember why they asked me, but I remember this instance) and I responded with a resounding, "Yes!" They looked a little shocked. And probably didn't believe 8 year old me.
So, I went through the next 10 years of my life, intending to go on a mission - that is, if I didn't get married first. I wouldn't complain if that happened. But then, I hit college. And I feel so at home. I mean, yes, there's stress and problems, and, hey, life is hard. But, it was great! Flagstaff was (is) fantastic. I felt so comfortable. Psychology is my calling in life. Heavenly Father told me multiple times last year that psychology is definitely what I'm meant to be studying and ultimately what I'm supposed to do with my life. So...going on a mission didn't make sense. It didn't fit. Although I still knew it'd be awesome to go...I lost a great part of that desire to go. It kinda got pushed into the very corners of my mind.
Then, about February-ish, the sister missionaries that were in Flagstaff with the YSA were Sis. Wise and Sis. Vaughan. It was when they were here that I started getting involved with missionary work up here. I would go to lessons and stuff. And, after I would do things with them, I felt that desire stir inside of me. But then, a few days later - maybe even a couple hours later - I'd get sucked back into collegeland and psychology everything, and that desire got smothered and pushed back.
Months go by and then it's October. General Conference. I go up to Utah with my roommate, Kathleen. We didn't have tickets, but we stood in the stand-by lines with hopes of getting into the conference center. And we got there extremely early. While we were waiting in line, a sister missionary walks up to us - from Hong Kong, China, of all places - and starts talking to us. After talking with Kathleen about some stuff, she turns to me, and, in a not quite logical change of subject, she asks, "So, have you ever thought about serving a mission?" I was taken aback. I responded, "Well, yeah. Ever since I was really little, I've always wanted to go. But since coming to college, I've wondered if maybe serving a mission isn't right for me." And then the conversation moved on. But, before she walked away, she turned towards me and said, "Be sure you think about a mission today in conference." And...and hour or two later, sitting in the tabernacle, (Not the conference center. I know. Sad.) I hear President Monson announce the lowering of the age requirements to 19 for girls.
My mind was reeling. I don't think I've ever had so many thoughts at once; I don't think my brain has ever thought so quickly in my life. Within like 2 minutes, I had figured out what I might have to give up to go, my possible options, the things I would need to do, the money I would have to spend, pretty much everything. And then for the entire session, I was thinking, "What the crap?! I can go on a mission. Am I supposed to go on a mission? It doesn't make sense logically. Holy crap I can go on a mission!! I think I want to. Am I supposed to? My mom is going to freak. Oh my crap, oh my crap, oh my crap!! Am I supposed to go? What does Heavenly Father want me to do. I'M SO CONFUSED!!"
And that pretty much was what on my mind for a few days. I thought I got my answer on Monday, but then I started over-analyzing everything and I freaked. But, then Tuesday, I took the time to sit down, calm myself, and read the Father's blessing that was given to me at the beginning of the semester and my Patriarchal Blessing. And then...I picked up my phone and set up an appointment with the Bishop for that night and then Skyped with my mother. You guys...I'm going on a mission!!
I know there's a bajillion of people going. There are tons of people who have made this same exact statement. That's part of the reason why I've kinda been keeping this quiet. Because I didn't want it to seem like I was jumping on the bandwagon; I didn't want people to disregard what a special revelation this was to me; I didn't want my announcement to take away the sacredness and specialness of others' announcement. This process of trying to discover what the Lord wants me to do has been an incredible one. I grew so close to Heavenly Father, because I was striving so hard to align my will with His. And it's still a process. There's still a lot I need to figure out, there's still a lot I need to go to Him about. And, He keeps sending me reminders that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
This week, I had kinda been losing that...that fire. I got distracted once again. But then, Sis. Wise, called me and I talked with her for a little while about mission stuff. And, it couldn't have been more timely. Because I have that fire again - that excitement, that drive, that intense desire.
It's really hard to focus on school; I just want to focus on preparing to serve. And, I honestly have no clue when I'm going to be able to go; I kinda have like...no money. So, what I'm doing is not doing school next semester and working full time. In truth, that was a really hard choice to make, but once the spirit was like, "Beth, this is the best option for you," I dropped all plans I had concerning classes for next semester. I still plan on staying in Flagstaff. I feel like I need to stay here to do the growing that I need to do.
So yeah. That's my secret. I want to go so bad that it hurts. I don't want to wait. But, at the same time, I'm freaked about going. I'm willing to dedicate those 18 months to the Lord - I can't wait to show that devotion to Him! - but it's going to be so different and so hard. So, so, so hard. But, I'm going.
If you happen to talk to me about it, and I don't seem too enthusiastic to talk about it, don't get offended. It's just, this is very special stuff to me; sometimes I just don't want to talk about it.
But, you know what the best part of all this is? Preparing to be able to go here:
So, I went through the next 10 years of my life, intending to go on a mission - that is, if I didn't get married first. I wouldn't complain if that happened. But then, I hit college. And I feel so at home. I mean, yes, there's stress and problems, and, hey, life is hard. But, it was great! Flagstaff was (is) fantastic. I felt so comfortable. Psychology is my calling in life. Heavenly Father told me multiple times last year that psychology is definitely what I'm meant to be studying and ultimately what I'm supposed to do with my life. So...going on a mission didn't make sense. It didn't fit. Although I still knew it'd be awesome to go...I lost a great part of that desire to go. It kinda got pushed into the very corners of my mind.
Then, about February-ish, the sister missionaries that were in Flagstaff with the YSA were Sis. Wise and Sis. Vaughan. It was when they were here that I started getting involved with missionary work up here. I would go to lessons and stuff. And, after I would do things with them, I felt that desire stir inside of me. But then, a few days later - maybe even a couple hours later - I'd get sucked back into collegeland and psychology everything, and that desire got smothered and pushed back.
Months go by and then it's October. General Conference. I go up to Utah with my roommate, Kathleen. We didn't have tickets, but we stood in the stand-by lines with hopes of getting into the conference center. And we got there extremely early. While we were waiting in line, a sister missionary walks up to us - from Hong Kong, China, of all places - and starts talking to us. After talking with Kathleen about some stuff, she turns to me, and, in a not quite logical change of subject, she asks, "So, have you ever thought about serving a mission?" I was taken aback. I responded, "Well, yeah. Ever since I was really little, I've always wanted to go. But since coming to college, I've wondered if maybe serving a mission isn't right for me." And then the conversation moved on. But, before she walked away, she turned towards me and said, "Be sure you think about a mission today in conference." And...and hour or two later, sitting in the tabernacle, (Not the conference center. I know. Sad.) I hear President Monson announce the lowering of the age requirements to 19 for girls.
My mind was reeling. I don't think I've ever had so many thoughts at once; I don't think my brain has ever thought so quickly in my life. Within like 2 minutes, I had figured out what I might have to give up to go, my possible options, the things I would need to do, the money I would have to spend, pretty much everything. And then for the entire session, I was thinking, "What the crap?! I can go on a mission. Am I supposed to go on a mission? It doesn't make sense logically. Holy crap I can go on a mission!! I think I want to. Am I supposed to? My mom is going to freak. Oh my crap, oh my crap, oh my crap!! Am I supposed to go? What does Heavenly Father want me to do. I'M SO CONFUSED!!"
And that pretty much was what on my mind for a few days. I thought I got my answer on Monday, but then I started over-analyzing everything and I freaked. But, then Tuesday, I took the time to sit down, calm myself, and read the Father's blessing that was given to me at the beginning of the semester and my Patriarchal Blessing. And then...I picked up my phone and set up an appointment with the Bishop for that night and then Skyped with my mother. You guys...I'm going on a mission!!
I know there's a bajillion of people going. There are tons of people who have made this same exact statement. That's part of the reason why I've kinda been keeping this quiet. Because I didn't want it to seem like I was jumping on the bandwagon; I didn't want people to disregard what a special revelation this was to me; I didn't want my announcement to take away the sacredness and specialness of others' announcement. This process of trying to discover what the Lord wants me to do has been an incredible one. I grew so close to Heavenly Father, because I was striving so hard to align my will with His. And it's still a process. There's still a lot I need to figure out, there's still a lot I need to go to Him about. And, He keeps sending me reminders that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
This week, I had kinda been losing that...that fire. I got distracted once again. But then, Sis. Wise, called me and I talked with her for a little while about mission stuff. And, it couldn't have been more timely. Because I have that fire again - that excitement, that drive, that intense desire.
It's really hard to focus on school; I just want to focus on preparing to serve. And, I honestly have no clue when I'm going to be able to go; I kinda have like...no money. So, what I'm doing is not doing school next semester and working full time. In truth, that was a really hard choice to make, but once the spirit was like, "Beth, this is the best option for you," I dropped all plans I had concerning classes for next semester. I still plan on staying in Flagstaff. I feel like I need to stay here to do the growing that I need to do.
So yeah. That's my secret. I want to go so bad that it hurts. I don't want to wait. But, at the same time, I'm freaked about going. I'm willing to dedicate those 18 months to the Lord - I can't wait to show that devotion to Him! - but it's going to be so different and so hard. So, so, so hard. But, I'm going.
If you happen to talk to me about it, and I don't seem too enthusiastic to talk about it, don't get offended. It's just, this is very special stuff to me; sometimes I just don't want to talk about it.
But, you know what the best part of all this is? Preparing to be able to go here:
The temple is the place to be. And I. Can't. Wait. To. Go. No words. No words to express how incredibly excited I am to know that I will be able to participate in sacred ordinances that I thought I would have to wait...years to participate in. You guys. I'm going to be going to the temple!! With in a year! AAHHHHH!!
The church is true. I know it is. I'm willing to put everything on hold for 2 years so I can earn the money to go, and then go. And, there is one thing that I hold more dear than my knowledge that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true, and that is my knowledge of the Savior. One day, relatively soon, I will be able to devote every waking hour to preaching of Christ and bringing others closer to Him. That is the greatest thing ever, because He is the Light. The Way. The only to true and everlasting happiness.
So. That's it. I am preparing to serve a full time mission, to serve my Heavenly Father, bringing His children, my brothers and sisters into His fold. And I can't wait!!
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Randomness of Beth
Sometimes I feel like doing a blogpost. And sometimes I have nothing to do a blogpost about, so I just decide to spout randomness that's in my head.
Pizza. I. Love. Pizza. Seriously, I want to eat it all the time. And now, it's like this thing with the sister missionaries up here. When there's a transfer and new one comes, she already knows I have this great love for pizza. It's been passed on to sister missionary to sister missionary for the past 6 months. Kinda weird, actually.
I have this thing with names. If I know a super awesome person, I tend to start liking their name a lot (which, I think it pretty normal) but then if there's different spellings, in my mind, I start playing favorites with the names. Not with the actually people. Just their names. Like Sarah and Sara. For whatever reason, I love the name Sarah with the "h" but without it...it bothers me! I can't tell you why, but I just think all Sarah's should have an "h" at the end of their name. And, my dislike for the why the name is spelled has nothing to do with how I feel about the person. Which, if you are aware of my obsession with Sara Barielles, you would understand this. Because, obviously, I have no problem with her, despite the fact that she is missing an "h." Same thing with Hannah and Hanna. Except, for whatever reason, I like Hanna better, without the "h." If I name one of my daughters Hanna, it will not have an "h." Same with Ann and Anne. Ann without the "e" is better (though I guess I may think that because that's how my middle name is spelled). Random Beth fact.
Psychology is freaking awesome. I'm enjoying my Neuroscience class, even though it's online. My online criminology class? Makes me want to punch things. I thought criminology was going to be awesome. Now whenever I think about doing my criminology assignments I cry a little bit on the inside. But psychology. Psychology is fantastic. There are very few things I would give up, stop, or pause my education in psychology for. In fact...I can only think of two things.
Ever since Saturday morning, when President Monson dropped that bombshell that girls can go on missions at age 19, I've been wondering what the heck I'm supposed to do with my life. As I've striven to align my will with God's and to figure out His plan for me and what He needs me to do, I have felt myself grow closer to Him. My relationship with Him has grown so much stronger than it ever has before. The spirit has been more present in my life than it has for a very long time, and it feels good to be doing what He wants me to do.
Flagstaff. I love this place. So much. The weather. The scenery. The people - especially the people! The people I'm surrounded by are a constant reminder of Heavenly Father's love for me, because they help me and strengthen me so much. They uplift me and bring me closer to Heavenly Father. They make me smile and laugh, which is pretty much always needed in life. Plus it's like the best stress reliever in the world. They remind me of the things I need to be doing. They help to gently - and sometimes not so gently. I need harshness and bluntness sometimes - mold me into the person I am supposed to become.
The Gosepl of Jesus Christ. His restored church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Truthfully...I love nothing more on this Earth than His Gospel and His church. Not pizza, not the color purple, not psychology, not Sara Barielles, not Flagstaff, not even my fantastic friends and family. I would give everything, everything up for this Gospel, if it was asked of me. It's something that I normally would hesitate to say, except, a little over a week ago, I contemplated the possibility of having to leave everything behind in order to serve the Lord and spead His message of love to my brothers and sisters around the world. And, I would do it. Whether or not I actually go, I am willing. I would do it, because I love Jesus Christ. I love Him, so very much. There are no words that can describe and express the love I have for Him. I know this Gospel is true. I know it, I feel it in my very...my very being, my very soul. Every particle of my body, my heart, my mind, my spirit, it yells out, that this church is true! Sometimes I get distracted. Sometimes I let other things become momentarily more important, like my friends and my social life, my education, my music. But, right now, when I'm so close to the spirit, I cannot deny it, and I cannot put anything else first.
Well...this turned out to be completely different than I had planned. But, really. I just want to talk about the Gospel all the time. I want to just tell people about Jesus Christ and all He has done for me and how much I love Him, and how much He loves them. I've turned into this big Gospel nerd. I mean, I already was one, but that's because I'm simply a nerd, but now that's like all I want to talk about and I want to relate everything to the Gospel. Because it's awesome.
So, yeah. Life is awesome. As is the Gospel. I love my friends and my family. They are a wonderful support to me, and I appreciate all the love and support I can feel them giving me. The end.
Pizza. I. Love. Pizza. Seriously, I want to eat it all the time. And now, it's like this thing with the sister missionaries up here. When there's a transfer and new one comes, she already knows I have this great love for pizza. It's been passed on to sister missionary to sister missionary for the past 6 months. Kinda weird, actually.
I have this thing with names. If I know a super awesome person, I tend to start liking their name a lot (which, I think it pretty normal) but then if there's different spellings, in my mind, I start playing favorites with the names. Not with the actually people. Just their names. Like Sarah and Sara. For whatever reason, I love the name Sarah with the "h" but without it...it bothers me! I can't tell you why, but I just think all Sarah's should have an "h" at the end of their name. And, my dislike for the why the name is spelled has nothing to do with how I feel about the person. Which, if you are aware of my obsession with Sara Barielles, you would understand this. Because, obviously, I have no problem with her, despite the fact that she is missing an "h." Same thing with Hannah and Hanna. Except, for whatever reason, I like Hanna better, without the "h." If I name one of my daughters Hanna, it will not have an "h." Same with Ann and Anne. Ann without the "e" is better (though I guess I may think that because that's how my middle name is spelled). Random Beth fact.
Psychology is freaking awesome. I'm enjoying my Neuroscience class, even though it's online. My online criminology class? Makes me want to punch things. I thought criminology was going to be awesome. Now whenever I think about doing my criminology assignments I cry a little bit on the inside. But psychology. Psychology is fantastic. There are very few things I would give up, stop, or pause my education in psychology for. In fact...I can only think of two things.
Ever since Saturday morning, when President Monson dropped that bombshell that girls can go on missions at age 19, I've been wondering what the heck I'm supposed to do with my life. As I've striven to align my will with God's and to figure out His plan for me and what He needs me to do, I have felt myself grow closer to Him. My relationship with Him has grown so much stronger than it ever has before. The spirit has been more present in my life than it has for a very long time, and it feels good to be doing what He wants me to do.
Flagstaff. I love this place. So much. The weather. The scenery. The people - especially the people! The people I'm surrounded by are a constant reminder of Heavenly Father's love for me, because they help me and strengthen me so much. They uplift me and bring me closer to Heavenly Father. They make me smile and laugh, which is pretty much always needed in life. Plus it's like the best stress reliever in the world. They remind me of the things I need to be doing. They help to gently - and sometimes not so gently. I need harshness and bluntness sometimes - mold me into the person I am supposed to become.
The Gosepl of Jesus Christ. His restored church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Truthfully...I love nothing more on this Earth than His Gospel and His church. Not pizza, not the color purple, not psychology, not Sara Barielles, not Flagstaff, not even my fantastic friends and family. I would give everything, everything up for this Gospel, if it was asked of me. It's something that I normally would hesitate to say, except, a little over a week ago, I contemplated the possibility of having to leave everything behind in order to serve the Lord and spead His message of love to my brothers and sisters around the world. And, I would do it. Whether or not I actually go, I am willing. I would do it, because I love Jesus Christ. I love Him, so very much. There are no words that can describe and express the love I have for Him. I know this Gospel is true. I know it, I feel it in my very...my very being, my very soul. Every particle of my body, my heart, my mind, my spirit, it yells out, that this church is true! Sometimes I get distracted. Sometimes I let other things become momentarily more important, like my friends and my social life, my education, my music. But, right now, when I'm so close to the spirit, I cannot deny it, and I cannot put anything else first.
Well...this turned out to be completely different than I had planned. But, really. I just want to talk about the Gospel all the time. I want to just tell people about Jesus Christ and all He has done for me and how much I love Him, and how much He loves them. I've turned into this big Gospel nerd. I mean, I already was one, but that's because I'm simply a nerd, but now that's like all I want to talk about and I want to relate everything to the Gospel. Because it's awesome.
So, yeah. Life is awesome. As is the Gospel. I love my friends and my family. They are a wonderful support to me, and I appreciate all the love and support I can feel them giving me. The end.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The big freak-out of October 2012
The first session of General Conference this weekend threw everyone for a loop. Why? The mission age requirement has been dropped. For the young men: age 18, as long as they are graduated from high school/the equivilent. AND for the young women: 19. 19 years of age. Dropped down two years. Every single girl in the church, particularly the 18, 19, and 20 year olds reconsidered their life plans, even if it was just for a moment. And then practically every 19 year old said enthusiastically, "I'm going on a mission RIGHT NOW!!!"
This has caused me to do a lot of thinking. And I want to share some of my feelings pertaining to this. This lowering of the age limit is fantastic. I know it is approved by God. I'm excited for those young men who are now able to go on a mission right after high school, instead of waiting a year - if that is what they desire. I'm excited for the young women who are able to go serve the Lord and teach what they love a whole 2 years before they would have been able to, just 3 short days ago.
Now, this doesn't mean that every single boy at 18 years of age needs to - or should - go on a mission. They can wait until age 19, or even later! And, this doesn't mean that every girl needs to - or should - go at 19. They can go at 20, 21, after they finish college, at 25, or they don't even have to go! It's not a duty of a young woman to go! We have other responsibilities that may take priority, depending on each person's situation. But, it is important that the young men, at age 18, and the young women, at age 19, should prayerfully consider if going on a mission at that time is right for them. Why? Because the opportunity is there for them, and although it may not be our responsiblity at that time to go, it is still our responsibility to ask. And, it is our responsibility to be willing to do whatever the Lord asks of us. Are you willing to give up everything if He asks you to go? Scholarships, opportunities, jobs, forking out that kind of money. Are you willing?
Why the lowering of the ages? Well...signs of the times! The quickening of the Lord's work! He needs more missionaries. He needs more people devoting their time to sharing the Gospel. It's a huge work - like a stone moving forth out of the mountains. It can't be stopped! And we have to keep up with it! And, I think that we, as a church, are going to need the experience of many more missionaries in families and in wards, to strengthen testimonies. The times ahead are going to be difficult ones, but we have the Light and the Truth.
This is a fantastic opportunity, and I'm excited to see what happens in the world. Great and marvelous things are about to happen. I can feel it in my very soul! And, if you haven't watched the press conference about this, I would recommend you look it up. I would post it on here, but I'm too lazy for that...
This has caused me to do a lot of thinking. And I want to share some of my feelings pertaining to this. This lowering of the age limit is fantastic. I know it is approved by God. I'm excited for those young men who are now able to go on a mission right after high school, instead of waiting a year - if that is what they desire. I'm excited for the young women who are able to go serve the Lord and teach what they love a whole 2 years before they would have been able to, just 3 short days ago.
Now, this doesn't mean that every single boy at 18 years of age needs to - or should - go on a mission. They can wait until age 19, or even later! And, this doesn't mean that every girl needs to - or should - go at 19. They can go at 20, 21, after they finish college, at 25, or they don't even have to go! It's not a duty of a young woman to go! We have other responsibilities that may take priority, depending on each person's situation. But, it is important that the young men, at age 18, and the young women, at age 19, should prayerfully consider if going on a mission at that time is right for them. Why? Because the opportunity is there for them, and although it may not be our responsiblity at that time to go, it is still our responsibility to ask. And, it is our responsibility to be willing to do whatever the Lord asks of us. Are you willing to give up everything if He asks you to go? Scholarships, opportunities, jobs, forking out that kind of money. Are you willing?
Why the lowering of the ages? Well...signs of the times! The quickening of the Lord's work! He needs more missionaries. He needs more people devoting their time to sharing the Gospel. It's a huge work - like a stone moving forth out of the mountains. It can't be stopped! And we have to keep up with it! And, I think that we, as a church, are going to need the experience of many more missionaries in families and in wards, to strengthen testimonies. The times ahead are going to be difficult ones, but we have the Light and the Truth.
This is a fantastic opportunity, and I'm excited to see what happens in the world. Great and marvelous things are about to happen. I can feel it in my very soul! And, if you haven't watched the press conference about this, I would recommend you look it up. I would post it on here, but I'm too lazy for that...
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The trouble with freshman
I've mentioned before how there's a bajillion of freshmen here. You know how freshmen are. Immature. Rude. Spacy. Flaky. Sometimes scared out of their mind of the upperclassmen. Whiny because they miss Mommy and Daddy and home-cooked meals (although a lot of them still have Mommy and Daddy paying for everything). This class of freshmen is the biggest NAU has ever had. Seems like lots of fun, right?
Actually...it IS a lot of fun. The freshmen that I have come into contact with have been rather spectacular. In fact, most of the new friends I've made have been little freshmen girls. And by little...I don't mean little. Because I'm pretty sure Shirley has like a good 8 inches on me. And some of them are only like 3 months younger than me. These past few weeks, I've been looking at the freshmen that have been around me, mostly at church, (I may or may not ignore other freshmen because they bother me.) and I've been astounded.
At first I was like, "Dude. Why is it that I'm being drawn to become friends with them? There's lots of other new people here. And lots of people who were here last year that I still don't know." I've always gotten along well with people older than me and people in the grade just below me. I figured the reason why I get along with people older than me has to do with the fact that I've dealt with people older than me all my life. That happens when you have 8 older siblings, I guess. But, for whatever reason, it took me forever to figure out why I got along really well with the people in the grade just below me. Until I remembered that, if I had been born 3 months later, I would be in the same grade as them. Duh. I guess I just get so used to people being so surprised when I tell them that I'm 19 (or when I was 18) because they thought I was at least 21. Or when an adorable old lady last year thought me and Amy were twins and when we told her that there was a three year difference and one was a freshman and the other was a senior, she thought I was the older one. (Win!) Or when people tell my I'm more mature than most people my age. I have to remind myself that I'm on the young end of my grade. I'm a baby sophomore. I was a baby freshman.
And then, I come to realize that a lot of the freshmen that I'm becoming friends with are quite incredible. I mean, they're still obviously freshmen. Most of them still have that newbie air around them. A little bit unsure, not quite confident in what they're doing, a little bit shell-shocked, and they tend to stay in groups. It's like they're scared of older college students or something. But then I see their spiritual strength, I come to know some of the things they've had to do or deal with in their life, or see how they're handling college life and being away from home and I'm humbled. Because my life has been relatively easy. Most of my struggles have been emotional, and I've been able to get over those pretty quickly. And my first week up here was...well, I was a train wreck by the end of it. Not very many people knew, though, because I didn't know anyone at that time. So they saw me as the calm and collected freshmen who had been living in Flagstaff since June. These freshmen are so much cooler than I was as a freshmen. It's definitely humbling.
It makes me think of the whole rising generation thing. There are definitely many incredible souls here on this earth at this time, because we are the rising generation. I'm grateful for these freshmen I'm getting to know. I'm grateful they chose to come up to Flagstaff and that our paths have crossed - Heavenly Father's foresight is incredible and I've come to recognize the importance of making sure that those people He places in my life become people I love, trust, and call my friends. Because that's why He places them in my life. So, yeah. I'm drowning in freshmen. But, they're pretty cool, so I guess it's not too bad.
Actually...it IS a lot of fun. The freshmen that I have come into contact with have been rather spectacular. In fact, most of the new friends I've made have been little freshmen girls. And by little...I don't mean little. Because I'm pretty sure Shirley has like a good 8 inches on me. And some of them are only like 3 months younger than me. These past few weeks, I've been looking at the freshmen that have been around me, mostly at church, (I may or may not ignore other freshmen because they bother me.) and I've been astounded.
At first I was like, "Dude. Why is it that I'm being drawn to become friends with them? There's lots of other new people here. And lots of people who were here last year that I still don't know." I've always gotten along well with people older than me and people in the grade just below me. I figured the reason why I get along with people older than me has to do with the fact that I've dealt with people older than me all my life. That happens when you have 8 older siblings, I guess. But, for whatever reason, it took me forever to figure out why I got along really well with the people in the grade just below me. Until I remembered that, if I had been born 3 months later, I would be in the same grade as them. Duh. I guess I just get so used to people being so surprised when I tell them that I'm 19 (or when I was 18) because they thought I was at least 21. Or when an adorable old lady last year thought me and Amy were twins and when we told her that there was a three year difference and one was a freshman and the other was a senior, she thought I was the older one. (Win!) Or when people tell my I'm more mature than most people my age. I have to remind myself that I'm on the young end of my grade. I'm a baby sophomore. I was a baby freshman.
And then, I come to realize that a lot of the freshmen that I'm becoming friends with are quite incredible. I mean, they're still obviously freshmen. Most of them still have that newbie air around them. A little bit unsure, not quite confident in what they're doing, a little bit shell-shocked, and they tend to stay in groups. It's like they're scared of older college students or something. But then I see their spiritual strength, I come to know some of the things they've had to do or deal with in their life, or see how they're handling college life and being away from home and I'm humbled. Because my life has been relatively easy. Most of my struggles have been emotional, and I've been able to get over those pretty quickly. And my first week up here was...well, I was a train wreck by the end of it. Not very many people knew, though, because I didn't know anyone at that time. So they saw me as the calm and collected freshmen who had been living in Flagstaff since June. These freshmen are so much cooler than I was as a freshmen. It's definitely humbling.
It makes me think of the whole rising generation thing. There are definitely many incredible souls here on this earth at this time, because we are the rising generation. I'm grateful for these freshmen I'm getting to know. I'm grateful they chose to come up to Flagstaff and that our paths have crossed - Heavenly Father's foresight is incredible and I've come to recognize the importance of making sure that those people He places in my life become people I love, trust, and call my friends. Because that's why He places them in my life. So, yeah. I'm drowning in freshmen. But, they're pretty cool, so I guess it's not too bad.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Love
Today at church I was filled with a whole lot of...feelingness. I tried writing it down in words at sacrament meeting, but what I was feeling went a whole lot deeper than just mere words. Words can be powerful. Words can influence others. Words can invite the spirit or drive it away. But words are insufficient for deep, deep feelings. And what I was feeling today was love.
Love is an incredible thing. Now, I'm not talking being in love. Though I'm sure that is amazing. I'm just talking about love in general. Love is...love is everything. Everything is love - or, everything that is important and that has power. God is love. Jesus Christ is love. The Gospel is love. The Priesthood is love. I think that happiness comes from love -whether it's love for those around you or love for whatever it is you're doing. Love is SO important. And, earlier this week, I came to the conclusion that I need to do a whole lot more loving. I need to be more loving - be kinder, do more service for those around me, express the love that I have for others. Everything that I do in life should be motivated by love - whether it's love for my God, love for those around me, or even love for myself. But, my life should be about love. And, it's funny. Since I've had that inspiration and made that decision, life has just thrown me a bunch of little things that made me frustrated and annoyed with people. It was like immediate opposition in my resolve to love more - which, in reality, reinforces to me that this is exactly what I need to be doing. Not that it makes it any easier.
So, today in church, in remembering all this about love and its importance, all the feelingness that I was experiencing was simply...love. Intense love. A love that I simply cannot put into words. I sing in the ward choir, and today we sang "How Great Thou Art." I cried like a little baby - which, as a side note, embarrassed me to no end. I hate crying when no one else is. But, I couldn't not cry, because of the overwhelming feeling of love that I had. It was as the song said, "Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, how great Thou art! How great Thou art!" My soul truly was singing, my entire being was exclaiming those words! How great Thou art! Think about it. Think about what Christ has done for you.
"And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent him to die, I scarce can take it in.
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin
When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow in humble adoration,
And there proclaim: My God, how great Thou art!"
Gladly bearing. Jesus bore our burdens gladly because of His love for us. If you do not have a testimony of Christ, if you don't believe in Him and can't understand why I feel the way I feel, why I share whenever I can my testimony and love for Christ and this Gospel, then at least just do this: Picture a man, the kindest, gentlest, most giving man you know. This man loves you. A lot. Much like your brother or father or someone like that. This man wipes away every tear you shed. This man, when you are struggling will come to you and help you in any way possible. He comforts you when you are in the deepest despair. When you feel you can't go on anymore, he lifts you up from the ground, carries you, wraps his arms around you. He puts a smile on your face when you feel like nothing could ever do so. He is always, always there for you, like your best friend, but MORE. THAT is Jesus Christ. Except infinitely more. He suffered every little thing that we have gone through and will go through. He took our burdens upon Himself. He cried our tears. He felt our pains. He felt our stress, our sadness, our frustrations, our despair. And, I love Him for it. I love Him more than I could ever express.
But, that's the thing. I need to express that love. How does one do that? By loving others, I think. If I truly love Him, I will love those around me. I will serve them, thereby serving Him. One day, hopefully some day soon, Christ will come. I cannot wait for that day. Because, I will bow, I will kneel, and I will tell Him everything that He means to me. And I hope that He will be able to tell me that the way I lived my life reflected the love I have for Him.
This man. I love Him. I know Him. He is my Savior. My brother. My best friend. So much love. So much feeling for Him that I literally cannot express.
Love is an incredible thing. Now, I'm not talking being in love. Though I'm sure that is amazing. I'm just talking about love in general. Love is...love is everything. Everything is love - or, everything that is important and that has power. God is love. Jesus Christ is love. The Gospel is love. The Priesthood is love. I think that happiness comes from love -whether it's love for those around you or love for whatever it is you're doing. Love is SO important. And, earlier this week, I came to the conclusion that I need to do a whole lot more loving. I need to be more loving - be kinder, do more service for those around me, express the love that I have for others. Everything that I do in life should be motivated by love - whether it's love for my God, love for those around me, or even love for myself. But, my life should be about love. And, it's funny. Since I've had that inspiration and made that decision, life has just thrown me a bunch of little things that made me frustrated and annoyed with people. It was like immediate opposition in my resolve to love more - which, in reality, reinforces to me that this is exactly what I need to be doing. Not that it makes it any easier.
So, today in church, in remembering all this about love and its importance, all the feelingness that I was experiencing was simply...love. Intense love. A love that I simply cannot put into words. I sing in the ward choir, and today we sang "How Great Thou Art." I cried like a little baby - which, as a side note, embarrassed me to no end. I hate crying when no one else is. But, I couldn't not cry, because of the overwhelming feeling of love that I had. It was as the song said, "Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, how great Thou art! How great Thou art!" My soul truly was singing, my entire being was exclaiming those words! How great Thou art! Think about it. Think about what Christ has done for you.
"And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent him to die, I scarce can take it in.
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin
When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow in humble adoration,
And there proclaim: My God, how great Thou art!"
Gladly bearing. Jesus bore our burdens gladly because of His love for us. If you do not have a testimony of Christ, if you don't believe in Him and can't understand why I feel the way I feel, why I share whenever I can my testimony and love for Christ and this Gospel, then at least just do this: Picture a man, the kindest, gentlest, most giving man you know. This man loves you. A lot. Much like your brother or father or someone like that. This man wipes away every tear you shed. This man, when you are struggling will come to you and help you in any way possible. He comforts you when you are in the deepest despair. When you feel you can't go on anymore, he lifts you up from the ground, carries you, wraps his arms around you. He puts a smile on your face when you feel like nothing could ever do so. He is always, always there for you, like your best friend, but MORE. THAT is Jesus Christ. Except infinitely more. He suffered every little thing that we have gone through and will go through. He took our burdens upon Himself. He cried our tears. He felt our pains. He felt our stress, our sadness, our frustrations, our despair. And, I love Him for it. I love Him more than I could ever express.
But, that's the thing. I need to express that love. How does one do that? By loving others, I think. If I truly love Him, I will love those around me. I will serve them, thereby serving Him. One day, hopefully some day soon, Christ will come. I cannot wait for that day. Because, I will bow, I will kneel, and I will tell Him everything that He means to me. And I hope that He will be able to tell me that the way I lived my life reflected the love I have for Him.
This man. I love Him. I know Him. He is my Savior. My brother. My best friend. So much love. So much feeling for Him that I literally cannot express.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
How I Feel
This morning while doing my scripture study, I had a very sweet experience. And, I don't think mere words would be able to explain just what happened. But, to put it simply, I was filled with an intense love. Love for Christ. And, I wanted to shout it to the world. Shout that Christ is real, that Jesus is our Savior, and He loves us! I wanted to shout my love for and my testimony of him. But, of course, my timid manner of speaking in situations I'm not completely comfortable in is a terrible weakness of mine, and I feel I can't do that. (I mean, I know I can. It just terrifies me, and I can't think of a situation in which I might be able to do it for reals.) So, I've decided to do it in the form that I AM completely comfortable with: writing. Writing is the only way - save music - that I feel I can express myself in the way I want to. I feel it's the only way I can get my feelings out, just right - usually. Sometimes music is the only way I can do that.
Anyways. I would feel incredibly ungrateful if I did not do this. I know Christ is my Savior and my Redeemer. My Elder brother and my Best Friend. I can rely on Him, no matter what. No matter where life takes me. He wants to help us, He wants us to come to Him, He wants to ease our burdens and make our life easier. How many people do you know who want that constantly? And, if you are lucky enough to come across someone like that in this life, can't you see Christ in their eyes?
I've recently decided I needed to make some changes in my life - and they're hard changes to make. But, now, there's nothing else I want to do more than make those changes - and make them permanent. Why? Well, so I can become like Him. So people will be able to look at me, and see Him, and be drawn to Him. So that my life will not be about my own life, but about His. I want, above all other things, to be able to hug Him someday and look up into His eyes, and see nothing but joy because I have lived the way I needed to and because I have achieved the ultimate achievement of eternal life. And, I want Him to know, because of the way I have led my life, that I love Him. That I love Him and Heavenly Father above all things.
I have a testimony of Christ. I hope my words have touched you. If you are uncertain of Christ, of His love for you, find out for yourself! I promise you, you will never be the same. Christ loves you. He loves me. He is the greatest man to have ever walked the Earth, and I'm SO grateful I am able to know Him.
Anyways. I would feel incredibly ungrateful if I did not do this. I know Christ is my Savior and my Redeemer. My Elder brother and my Best Friend. I can rely on Him, no matter what. No matter where life takes me. He wants to help us, He wants us to come to Him, He wants to ease our burdens and make our life easier. How many people do you know who want that constantly? And, if you are lucky enough to come across someone like that in this life, can't you see Christ in their eyes?
I've recently decided I needed to make some changes in my life - and they're hard changes to make. But, now, there's nothing else I want to do more than make those changes - and make them permanent. Why? Well, so I can become like Him. So people will be able to look at me, and see Him, and be drawn to Him. So that my life will not be about my own life, but about His. I want, above all other things, to be able to hug Him someday and look up into His eyes, and see nothing but joy because I have lived the way I needed to and because I have achieved the ultimate achievement of eternal life. And, I want Him to know, because of the way I have led my life, that I love Him. That I love Him and Heavenly Father above all things.
I have a testimony of Christ. I hope my words have touched you. If you are uncertain of Christ, of His love for you, find out for yourself! I promise you, you will never be the same. Christ loves you. He loves me. He is the greatest man to have ever walked the Earth, and I'm SO grateful I am able to know Him.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
The first week
So, this week was the first week of school for NAU. It was a...very hard week. When I got home from work everyday (I'm done with all my classes by like 1, and then I go to work until we close) I just wanted to sit on the couch and not talk to anyone, not see anyone, and not do anything whatsoever. But...I did. Do you know how hard that is? I admire my mother SO much! She'd come home from work, super tired, from working all day, and then she'd go finish the laundry I neglected to do, go cook dinner, and wash dishes. I can barely motivate myself to write in my journal by the end of the day, and it's not like that takes tons of energy.
Anyways. It was hard. I was tired. I was busy. Running around all over the place. Having to pretend to be all happy and perky when I felt like poop. There were moments of happiness, obviously. Institute. Choir. Making new friends. Skyping Christine.
Wednesday night, I finally got a hold of a planner and wrote my whole life down in it, and made a goal to write to-do lists every day - at least, every school day - to keep my life organized and on track. It made a HUGE difference. Thursday was a fantastic day! The best day I've had for awhile.
I think I know why this week was so hard. I've striven to make some changes recently. And they're hard changes to make. Anyone who truly knows me well know that I generally don't put forth more effort than I need to. I've realized...that's not the way to live life. I need to be trying my best in all that I do. But...for a somewhat lazy person, that's a hard change to make. So that made this week SO difficult, because I was trying to work hard and get things done, but then I'd be so tired, have so much to do, and things would just happen to get in the way of me being productive. It was SO frustrating!
Also. Freshman are taking over the school. I feel like I'm drowning in freshman. It's not exactly a bad thing. Most of the ones I've come in contact with are pretty cool. And the other ones I've only come in contact with in the Card office, so I've only had to deal with them for a couple of minutes. I like to give some of them a hard time, though. I feel like it's my prerogative as someone who was a freshman last year, especially sense practically everyone who didn't know me before didn't know I was a freshman.
There's been no racquetball in my life, because I'm poor and haven't been able to pay my fees for the rec center. It's a sad truth, but after I get the paycheck for working Death Week (a whole other story) I'll be able to pay all my fees and have enough to buy me pizza for a month. (Don't worry, Mom. I won't go buy pizza for a month. I'd get fat.)
So, that's my life the past week. At least the very brief, and random version. The end.
Please enjoy this picture of me being awesome and shooting a gun. (Don't ask questions. I'm feeling random.)
Anyways. It was hard. I was tired. I was busy. Running around all over the place. Having to pretend to be all happy and perky when I felt like poop. There were moments of happiness, obviously. Institute. Choir. Making new friends. Skyping Christine.
Wednesday night, I finally got a hold of a planner and wrote my whole life down in it, and made a goal to write to-do lists every day - at least, every school day - to keep my life organized and on track. It made a HUGE difference. Thursday was a fantastic day! The best day I've had for awhile.
I think I know why this week was so hard. I've striven to make some changes recently. And they're hard changes to make. Anyone who truly knows me well know that I generally don't put forth more effort than I need to. I've realized...that's not the way to live life. I need to be trying my best in all that I do. But...for a somewhat lazy person, that's a hard change to make. So that made this week SO difficult, because I was trying to work hard and get things done, but then I'd be so tired, have so much to do, and things would just happen to get in the way of me being productive. It was SO frustrating!
Also. Freshman are taking over the school. I feel like I'm drowning in freshman. It's not exactly a bad thing. Most of the ones I've come in contact with are pretty cool. And the other ones I've only come in contact with in the Card office, so I've only had to deal with them for a couple of minutes. I like to give some of them a hard time, though. I feel like it's my prerogative as someone who was a freshman last year, especially sense practically everyone who didn't know me before didn't know I was a freshman.
There's been no racquetball in my life, because I'm poor and haven't been able to pay my fees for the rec center. It's a sad truth, but after I get the paycheck for working Death Week (a whole other story) I'll be able to pay all my fees and have enough to buy me pizza for a month. (Don't worry, Mom. I won't go buy pizza for a month. I'd get fat.)
So, that's my life the past week. At least the very brief, and random version. The end.
Please enjoy this picture of me being awesome and shooting a gun. (Don't ask questions. I'm feeling random.)
Sunday, August 12, 2012
2012 Olympics
For the first few days of the Olympics I was in Flagstaff. With work and no TV. Not able to watch the Olympics. It was causing me great distress. I mean, the Olympics only happen once every two years. And the summer Olympics happen only once every fours years. That means I have very little opportunity to watch volleyball matches played by Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh - and getting to see them win their third gold medal, finishing up their third Olympics undefeated! You know. Those great athletes and great events like that! But, luckily, I came down to Mesa for the majority of the Olympic Games, so I've been able to get my fill.
I've loved watching the Olympics. My determination to watch as many events as possible made me a little bit lazy. But, what impressed me this time around - maybe it's the fact that I actually had time to watch the events, and the fact that I'm older and slightly more mature than I was in the past - wasn't necessarily the athlete's skill and the number of medals won. It was the love they had. Love for their country, their teammates, and even those they competed against. To see people from other countries go straight to the gold medal winner and give them a great big hug, or give compliments, was fantastic. To see an athlete win gold, and then immediately run to their coach, because of their gratitude for the help and support they've given. To see medal winners, when interviewed, say, "I'm just so grateful for this opportunity." "I've been so very blessed." To see them attribute their success not only on their own hard work, but their coach, their family and friends, even God. You see, the Olympics isn't just about winning.
I mean, yeah. Of course I root on USA and hope with all hope that they're going to win. I cheered on these athletes:
Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings. Just ask my family how invested I got into their matches. So happy they won their third gold in their third Olympics, and left undefeated.
I've loved watching the Olympics. My determination to watch as many events as possible made me a little bit lazy. But, what impressed me this time around - maybe it's the fact that I actually had time to watch the events, and the fact that I'm older and slightly more mature than I was in the past - wasn't necessarily the athlete's skill and the number of medals won. It was the love they had. Love for their country, their teammates, and even those they competed against. To see people from other countries go straight to the gold medal winner and give them a great big hug, or give compliments, was fantastic. To see an athlete win gold, and then immediately run to their coach, because of their gratitude for the help and support they've given. To see medal winners, when interviewed, say, "I'm just so grateful for this opportunity." "I've been so very blessed." To see them attribute their success not only on their own hard work, but their coach, their family and friends, even God. You see, the Olympics isn't just about winning.
I mean, yeah. Of course I root on USA and hope with all hope that they're going to win. I cheered on these athletes:
Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings. Just ask my family how invested I got into their matches. So happy they won their third gold in their third Olympics, and left undefeated.
Missy Franklin. The ridiculously talented 17 year old swimmer. She's a freakin' senior in high school and has 5 medals, four of which are gold, and has broken the world record for 200 meter backstroke. But, what's great about her isn't just her incredible talent. It's her perpetual smile, her positive attitude, and her sweet love for her teammates AND her opponents.
Michael Phelps. I mean, obviously. The guy is a beast. He's part fish. He has 22 Olympic medals. 18 being gold. I half expect him to show up in Rio in four years and win like 6 more medals, just so it's impossible for anyone to ever beat his record.
Aly Raisman. I felt like she got gypped out of a medal for the all-around. But then, she got the medals she deserved. What I admire about her was her determination. And every time I heard people talking about her, they went on about her reliability, her steadiness. And she truly cared about her teammates, and also her opponents.
The Fab 5. I didn't actually see this event. But I heard about it. And, once again, the thing that amazes me about these girls is the support they have for one another. It's fantastic that they were able to win the gold! Doing great things for themselves and for the United States. But also staying true to themselves and their teammates.
But, it wasn't just the USA I was proud of and rooting for. I was rooting for the greatness that all athletes were showing, and not just in the medals they were winning.
Jessica Ennis. Seriously. This woman. She astounds me. She won gold for Great Britain in the Heptathlon for track. The only one I saw her compete in was the 800 meter. It was the last event for the heptathlon, so she - and the other athletes - had done 6 other events that day. They were exhausted. She was in the running for the gold. In fact, the person who was in place for silver at that point would have to beat her by 12 seconds in the 800 in order to beat her out for gold. She was pretty much assured a medal. One the race started, she quickly took the lead, and very easily kept it. the one in the running for silver was in the back of the group. Ennis was practically given a gold medal before the race was finished. But then. The last curve and last straight of the race, she started booking it. She sprinted like her life depended on it. She was exhausted, mind you. Remember, she had done 6 other events. But she pushed herself. To be the very best she could be. The crowd roared as she pulled ahead of the group and won the race with a ridiculous lead. She ran that race, not for herself, not for winning the gold, but for her country, for the people of Great Britain. THAT'S what the Olympics is about, my friends. She ran her best to the very end. She persevered, endured to the end, and did her utmost and very best. She had the gold in the bag halfway through the race, yet she pushed herself, because she was running for her country. I don't care that she's from Great Britain. I was cheering her on. She astounded me. I'm not going to lie. I would love to meet her. To walk up to her, shake her hand, and say, "Thank you for reminding me what the Olympics is about. You were fantastic."
I actually have no clue about this woman. But, she was form Saudi Arabia. This Olympics was the first time women were allowed to compete from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and I think a few other countries. That is just...amazing. Did you know that every participating country had women competing this Olympics? That's the first time that has happened. That is such a wonderful breakthrough! This is also what the Olympics is about.
Oscar Pistorius. The first double amputee to compete in the Olympics. I don't think he actually won any medals. But it is amazing that he was able to compete. His courage and determination to make it to the Olympics. This is also what the Olympics is about.
Kirani James. He won gold in the men's 400 meter. He won the first gold medal for his country, Grenado. How fantastic is that? At 19 years old, he made history for his country. They did a little segment on him. Even at just 19 years old, he's become something like an ambassador for his country. He's bringing his country money, he's helping the people there. He's making a difference for his small country, and he's doing it with such grace and love. After he won the 400, he traded his name bib thingy with Oscar Pistorius who ran it with him, but got last place. What a wonderful gesture! Oscar may have gotten last place, yet Kirani showed that it didn't matter, because Oscar left his mark and was truly great. This is also what the Olympics is all about.
I know this is incredibly long. If you have read all the way through, way to be a trooper! You deserve a cookie. But don't expect one from me...I love the Olympics. They have taught me a lot this time around. The greatness that is shown by mankind at these games is...I just don't have words for it. Often times, we look at the world and see the doom and gloom, the evil and the destruction, and I think we often see men as horrible, evil , and think that it seems hopeless for us. But then I look at the athletes of these games. Yeah, you have the ones that cheat, who are rude, and do not have the spirit of the Games. But you also have the Missy Franklins, the Jessica Ennis's, and the Kirani James's of the world. There is goodness. There is greatness. There is love. Even while competing, these people and many others have proved this to be true. I'm proud of the Olympic athletes of 2012.
I hope you enjoyed the Olympics as much as me! I can't wait for the winter games in two years. Hopefully they will be just as great.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
One Year
Well folks, it's June 13th. Do you know what that means for me? It means I have lived in Flagstaff for one year. A year ago today, I left Mesa with all my stuff, and moved into my apartment in the Meadows. It's been an interesting year. A lot of learning. A lot of growing up. A lot of...becoming. Becoming more Beth-ish. Discovering more about myself and who I am - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have discovered some amazing things about myself. But I also have come to realize many of my faults and weaknesses, and it's a constant battle against them.
In this past year I've:
*Held hands with a boy for the first time (don't judge...I'm a slow mover and pretty much stayed away from relationships in high school.)
*Learned what it means to do something hard, something that hurts you a bit, because you care about the other person more than yourself.
*Payed all my bills pretty much without assistance from my parents.
*Survived living with 4 roommates, and have in fact enjoyed it greatly.
*Taken a class that I really didn't care about and decided that it wasn't worth killing myself over, thus earning myself my second B in the history of my educational career.
*Had me testimony strengthen on tithing and fast offerings.
*Learned how important it is to fully rely on the Lord.
*Learned why it is I am here in Flagstaff.
*Made friends with people who I can now never imagine my life without. Friends who quickly became a vital part of my survival up here, physically, spiritually, and mentally. (By physically, I mostly mean by feeding me.) Friends who are now some of my best friends ever. And who I will make an effort to stay in contact with for the rest of my life, even to the point of quite possibly annoying them.
*Finished my first year of college. With a 3.9 GPA.
*Taught lessons in Relief Society - which is an AMAZING calling. I love it.
*Seen miracles.
*Drifted from my Heavenly Father
*Grown closer to my Heavenly Father, after drifting.
*Come to understand the connection between scripture study and my happiness -I am happier when I study my scriptures.
*Been at my happiest, and also at my saddest.
*Despite my age, and how little I feel I know, learned how to be an adult, and to handle my problems. I may act immature at times, but that's because that's what I do to keep from going crazy.
*Learned the importance of play. There must be a balance. I can't just keep running around being perfectly responsible. It's important to take time to play. Or to color Sesame Street coloring books. Or to be with your friends and laugh yourself silly.
This has been a fantastic year. My first week up here, I wasn't so sure how things were going to go. One year later, I treasure all that has happened and all that I have learned. One year down, a lifetime more to go!
In this past year I've:
*Held hands with a boy for the first time (don't judge...I'm a slow mover and pretty much stayed away from relationships in high school.)
*Learned what it means to do something hard, something that hurts you a bit, because you care about the other person more than yourself.
*Payed all my bills pretty much without assistance from my parents.
*Survived living with 4 roommates, and have in fact enjoyed it greatly.
*Taken a class that I really didn't care about and decided that it wasn't worth killing myself over, thus earning myself my second B in the history of my educational career.
*Had me testimony strengthen on tithing and fast offerings.
*Learned how important it is to fully rely on the Lord.
*Learned why it is I am here in Flagstaff.
*Made friends with people who I can now never imagine my life without. Friends who quickly became a vital part of my survival up here, physically, spiritually, and mentally. (By physically, I mostly mean by feeding me.) Friends who are now some of my best friends ever. And who I will make an effort to stay in contact with for the rest of my life, even to the point of quite possibly annoying them.
*Finished my first year of college. With a 3.9 GPA.
*Taught lessons in Relief Society - which is an AMAZING calling. I love it.
*Seen miracles.
*Drifted from my Heavenly Father
*Grown closer to my Heavenly Father, after drifting.
*Come to understand the connection between scripture study and my happiness -I am happier when I study my scriptures.
*Been at my happiest, and also at my saddest.
*Despite my age, and how little I feel I know, learned how to be an adult, and to handle my problems. I may act immature at times, but that's because that's what I do to keep from going crazy.
*Learned the importance of play. There must be a balance. I can't just keep running around being perfectly responsible. It's important to take time to play. Or to color Sesame Street coloring books. Or to be with your friends and laugh yourself silly.
This has been a fantastic year. My first week up here, I wasn't so sure how things were going to go. One year later, I treasure all that has happened and all that I have learned. One year down, a lifetime more to go!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Live like you're dying
On Friday, while I was on my way down to Mesa, this song came on. (My sister has several CD mixes that we listen to while we're on our way down. This is on one of my two favorite mixes.) This song always makes me stop and think. And this time, it struck me more than it usually does.
Throughout the song the phrase, "We gotta live like we're dying" is repeated. Well, what does that mean? In the song, it talks about love - what you do with it, how you express it. Live like you're dying. So...love like you're dying? I think part of the reason why it struck me so strong this time, was because I had been kinda a brat last week. I'm always sarcastic, but the things I had been saying weren't quite as...light-hearted as they usually were. And I hadn't been thinking very nice things about a few people. I hadn't been expressing my love for others.
Live like you're dying. how do you express and show your love for others? It's something I've always been really bad at. I always use the excuse that I'm really bad at expressing my feelings - especially when they're strong feelings. But that's a pansy way out. Because if I love as much as I say I do, then it doesn't matter if it's hard, I'll make that effort.
Right when I came to the conclusion that I needed to love more, I picked up my phone and texted one of my friends, telling her that I love her. I don't know how many of you know what I big deal saying "I love you" is for me. Even if I've said it to you dozens of times before, if I say it to you - if I even just put it in writing - it means a lot. It's not a phrase that I used a lot after I was like 4 years old. In fact, it's only been like...4 years since I've actually started saying it again. I need to say it more, because there's many people I do love, and they should know it. And I should say it more to the people I do tell.
I also need to work on showing my love. Friday night and Saturday afternoon, I offered to help with my sister's baby shower. Friday night, I should have gone to bed much earlier than I did. Saturday, I was running on 4 hours of sleep - and had played racquetball that morning, so I was even more tired - and Beth get's cranky and cranky when she doesn't sleep. But, I did everything I was asked to do. This was time that I could have spent with friends that I never get to see - which would have been time well spent. But, instead, I chose to spend time with my family, helping them out. And I did it because I wanted to show my love for my family.
Live like you're dying. What do YOU do? I know I can do a whole lot more.
"You never know a good thing till it's gone.
You never see a crash till it's head on.
Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong?
You never know a good thing till it's gone."
Don't miss your chance to let people know that you love them. Don't let people leave your life without knowing just how much you care for them. Don't waste an opportunity of telling people just how important they are. Don't let a moment waste. Tell people that you love them - and mean it!
Randomness: This song. I wish this was how the world thought. "It's not about the money. We don't need your money. We just want to make the world dance, forget about the price tag....we're paying in love tonight." Seriously. Why does the world revolve around money. Also. This girl. I have no clue how I feel about her. I don't know if I should love her or think she's annoying. I would have shown the original, but Jessie J's outfits kinda made me want to barf. And the video was just weird. The end.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Conclusions
I have said good bye, once again, to someone I have come to love dearly. It made me do some thinking. And I have come to a few conclusions - and some are re-conclusions. You know, concluding something you have already concluded because you remembered why you came to that conclusion in the first place.
Conclusion #1: Seeing people go is harder than being the person to go. Last year, it was hard to leave, but I knew I was going where I was supposed to go, and that this was MY choice. But, seeing others go - even when I know it's what they're supposed to be doing - is SO much harder. Because it has nothing to do with my choice and my decision. Also, the fact that where they're supposed to be is not where I'm supposed to be just makes me sad, and also makes me wonder why Heavenly Father puts people in my path to because such an important part of my life when He soon needs them in a different place. Seeing Christine go yesterday was hard. Let me tell you, I'm going to miss that girl so much. But, I was determined to be happy that she was happy that she was going back home. So, I WAS - am - happy that she's happy. It just doesn't make me any happier to have seen her go. And then today, I said goodbye to Kathleen. I didn't have anything to do this morning before work so I was just kinda sitting there dinking around, watching her pack all of her stuff up. I think that made it worse. And the fact that when I left for work, I was leaving before she was leaving somehow made it harder inside my head. Yeah...I didn't cry when Christine left. Totally cried when I said goodbye to Kathleen. Lame.
Conclusion #2: Missing people is good. Being missed is good. Why? Because it means that you have built strong relationships. It means you have loved and that you have been loved. If you miss someone, then it means that they have impacted your life. They meant something to you and obviously did something good for your life. If you're missed, then that means that you did something for others, that you impacted lives and made a difference. It can be sad and it can be painful, but those feelings of missing others simply means that you love. And so, you should never regret those feelings because you should never regret love.
Conclusion #3: I. Love. Letters. And I'm excited to actually have time to write them. In fact, after I finish this blogpost, that is exactly what I'm going to do. And I hope people are good at writing back. Because, seriously. Getting letters in the mail is the BEST. Every time I get one I do a little happy dance. I sometimes give a little scream from excitement. (Beth doesn't scream.)
Conclusion #4: I love Flagstaff. I love the weather. I love the cool breezes, the pretty scenery. I love needing to wear a light jacket in the middle of the summer, compared to wanting to rip all of my clothes off because I feel like I'm dying from the heat, like how I often feel in Mesa during the summer. And, above all, I love the people here. Even when many are leaving, there are still several who are remaining. Flagstaff has the best quality of people. I love it here in Flag. If I didn't, you would find me back in Mesa, mooching off my parents, not paying rent, not buying food, going to ASU, and just hanging out with old friends. Truthfully...that actually doesn't appeal to me. I mean, yeah, hanging out with old friends would be AWESOME. And not paying bills, fantastic! But, where's the growth, the learning, the stretching, the becoming a better person? It would be much harder for me to do that in that sort of environment. Some people can, Beth can't. When Beth is around familiar and comfortable, she makes no effort to change and to grow. Hm...maybe that's why Heavenly Father puts people in my path only to have them move away afterwards. He's doing it so I'll stretch myself. I'll make new friends, but then I'll also make the effort to stay in contact with the old friends. (Beth has a hard time with that.) He's seeing what I'm willing to do for my love for people and with my love for people. He's seeing if He can trust me with these fantastic people, so that they don't waste their time being with me. (That was conclusion #5. That I may have JUST come to the conclusion of.)
So. Yes. This is why I like to just think sometimes. And then write what I think - because writing clarifies things and sometimes brings more things into focus. The end.
Conclusion #1: Seeing people go is harder than being the person to go. Last year, it was hard to leave, but I knew I was going where I was supposed to go, and that this was MY choice. But, seeing others go - even when I know it's what they're supposed to be doing - is SO much harder. Because it has nothing to do with my choice and my decision. Also, the fact that where they're supposed to be is not where I'm supposed to be just makes me sad, and also makes me wonder why Heavenly Father puts people in my path to because such an important part of my life when He soon needs them in a different place. Seeing Christine go yesterday was hard. Let me tell you, I'm going to miss that girl so much. But, I was determined to be happy that she was happy that she was going back home. So, I WAS - am - happy that she's happy. It just doesn't make me any happier to have seen her go. And then today, I said goodbye to Kathleen. I didn't have anything to do this morning before work so I was just kinda sitting there dinking around, watching her pack all of her stuff up. I think that made it worse. And the fact that when I left for work, I was leaving before she was leaving somehow made it harder inside my head. Yeah...I didn't cry when Christine left. Totally cried when I said goodbye to Kathleen. Lame.
Conclusion #2: Missing people is good. Being missed is good. Why? Because it means that you have built strong relationships. It means you have loved and that you have been loved. If you miss someone, then it means that they have impacted your life. They meant something to you and obviously did something good for your life. If you're missed, then that means that you did something for others, that you impacted lives and made a difference. It can be sad and it can be painful, but those feelings of missing others simply means that you love. And so, you should never regret those feelings because you should never regret love.
Conclusion #3: I. Love. Letters. And I'm excited to actually have time to write them. In fact, after I finish this blogpost, that is exactly what I'm going to do. And I hope people are good at writing back. Because, seriously. Getting letters in the mail is the BEST. Every time I get one I do a little happy dance. I sometimes give a little scream from excitement. (Beth doesn't scream.)
Conclusion #4: I love Flagstaff. I love the weather. I love the cool breezes, the pretty scenery. I love needing to wear a light jacket in the middle of the summer, compared to wanting to rip all of my clothes off because I feel like I'm dying from the heat, like how I often feel in Mesa during the summer. And, above all, I love the people here. Even when many are leaving, there are still several who are remaining. Flagstaff has the best quality of people. I love it here in Flag. If I didn't, you would find me back in Mesa, mooching off my parents, not paying rent, not buying food, going to ASU, and just hanging out with old friends. Truthfully...that actually doesn't appeal to me. I mean, yeah, hanging out with old friends would be AWESOME. And not paying bills, fantastic! But, where's the growth, the learning, the stretching, the becoming a better person? It would be much harder for me to do that in that sort of environment. Some people can, Beth can't. When Beth is around familiar and comfortable, she makes no effort to change and to grow. Hm...maybe that's why Heavenly Father puts people in my path only to have them move away afterwards. He's doing it so I'll stretch myself. I'll make new friends, but then I'll also make the effort to stay in contact with the old friends. (Beth has a hard time with that.) He's seeing what I'm willing to do for my love for people and with my love for people. He's seeing if He can trust me with these fantastic people, so that they don't waste their time being with me. (That was conclusion #5. That I may have JUST come to the conclusion of.)
So. Yes. This is why I like to just think sometimes. And then write what I think - because writing clarifies things and sometimes brings more things into focus. The end.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
It's the end.
About a year ago, I started preparing for graduation. I started packing up my things (psh. actually, I starting THINKING about packing up my things. I only started packing about two days before I left. Professional procrastinator, right here.) And, I started reflecting. Reflecting on the past year. I started thinking about the friendships I had made and the impact my friends made on my life. I did a lot of growing up my senior year of high school, and my friends helped me with that. So, as I was thinking about all that, this poem came into being - it was mostly about Chamber.
Will never really leave you.
I didn’t truly understand
Until my future
Caught up with me.
I have taken my last final as a freshman in college. It's kinda an awesome feeling. but, at first, it was being over-shadowed by something else. Dread, almost. You see, it has come to my attention that several people are leaving Flagstaff, and not only for the summer. Some of these people I have grown particularly fond of. Some of these people have been a huge source of strength and joy this first year away from home. But that dread has been replaced with something else. Something almost like...resolve. Looking on what I was experiencing a year ago, it's kind of similar. Except, I'm not the one leaving. It's their future that is causing our paths to separate. I thought I was going to be done with this once I moved up here. I don't do well with change. I get attached to people. Sure, go ahead and change circumstances and situations, and I'll figure it out. But change the people around me, the people who have been my rocks? I turn into a mess. But...now I've remembered that it's not so bad. It will suck not seeing these awesome people constantly, but I will always have a relationship with them. And...yeah. Moving on with life. I'm excited for this summer, and for next semester. Who knows who the Lord will place into my path, next.
Also, I need to learn to, one, take pictures, and two, not run away from cameras. Seriously. I always regret not having pictures when times like these happen. Lame, Beth, lame.
But this is prolly my favorite one taken this year.....the end.
Future
I’m leaving to catch my future
But where does that leave you?
Is there a place in my future
For you too?
I’m switching homes,
I’m switching schools,
I’m switching cities,
But where does that leave you?
How does one switch a friend?
A memory?
A song?!
You just cannot replace those things –
No switching allowed at all!
I remember the days
When I was most down,
Hard on myself,
Overwhelmed, stressed
No smile on my face,
Angry, depressed.
Those all went away
When you were around.
I have you to thank
For my sanity now!
I have to go catch my future,
But where does that leave you?
With you I smiled, I laughed,
Got many cases of the giggles,
Was silly, sarcastic,
Even cried a bit too.
You have helped me so much
And I hope I’ve helped you.
My future’s catching up to me –
Oh what am I to do?
When my future’s here,
And you are not,
What is one to do?
When I am there,
And you are not –
Where does that leave you?
Without me here
Without you there
And no help in between?
Who knows when
I will see you next?
Oh what am I to do?
My future’s nearly here, you see,
The next step of my life.
And with me gone
And with you not
How different life will be!
Without you there
‘Most everyday
To sing and laugh with me.
Still, life goes on
One surely knows.
But where does that leave you?
No longer in my life –
Or will our friendship carry on?
My future’s here
And you are not –
And yet, it seems you are.
And it’s true!
For you’re forever in my heart.
They say the ones
That you love mostWill never really leave you.
I didn’t truly understand
Until my future
Caught up with me.
I have taken my last final as a freshman in college. It's kinda an awesome feeling. but, at first, it was being over-shadowed by something else. Dread, almost. You see, it has come to my attention that several people are leaving Flagstaff, and not only for the summer. Some of these people I have grown particularly fond of. Some of these people have been a huge source of strength and joy this first year away from home. But that dread has been replaced with something else. Something almost like...resolve. Looking on what I was experiencing a year ago, it's kind of similar. Except, I'm not the one leaving. It's their future that is causing our paths to separate. I thought I was going to be done with this once I moved up here. I don't do well with change. I get attached to people. Sure, go ahead and change circumstances and situations, and I'll figure it out. But change the people around me, the people who have been my rocks? I turn into a mess. But...now I've remembered that it's not so bad. It will suck not seeing these awesome people constantly, but I will always have a relationship with them. And...yeah. Moving on with life. I'm excited for this summer, and for next semester. Who knows who the Lord will place into my path, next.
Also, I need to learn to, one, take pictures, and two, not run away from cameras. Seriously. I always regret not having pictures when times like these happen. Lame, Beth, lame.
But this is prolly my favorite one taken this year.....the end.
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