The bright light of hope.

Do you ever get just absolutely discouraged? You know, when things aren't going the way you think they should? That tends to happen to me when I feel like Heavenly Father should have things happen differently. This week I've had this experience. Apparently there is much I need to learn in regards to patience and trust in the Lord's time. And trust in the Lord's way.

I had some confusion about something, a choice that could, quite possibly, effect the date in which I would be available to go on a mission. In other words, it could make it possible for me to leave sooner than I desire. But...this confusion led to doubts. It led to many other feelings. Frustration. Discouragement. Stress. It led me to question many other decisions I've recently made. It's funny. Within the past two and a half months, I have made probably as many big decisions as I have in the rest of my 19 years. But, ultimately, it came to the point that the only decision I knew, absolutely knew, was the correct decision - the only decision I haven't questioned at all - was my decision to go on a mission.

And then, the reality of how easy it would be to just...enroll in classes again and just forget all about this mission stuff hit me. And it was a much strong temptation than I thought it would be. It would be SO easy. It would be a lot easier to go to school than to prepare for a mission. As hard and stressful as school is...it will be much easier than going on a mission; the dedication one must put forth on a mission is incredible. None of that time is yours - it's all the Lord's, and it should all be spent devoted to doing what can best serve others.

So, all this confusion and doubt was really bringing me down. So, what did I do? Well, I talked to the sister missionaries. I have this thing with letting people know about the not-happy-or-positive- thoughts and feelings that go on inside of me. I don't do it. I have a hard time with it. An entire lifetime of people being like, "Oh, Beth, these people look up to you, because of your strength, your faith, your example. You're just so great!" It makes me feel like a phony. It makes me feel like if I show any sign of weakness, I'm letting those people down. I know, it's irrational. It's silly. It's prideful. But I can't do it. Even with many of my closest friends, whom I trust SO much, I cannot share those things. Writing it on this blog? Well, it's slightly different. One, I'm pretty much over it. Two...I'm not actually telling anyone in specific. Three, I know only a handful of people actually read this and most of them are family, so, no big deal.

Anyways. I talked to the sister missionaries. More for comfort than for an actual answer to my confusion. And. Let me tell you. Sister Ferrell was very firm with me. She obviously was very loving. She gave advice - and some scriptures to read (go figure! A missionary through and through) - but,when it came right down to it, she was just like, "Beth. You know. You know what's right, you know the spirit and how to recognize it. Just have a little more faith a trust." Gentle and loving, but firm. I feel like if I ever came up to her and told her, for whatever reason, that I was leaving the church, she would spit fire at me and single-handily reconvert me. Quite frankly, I'd be terrified to tell her that.

It is the sisters like Sister Ferrell - and many, many of the other sisters I have come into contact with in the past year or so - who inspire me, who keep this fiery desire to go on a mission burning. And now, although I still really don't know how things are going to work out...I know they will! Because I have faith. And hope. And that awful confusion and discouragement that I was feeling is banished. I'm still a little anxious. But I know that it will work out. Because Heavenly Father wants me to go on a mission - because I want to go on a mission. He will make it possible. He will provide a way. Hope has brightened the way.