The trouble with freshman

I've mentioned before how there's a bajillion of freshmen here. You know how freshmen are. Immature. Rude. Spacy. Flaky. Sometimes scared out of their mind of the upperclassmen. Whiny because they miss Mommy and Daddy and home-cooked meals (although a lot of them still have Mommy and Daddy paying for everything). This class of freshmen is the biggest NAU has ever had. Seems like lots of fun, right?

Actually...it IS a lot of fun. The freshmen that I have come into contact with have been rather spectacular. In fact, most of the new friends I've made have been little freshmen girls. And by little...I don't mean little. Because I'm pretty sure Shirley has like a good 8 inches on me. And some of them are only like 3 months younger than me. These past few weeks, I've been looking at the freshmen that have been around me, mostly at church, (I may or may not ignore other freshmen because they bother me.) and I've been astounded.

At first I was like, "Dude. Why is it that I'm being drawn to become friends with them? There's lots of other new people here. And lots of people who were here last year that I still don't know." I've always gotten along well with people older than me and people in the grade just below me. I figured the reason why I get along with people older than me has to do with the fact that I've dealt with people older than me all my life. That happens when you have 8 older siblings, I guess. But, for whatever reason, it took me forever to figure out why I got along really well with the people in the grade just below me. Until I remembered that, if I had been born 3 months later, I would be in the same grade as them. Duh. I guess I just get so used to people being so surprised when I tell them that I'm 19 (or when I was 18) because they thought I was at least 21. Or when an adorable old lady last year thought me and Amy were twins and when we told her that there was a three year difference and one was a freshman and the other was a senior, she thought I was the older one. (Win!) Or when people tell my I'm more mature than most people my age. I have to remind myself that I'm on the young end of my grade. I'm a baby sophomore. I was a baby freshman.

And then, I come to realize that a lot of the freshmen that I'm becoming friends with are quite incredible. I mean, they're still obviously freshmen. Most of them still have that newbie air around them. A little bit unsure, not quite confident in what they're doing, a little bit shell-shocked, and they tend to stay in groups. It's like they're scared of older college students or something. But then I see their spiritual strength, I come to know some of the things they've had to do or deal with in their life, or see how they're handling college life and being away from home and I'm humbled. Because my life has been relatively easy. Most of my struggles have been emotional, and I've been able to get over those pretty quickly. And my first week up here was...well, I was a train wreck by the end of it. Not very many people knew, though, because I didn't know anyone at that time. So they saw me as the calm and collected freshmen who had been living in Flagstaff since June. These freshmen are so much cooler than I was as a freshmen. It's definitely humbling.

It makes me think of the whole rising generation thing. There are definitely many incredible souls here on this earth at this time, because we are the rising generation. I'm grateful for these freshmen  I'm getting to know. I'm grateful they chose to come up to Flagstaff and that our paths have crossed - Heavenly Father's foresight is incredible and I've come to recognize the importance of making sure that those people He places in my life become people I love, trust, and call my friends. Because that's why He places them in my life. So, yeah. I'm drowning in freshmen. But, they're pretty cool, so I guess it's not too bad.

Love

Today at church I was filled with a whole lot of...feelingness. I tried writing it down in words at sacrament meeting, but what I was feeling went a whole lot deeper than just mere words. Words can be powerful. Words can influence others. Words can invite the spirit or drive it away.  But words are insufficient for deep, deep feelings. And what I was feeling today was love.

Love is an incredible thing. Now, I'm not talking being in love. Though I'm sure that is amazing. I'm just talking about love in general. Love is...love is everything. Everything is love - or, everything that is important and that has power. God is love. Jesus Christ is love. The Gospel is love. The Priesthood is love. I think that happiness comes from love -whether it's love for those around you or love for whatever it is you're doing. Love is SO important. And, earlier this week, I came to the conclusion that I need to do a whole lot more loving. I need to be more loving - be kinder, do more service for those around me, express the love that I have for others. Everything that I do in life should be motivated by love - whether it's love for my God, love for those around me, or even love for myself. But, my life should be about love. And, it's funny. Since I've had that inspiration and made that decision, life has just thrown me a bunch of little things that made me frustrated and annoyed with people. It was like immediate opposition in my resolve to love more - which, in reality, reinforces to me that this is exactly what I need to be doing. Not that it makes it any easier.

So, today in church, in remembering all this about love and its importance, all the feelingness that I was experiencing was simply...love. Intense love. A love that I simply cannot put into words. I sing in the ward choir, and today we sang "How Great Thou Art." I cried like a little baby - which, as a side note, embarrassed me to no end. I hate crying when no one else is. But, I couldn't not cry, because of the overwhelming feeling of love that I had. It was as the song said, "Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, how great Thou art! How great Thou art!" My soul truly was singing, my entire being was exclaiming those words! How great Thou art! Think about it. Think about what Christ has done for you.

"And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent him to die, I scarce can take it in.
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow in humble adoration,
And there proclaim: My God, how great Thou art!"

Gladly bearing. Jesus bore our burdens gladly because of His love for us. If you do not have a testimony of Christ, if you don't believe in Him and can't understand why I feel the way I feel, why I share whenever I can my testimony and love for Christ and this Gospel,  then at least just do this: Picture a man, the kindest, gentlest, most giving man you know. This man loves you. A lot. Much like your brother or father or someone like that. This man wipes away every tear you shed. This man, when you are struggling will come to you and help you in any way possible. He comforts you when you are in the deepest despair. When you feel you can't go on anymore, he lifts you up from the ground, carries you, wraps his arms around you. He puts a smile on your face when you feel like nothing could ever do so. He is always, always there for you, like your best friend, but MORE. THAT is Jesus Christ. Except infinitely more. He suffered every little thing that we have gone through and will go through. He took our burdens upon Himself. He cried our tears. He felt our pains. He felt our stress, our sadness, our frustrations, our despair. And, I love Him for it. I love Him more than I could ever express.

But, that's the thing. I need to express that love. How does one do that? By loving others, I think. If I truly love Him, I will love those around me. I will serve them, thereby serving Him. One day, hopefully some day soon, Christ will come. I cannot wait for that day. Because, I will bow, I will kneel, and I will tell Him everything that He means to me. And I hope that He will be able to tell me that the way I lived my life reflected the love I have for Him.

This man. I love Him. I know Him. He is my Savior. My brother. My best friend. So much love. So much feeling for Him that I literally cannot express.

How I Feel

This morning while doing my scripture study, I had a very sweet experience. And, I don't think mere words would be able to explain just what happened. But, to put it simply, I was filled with an intense love. Love for Christ.  And, I wanted to shout it to the world. Shout that Christ is real, that Jesus is our Savior, and He loves us! I wanted to shout my love for and my testimony of him. But, of course, my timid manner of speaking in situations I'm not completely comfortable in is a terrible weakness of mine, and I feel I can't do that. (I mean, I know I can. It just terrifies me, and I can't think of a situation in which I might be able to do it for reals.) So, I've decided to do it in the form that I AM completely comfortable with: writing. Writing is the only way - save music - that I feel I can express myself in the way I want to. I feel it's the only way I can get my feelings out, just right - usually. Sometimes music is the only way I can do that.

Anyways. I would feel incredibly ungrateful if I did not do this. I know Christ is my Savior and my Redeemer. My Elder brother and my Best Friend. I can rely on Him, no matter what. No matter where life takes me. He wants  to help us, He wants us to come to Him, He wants  to ease our burdens and make our life easier. How many people do you know who want that constantly? And, if you are lucky enough to come across someone like that in this life, can't you see Christ in their eyes?

I've recently decided I needed to make some changes in my life - and they're hard changes to make. But, now, there's nothing else I want to do more than make those changes - and make them permanent. Why? Well, so I can become like Him. So people will be able to look at me, and see Him, and be drawn to Him. So that my life will not be about my own life, but about His. I want, above all other things, to be able to hug Him someday and look up into His eyes, and see nothing but joy because I have lived the way I needed to and because I have achieved the ultimate achievement of eternal life. And, I want Him to know, because of the way I have led my life, that I love Him. That I love Him and Heavenly Father above all things.

I have a testimony of Christ. I hope my words have touched you. If you are uncertain of Christ, of His love for you, find out for yourself! I promise you, you will never be the same. Christ loves you. He loves me. He is the greatest man to have ever walked the Earth, and I'm SO grateful I am able to know Him.

The first week

So, this week was the first week of school for NAU. It was a...very hard week. When I got home from work everyday (I'm done with all my classes by like 1, and then I go to work until we close) I just wanted to sit on the couch and not talk to anyone, not see anyone, and not do anything whatsoever. But...I did. Do you know how hard that is? I admire my mother SO much! She'd come home from work, super tired, from working all day, and then she'd go finish the laundry I neglected to do, go cook dinner, and wash dishes. I can barely motivate myself to write in my journal by the end of the day, and it's not like that takes tons of energy.

Anyways. It was hard. I was tired. I was busy. Running around all over the place. Having to pretend to be all happy and perky when I felt like poop. There were moments of happiness, obviously. Institute. Choir. Making new friends. Skyping Christine.

Wednesday night, I finally got a hold of a planner and wrote my whole life down in it, and made a goal to write to-do lists every day - at least, every school day - to keep my life organized and on track. It made a HUGE difference. Thursday was a fantastic day! The best day I've had for awhile.

I think I know why this week was so hard. I've striven to make some changes recently. And they're hard changes to make. Anyone who truly knows me well know that I generally don't put forth more effort than I need to. I've realized...that's not the way to live life. I need to be trying my best in all that I do. But...for a somewhat lazy person, that's a hard change to make. So that made this week SO difficult, because I was trying to work hard and get things done, but then I'd be so tired, have so much to do, and things would just happen to get in the way of me being productive. It was SO frustrating!

Also. Freshman are taking over the school. I feel like I'm drowning in freshman. It's not exactly a bad thing. Most of the ones I've come in contact with are pretty cool. And the other ones I've only come in contact with in the Card office, so I've only had to deal with them for a couple of minutes. I like to give some of them a hard time, though. I feel like it's my prerogative as someone who was a freshman last year, especially sense practically everyone who didn't know me before didn't know I was a freshman.

There's been no racquetball in my life, because I'm poor and haven't been able to pay my fees for the rec center. It's a sad truth, but after I get the paycheck for working Death Week (a whole other story) I'll be able to pay all my fees and have enough to buy me pizza for a month. (Don't worry, Mom. I won't go buy pizza for a month. I'd get fat.)

So, that's my life the past week. At least the very brief, and random version. The end. 

Please enjoy this picture of me being awesome and shooting a gun. (Don't ask questions. I'm feeling random.)