7 months ago, I was stressed. Not unhappy - I was finding happiness in life, and knew I was quite blessed - but I was completely focused on work, earning enough money for my education, rent, and food, and my grades. (Though it was summer at the time. I will still looking forward to how possibly stressful the next semester was going to be.) Ever since Sister Wise and Sister Vaughan had been here in Flag, I tried to remain active in helping the missionaries with lessons, when they needed it. Then, 7ish months ago, one Sister Ferrell arrived. She was a greenie. Fresh from the MTC. After the first few weeks, I noticed that she and Sister New were a fantastic companionship. Plus, she was absolutely hilarious. I found myself having to turn down several requests to sit in on lessons because of work - it was the summer, so I pretty much worked all the time. So, at times where I wasn't at work, but either feeling tired or lazy, I ended up guilt-tripping myself into sitting in on lessons when asked, even though I didn't want to. I never regretted it, though.
Eventually, I came to love those two sisters so much. They made me excited about missionary work again, something that has not always been constant in my time up here in Flagstaff. And Sister Ferrell would constantly say things to me that uplifted me.
Fast forward a few months. It's no longer July, but October. I'm assuming you all know the story, if you're reading my blog. I went up to Utah for Conference. I had been stressed for a whole month and a half from school. This weekend, I was still super busy, not only with traveling and conference attending, but also school assignments, like a mid-term for my online Criminology class. Miraculously, I was not stressed. Which was good. If I was stressed, things would have been a lot worse. Because that weekend, my world was rocked. It was changed. The age requirement for missionaries was dropped, as I'm sure you all know. And, instantaneously, my mind started working at a hundred miles a minute. And, I became very, very confused.
That next Monday, Sister New and Sister Ferrell happened to sit in with my home evening group. I was struck by inspiration, and decided I was going to talk to them about it. You know, Elder Nelson's talk, "Ask the Missionaries. They Can Help You!" So I did. And it was weird how perfect the things were that Sister Ferrell said. Not that it cleared things up. But, boy, did it make it easier for Heavenly Father to get through my thick head that I was supposed to go on a mission.
Fast-forward to December. I had the biggest breakdown of my life. I had several before this, Sister Ferrell being privy to them all. And, she would always be led by the spirit to say the most perfect things to calm me and to help me see straight. But this breakdown...it was a doozy. And, she wasn't with Sister New anymore, but with a new sister - a greenie - Sister Harrah. Poor girl. She probably was wondering why this nutcase was sitting in their office, crying hysterically. But. It was bad. And Sister Ferrell was perfect. She took me from the depths of...just...badness. Unhappiness, and confusion, doubts, frustration, a plethora of feelings and thoughts that led me to this unpleasant funk. I laid everything before her. Something I don't do very often. I tend to let certain people know bits and pieces. I said everything. Absolutely everything. And, by doing that, and by the spirit that accompanied her words...I was fixed. I was no longer broken. I felt a calm that I had been lacking, and I could think clearly.
This woman has been able to touch my heart in a way few others have. She is someone that I know, without a doubt, that the Lord sent into my life 7 months ago to help me get through life. Every bump and rough patch that I couldn't seem to fix on my own, she took my hand and led me through. And there have been a lot the past few months. And she has taught me SO much.
I am the person I am, right now, because of her. She's been an incredible strength to me. She would give little reminders through the things she would say and do, without even realizing it, and I slowly started changing my life for the better. My heart was touched, and was then softened through that touch. I feel the spirit more than I ever have before. I am happier (usually) because of her; through her example and passion for the Gospel alongside my already present testimony and love or the Gospel caused this big...I dunno, this big bubble of happiness to just EXPLODE inside of me, and I turned into this super happy person, excited about life and the church and being able to serve a mission.
By touching my heart, it was opened up to a great amount of love. Love is something I'm kinda...bad about. I mean, I love people, but I'm bad at expressing it (though I'm getting better at it). I couldn't...not express it with her. As I strove to express it to her, it merely expanded, so I would attempt again, but it would just grow. It's a vicious cycle that I have experienced before, but it was like 10 times the intensity with her. I don't know what it was, but not only was my heart opened up to her - and thus, everyone else around me - but it was like...split open and make bigger. Like the Grinch's heart! And since I felt so much love, I would just try to...put it on her. I would give her that love. (That's the best way that I describe it.)
And now...she's been transferred. Unexpectedly. Two weeks before I get my mission call. That's what stinks and hurts the worst about this. Because since she's been through so much of this with me, and since I don't have any family up here with me, I wanted her right there beside me as I opened my mission call. I felt that, since Heavenly Father placed her in my life at this very crucial time in my life, it was kind of natural, and that it was supposed to happen. It made sense to me. But, Heavenly Father has other plans. And the people in Farmington need her more than I do. I can't begrudge that. But...it makes my heart hurt. Because now I have all this love and I don't know where to put it - I mean, I'm still giving love to others, just like I was before. There was just a surplus there, for her, because of her, and it's still there. Just...she's not here. Letters and prayers can only go so far in regards to this. (Again, the best way for me to describe.)
In the end though, I will be eternally grateful for her entering into my life, and I know that this isn't out final goodbye. I fully intend to see her in 20ish months (hopefully; depends on when I leave on my mission) or as soon after those 20ish months after I get off my mission. I feel it's a necessary thing. And, if not, that's cool. There's an eternity for visiting. Not that I want to wait that long...but we'll be partying in the eternities regardless.
Anyways. The point of this post is twofold. One, because I need to word-vomit the feelings/thoughts inside of me right now. And since Sister Ferrell was the one I normally would do that when I was feeling extreme sadness or whatevs...my blog seemed like the best outlet. Two, because I have a desire for people to know just how incredible this woman is, and the effect she has made on my life. I am incredibly sad that she is gone - but I know she is where she is needed, so I know I'll get over it. I happy she's doing the Lord's work, as always. But I love her dearly. She is a fantastic person. And I can't wait for the day when I get to see her again and call her Sister Ferrell and then have her get mad at me for not calling her by her first name, since she won't be on her mission. It'll be fun. :)
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