The Army of Helaman

I know I've been severely slacking on this blog. Why? I either have TONS to say, or absolutely nothing. As we all know, the mission has been on my mind. Right now, I have 5 days till I report to the MTC. It's become real. And it's absolutely mind-blowing!

This Sunday was the beginning of a lot of...thoughts. And feelings. All of which have helped me make realizations that are very beneficial. The start of this? I was listening to my InsideOut playlist before church. We'll Bring the World His Truth came on and...I was filled with an incredible spirit.

We have been born, as Nephi of old, 
To goodly parents who love the Lord. 
We have been taught, and we understand,
That we must do as the Lord commands.

We have been saved for these latter days
To build the kingdom in righteous ways.
We hear the words our prophet declares:
"Let each who's worthy go forth and share."

We are as the army of Helaman.
We have been taught in our youth.
And we will be the Lord's missionaries 
To bring the world his truth.

We know his plan, and we will prepare,
Increase our knowledge through study and prayer. 
Daily we'll learn until we are called
To take the gospel to all the world.


We are as the army of Helaman.
We have been taught in our youth.
And we will be the Lord's missionaries 
To bring the world his truth.

I don't know if there are words to express exactly what I felt Sunday morning, or the feelings I feel now in reading these words. It struck me with great force that this, this is what I'm doing. I am, now, joining the army of Helaman. I am making a stand. When I put that name-tag on, in 5 days, I will be flying my banner. It is a banner that, not only the world can recognize, but Heavenly Father will recognize.

The third verse is very powerful to me. For...I know his plan and I will - I have - prepare(d), increase my knowledge through study and prayer. Daily I learn for I have been called to take the gospel to all the world. I am a part of the army of Helaman. I have been taught in my youth. And I will be the Lord's missionary to bring the world his truth. Words cannot describe what I feel when I think this. This is real life!! It's not something I'm looking forward to, hoping for, talking to people about, but this. Is. Happening. In 5 days. Haha I'm kinda freaking out mentally about it!!

But, I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. And I know that this Gospel is so, so, SO good!! I wish I had the ability to write everything that I have experienced and gone through the past...almost 6 months, now. A lot has gone on in my life. But, it's been good (mostly) and what hasn't been good has been worth it. Or will be worth it, in the end.

Things I've learned:

*Heavenly Father's timeline is perfect. He sees things that we can't, so we need to just trust in Him!!

*Because Heavenly Father's timeline is so perfect, He also provides us with experiences, blessings, and people in order to help us to get to the point that we need to be at for things to happen in the way He needs them to.

*When we put our faith in Christ and trust Him, He will bless us and give us little tender mercies that can end up being miracles.

*Love is so, so, SO important. As well as humility. One cannot fully and completely love God and others without humility in their hearts.

*It is always worth it. I promise you that. It is ALWAYS worth it!! Doing the right thing, being obedient, following what Heavenly Father has asked you to do, everything will be worth it, because Heavenly Father will bless you immensely. And you life will be so much better than you ever thought! And you will experience a happiness you could never imagine.

*I have a duty. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have made covenants - especially after going through the temple - and I must uphold and keep them. I must be an example of Jesus Christ, and I must strive to bring others closer to Him - through love.

I'm gonna be a missionary, you guys. With all the feelings this arises in me, ultimately...this makes me so happy. More happy than I could ever express. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. I know it with all my heart and with my whole being. I love it!

I have enlisted and the Lord is calling my name...

It finally happened. I received my call. Yes, I did wait 3 days to tell people. But, here's why: Sister Ferrell was transferred 2 weeks before I received my call. She was super bummed, I was super bummed, and I was talking to my friend Kimberly about it, and she was like, "Here's what you can do. Write Sister Ferrell a letter and then don't tell anyone until she gets her letter." She was sort of kidding, and I thought it was a good idea, but wasn't sure if I would actually do it. I was talking to Sister Ferrell about it, and as I told her the idea, she seriously got the biggest smile on her face. I kinda had to do it after that. So, if you're complaining about not knowing sooner...well...I kinda don't care.

Anyways. Bishop Walton told me I should have my call on February 15th. All that week, I was going crazy. I had made plans to open it with Sister Harrah and Sister Bradshaw. Thursday came, and we all were like, "It could come EARLY!!" and we all freaked out a little bit...and then it wasn't in the mailbox. I was a wee bit crushed. (And by a wee bit, I mean I cried in my room for a few minutes.)

Friday came. No big white envelope. Again, I was crushed. I sat in my room and cried a little bit longer than before. But then I got over it and tried to be optimistic, saying that I was going to get my call on Saturday, so no big deal! And then, the sisters came and visited me for just a little bit, to give me some loving, which was very helpful.

Saturday came. I looked in the mailbox...still nothing. I kept my composure for a little bit longer. I was fine. I kept telling myself that I just needed to be patient. Heavenly Father was just trying to teach me patience. Then, a friend of mine told me she just got her call. And...I cracked. Just about the entire evening I was depressed. A little bit of a silly reaction...yes. But, this is something I've been living for for the past 2 months. It was the ONLY thing I was living for; I'm not in school, and I'm not working. Literally the only thing.

Sunday came. I tried to figure out what it was Heavenly Father was trying to teach me - because I knew it was a little bit more than just patience. I prayed and fasted and pondered. And talked to the sisters. And...I figured it out. And I worked on it.

Monday was Presidents' Day so there was no mail. I tried really hard to stay calm and patient and I kept myself busy; I did have my moments of frustration because people would keep asking me if I had gotten the call yet.

Tuesday, I tried to keep myself busy. I had a lot of institute classes so it wasn't too bad. Eventually, it was time to go check the mail...I was super nervous. I slowly opened the mailbox and saw a large white envelope. I fumbled with the mail on top of it to see what who it was for. And, I saw my name...and and ran to the apartment at high speed to drop off the rest of the mail and then headed to the institute. I was helping with a lesson with the sisters at 5:00. I had about 10 minutes before the lesson started. (Though the person who the lesson was for came late, so I ended up having a little bit more time.) Excitement and joy was shooting through me. Finally!! It was time! I looked at that envelope and opened it slowly.

I pulled out the letter and read it slowly, almost made nervous by the excitement.

Dear Sister Root:

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Washington Tacoma Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.

You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, April 3, 2013. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the English language.

I read this, and the rest of the letter (it's pretty much like the best letter you could ever read.) and...it was perfect. I saw Washington Tacoma and knew that it is, indeed, where I'm supposed to go. I never have felt such a feeling. It was just absolutely perfect!

You guys, I am so incredibly excited to be able to do this. It terrifies me. I leave in five and a half weeks. I have absolutely nothing. And I need so much. But...I have been prepared for this. And there are people being prepared for me. And I can't wait!

I Have Enlisted

I am but a girl,

One with many faults and fears.

A mere girl

Who is weak and has

But little Courage.

Yet, I have enlisted;

The Lord has called my name.

I am a member of the

Fellowship of the Unashamed.

I made the choice

A long time ago –

Though I did not understand, then –

That I will follow the Lord

To the ends of the Earth.

And now, the Lord has said it is

My time.

My time to show my Love

And my Devotion.

My time to serve.

My time to find the

Little, lost, wandering black sheep,

And bring them back to

The Shepherd’s Fold.

My flesh is weak,

As well as my words.

I struggle to do the things

That I must do.

Yet, despite my weaknesses,

And my deep-rooted and often hidden

Fears,

My heart cries out,

“O that I were an Angel!”

My spirit desires to proclaim,

Yet I shy away, for fear;

But I have declared my course,

I cannot back down.

With God and His angels

At my side,

I fight against Satan

And his forces.

The most miserable spirit

Seeks the misery of all others,

So I’ll spread and bring

Joy and the Light.

I have enlisted;

The Lord has called my name.

I am a member of the

Fellowship of the Unashamed.

  

I’ll fight against Satan’s

Hate and Misery

With the Love and Joy of God.

I have enlisted;

The Lord has called my name.

He asks for obedience,

And I’ll respond with a

Resounding, “Yes!”

With obedience comes power –

The power of the Spirit.

This is the power

That sparks the

Change of Heart.

I must be humble;

I must be kind;

I must be selfless;

I must be me –

But the best me I can be,

The me Heavenly Father sees.

For I have enlisted;

The Lord has called my name.

I am a member of the

Fellowship of the Unashamed.

I am but a girl,

But Christ is my Captain.

I may be weak and have little courage,

But I am a member of His

Fellowship of the Unashamed;

So I will not back down.

For I have enlisted.

The Lord is calling my name.

There's this fantastic woman named Sister Ferrell

7 months ago, I was stressed. Not unhappy - I was finding happiness in life, and knew I was quite blessed - but I was completely focused on work, earning enough money for my education, rent, and food, and my grades. (Though it was summer at the time. I will still looking forward to how possibly stressful the next semester was going to be.) Ever since Sister Wise and Sister Vaughan had been here in Flag, I tried to remain active in helping the missionaries with lessons, when they needed it. Then, 7ish months ago, one Sister Ferrell arrived. She was a greenie. Fresh from the MTC. After the first few weeks, I noticed that she and Sister New were a fantastic companionship. Plus, she was absolutely hilarious. I found myself having to turn down several requests to sit in on lessons because of work - it was the summer, so I pretty much worked all the time. So, at times where I wasn't at work, but either feeling tired or lazy, I ended up guilt-tripping myself into sitting in on lessons when asked, even though I didn't want to. I never regretted it, though.

Eventually, I came to love those two sisters so much. They made me excited about missionary work again, something that has not always been constant in my time up here in Flagstaff. And Sister Ferrell would constantly say things to me that uplifted me.

Fast forward a few months. It's no longer July, but October. I'm assuming you all know the story, if you're reading my blog. I went up to Utah for Conference. I had been stressed for a whole month and a half from school. This weekend, I was still super busy, not only with traveling and conference attending, but also school assignments, like a mid-term for my online Criminology class. Miraculously, I was not stressed. Which was good. If I was stressed, things would have been a lot worse. Because that weekend, my world was rocked. It was changed. The age requirement for missionaries was dropped, as I'm sure you all know. And, instantaneously, my mind started working at a hundred miles a minute. And, I became very, very confused.

That next Monday, Sister New and Sister Ferrell happened to sit in with my home evening group. I was struck by inspiration, and decided I was going to talk to them about it. You know, Elder Nelson's talk, "Ask the Missionaries. They Can Help You!" So I did. And it was weird how perfect the things were that Sister Ferrell said. Not that it cleared things up. But, boy, did it make it easier for Heavenly Father to get through my thick head that I was supposed to go on a mission.

Fast-forward to December. I had the biggest breakdown of my life. I had several before this, Sister Ferrell being privy to them all.  And, she would always be led by the spirit to say the most perfect things to calm me and to help me see straight. But this breakdown...it was a doozy. And, she wasn't with Sister New anymore, but with a new sister - a greenie - Sister Harrah. Poor girl. She probably was wondering why this nutcase was sitting in their office, crying hysterically. But. It was bad. And Sister Ferrell was perfect. She took me from the depths of...just...badness. Unhappiness, and confusion, doubts, frustration, a plethora of feelings and thoughts that led me to this unpleasant funk.  I laid everything before her. Something I don't do very often. I tend to let certain people know bits and pieces. I said everything. Absolutely everything. And, by doing that, and by the spirit that accompanied her words...I was fixed. I was no longer broken. I felt a calm that I had been lacking, and I could think clearly.

This woman has been able to touch my heart in a way few others have. She is someone that I know, without a doubt, that the Lord sent into my life 7 months ago to help me get through life. Every bump and rough patch that I couldn't seem to fix on my own, she took my hand and led me through. And there have been a lot the past few months. And she has taught me SO much.

I am the person I am, right now, because of her. She's been an incredible strength to me. She would give little reminders through the things she would say and do, without even realizing it, and I slowly started changing my life for the better. My heart was touched, and was then softened through that touch. I feel the spirit more than I ever have before. I am happier (usually) because of her; through her example and passion for the Gospel alongside my already present testimony and love or the Gospel caused this big...I dunno, this big bubble of happiness to just EXPLODE inside of me, and I turned into this super happy person, excited about life and the church and being able to serve a mission.

By touching my heart, it was opened up to a great amount of love. Love is something I'm kinda...bad about. I mean, I love people, but I'm bad at expressing it (though I'm getting better at it). I couldn't...not express it with her. As I strove to express it to her, it merely expanded, so I would attempt again, but it would just grow. It's a vicious cycle that I have experienced before, but it was like 10 times the intensity with her. I don't know what it was, but not only was my heart opened up to her - and thus, everyone else around me - but it was like...split open and make bigger. Like the Grinch's heart! And since I felt so much love, I would just try to...put it on her. I would give her that love. (That's the best way that I describe it.)

And now...she's been transferred. Unexpectedly. Two weeks before I get my mission call. That's what stinks and hurts the worst about this. Because since she's been through so much of this with me, and since I don't have any family up here with me, I wanted her right there beside me as I opened my mission call. I felt that, since Heavenly Father placed her in my life at this very crucial time in my life, it was kind of natural, and that it was supposed to happen. It made sense to me. But, Heavenly Father has other plans. And the people in Farmington need her more than I do. I can't begrudge that. But...it makes my heart hurt. Because now I have all this love and I don't know where to put it - I mean, I'm still giving love to others, just like I was before. There was just a surplus there, for her, because of her, and it's still there. Just...she's not here. Letters and prayers can only go so far in regards to this. (Again, the best way for me to describe.)

In the end though, I will be eternally grateful for her entering into my life, and I know that this isn't out final goodbye. I fully intend to see her in 20ish months (hopefully; depends on when I leave on my mission) or as soon after those 20ish months after I get off my mission. I feel it's a necessary thing. And, if not, that's cool. There's an eternity for visiting. Not that I want to wait that long...but we'll be partying in the eternities regardless.

Anyways. The point of this post is twofold. One, because I need to word-vomit the feelings/thoughts inside of me right now. And since Sister Ferrell was the one I normally would do that when I was feeling extreme sadness or whatevs...my blog seemed like the best outlet. Two, because I have a desire for people to know just how incredible this woman is, and the effect she has made on my life. I am incredibly sad that she is gone - but I know she is where she is needed, so I know I'll get over it. I happy she's doing the Lord's work, as always. But I love her dearly. She is a fantastic person. And I can't wait for the day when I get to see her again and call her Sister Ferrell and then have her get mad at me for not calling her by her first name, since she won't be on her mission. It'll be fun. :)

3 Months

Three months ago, today, I made the decision to go on a mission. It was a tough choice to make. I mean, I really, really wanted to go...but it didn't make sense. It didn't fit into my plan. But, after praying and studying, I came to the conclusion that Heavenly Father not only wanted me to go, but needed me to go. So, I immediately set up an appointment with Bishop and talked to him about it. He said that after the winter break, I could start my papers. And, it all began.

The past three months have been incredibly bumpy. I've had hard choices to make - all but one making absolutely no logical sense, but I made them nonetheless because it was what the spirit was telling me to do. I've had plenty of breakdowns and emotional meltdowns, and doubts, and confusion, and problems, and trials. But, the one thing that has kept me grounded and firm is how strong a confirmation that I got about going on a mission. True, it would be a lot easier to just give up and not go. But, I cannot do that. Constantly, throughout these past three months, the spirit has whispered to me, "Beth, you are meant to go on a mission. This is for you. Keep pushing forward." I have striven to keep counsel with the spirit. Many of the things it has told me to do doesn't make sense. And that is REALLY hard for me to accept. I tend to have to have things planned out, it has to all make sense, otherwise it's not worth my time. Heavenly Father has SO much to teach me; He needs me to learn to simply trust in Him, have faith that, as long as I'm doing what He has asked me to do, He will provide a way for me to do what it is I need to do. After all, as Nephi stated, "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

I'm so grateful for these experiences that I have had. There is so much learning to be done, so much progress to be made. Heavenly Father is simply preparing me to be the best missionary I can be. I have been incredibly blessed by the people who are in my life. Friends and family who support me. Sister missionaries who know exactly what it is like to be me right now, who give the most perfect advice, say the most perfect words, give the most perfect comfort, and bring me closer to my Savior. Every time I have a problem or a doubt, they're like, "Beth, what's going on?" And then they not only give advice and comfort, they have me turn to the scriptures. They use the Lord's words to help me, allowing the spirit to testify to me, making my resolve stronger and my knowledge surer.

Three months ago I was wondering if I should do a study abroad. Three months ago, my biggest worry was finding time for a social life. Three months ago, I thought I knew what I was supposed to do with my life. Three months later, my life plan has been put on hold for about 2 years. Three months later, I'm a much different person, with different worries and different cares -someone even said I was friendlier than I was before!

It's been an incredible three months. I can't wait to see where I will be 3 months from now! (Hopefully, I'll be in the MTC! But...we'll see...)