Sometimes I like to pity myself.

It's true...I do. And it causes problems. You see, feeling bad for yourself just digs you in a deeper pit. I was sitting in my Women and Music class (I seriously already love this class, and I've only had it two days.) when I found out there were a few things I was supposed to have read and listened to, which I didn't. Probably because I was falling asleep when we were told to read/listen to stuff. So, I started to freak out a little bit on the inside. Then, building on that, I started thinking about all the reading and stuff that I still had to do, and was just assigned. I felt like I was falling behind, and it was only my second day of classes. (I don't have any classes Tuesday and Thursday, just work.)

So, when I was walking home, I started texting a couple friends about it. Because I wanted pity. Fortunately, I have amazing friends. The two friends that I decided to text did not give me any pity. I'm sure they felt bad that I was freaking out...but they didn't go "Oh, poor sweet baby!" on me. Which was good. I literally thought, as I was texting them, "This is silly. I'll be fine. I'm just freaking out. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I don't need to. I'll be fine." But, I ignored that thought. And texted them. And started feeling even worse. I was digging my pit.

In all honesty, I do have a tendency to stress over things. Yes, they are things that I should probably be worrying a bit about, but not to the extent that I do. So, I started stressing about school work...and then a whole bunch of other things started coming to mind. I really do have lotsa stuff to deal with right now...but it's no different than any other college kid.

So one friend, Erika, was just like, "Oh, you're doing fine! You don't need to stress! You'll adjust in a little while." And perky things like that. Helpful. But not what I wanted from her.

My other friend, McKenna, was a little bit less...perky...about it. I don't know what she was thinking, but it probably was something like, "Beth. You're being ridiculous. Suck it up." (But in nicer words.) Just completely no-nonsense with me. I really was freaking out by the time our conversation started going. I was way past my whole, I'm-being-silly thing and into a full-fledged I-want-pity-because-my-life-is-so-hard thing. Not a good attitude to have, and I feel utterly pathetic for feeling it, even for the half an hour to an hour that I did. So, she finally just told me to pray, because nothing is impossible with God. My reply was pathetic (but partially true.) I said that I have been praying, and I was still freaking out, so I felt like I was doing something wrong. (My problem was that I wasn't praying when I was freaking out. I was pitying myself instead.) Her response was...very brutal to my ego. I have a pretty big one, you see. I just try to hide it. She said, "Ya, you don't have enough faith. You just have to believe He will come through." I looked at that first sentence for about 10 seconds. And then just burst into tears. At first I was incredulous that she would even dare think that about me. But then, I realized, there was some truth to it. I didn't have enough faith to suck up my pity of myself to pray for His comfort and strength. And I felt...incredibly guilty. My scripture study lately, and in institute last night, there's been a lot of focus on relying on the Lord in your hard times, and having good prayers. So, I started praying with all my heart, asking for help, and for forgiveness of my pig-headedness. And, about 30 seconds later, I felt completely better. Seriously, night and day difference.

Moral of this story: I'm pathetic. Don't pity yourself. Go to the Lord immediately when things start getting tough. And, have good friends, who can guide you when you need it. I'm SO grateful to have friends who will say what I need to hear. This isn't the first time I've felt sorry for myself, wanted pity, and didn't get it. Every time that's happened, my friends have pointed me in the right direction, instead of giving outright pity. I just...need to ask for help. Help and pity are two different things. Definitely still learning that.

shtuff-ness

So. It's been two weeks since I posted last. I've been one busy soul. Work has slowly taken over my life. This week I worked many hours. wonderful for my paycheck, and I've very grateful for it. But I would go home from work completely exhausted. It was sooooooo busy. And then there were people who were working longer hours than me. I pretty much died just thinking about working that long. (By the way, I pretty much love my coworkers and my boss. They all are super cool.)

All my roommates are finally here! All five of us are together, now. It's been fun. I landed in a wonderful apartment. I am so lucky/blessed for that. It's just a reminder of how I really am meant to be here...otherwise I would not have been so lucky.

Oh! Oh! KATIE ALSTON FINALLY MOVED UP TO FLAGSTAFF!!!! I'm excited. Can't you tell? But, really. Pretty much the highlight of this week. It was absolutely wonderful to be able to jump right in and talk to her about things, and feel completely comfortable to do it. The only thing that was lacking was ice cream. But that's ok, because we were in a practice room in the music building, so we ended up doing some singing. Singing kinda has the same effect as ice cream in just about ever sense, at least for me. Except singing doesn't make you fat...It was great to be able to sing with someone again. I've missed it SO much. It's one of the reasons why I miss choir so much. (PS I totally made Women's Chorale. Woot! And I'm doing institute choir. Two choirs this semester! Happiness on a stick.) It was especially nice because we were in Chamber together, so it was sorta like old times...minus, you know, singing with everyone else.

So...life has been pretty busy. Hanging out with peeps. Work. Went on a date. Getting a wee bit homesick again, because it's been over a month (almost two) since I've been to Mesa and then Katie came up with her plethora of pictures, which brought of wave of nostalgia. School starts on Monday. (Finally.) It hit me yesterday that I was actually starting college. I mean, I've been living on my own for two and a half months. Why should college be so scary? But...I just started feeling so little again. Just about everyone I've been hanging out with is out of their teens. A few are still 19, and even fewer are 18. I'm just so...little! I feel like I've been playing dress-up or something by hanging out with all these big kids, who have so much more experience in, well, pretty much everything you can think of.

So. We'll see where these next few days take me. Hopefully I'll feel more grown up soon...but, on a more happy note, today is Sunday! And that means church! And this is the first Sunday that the YSA wards are separated, so this will be the first Sunday that the Flagstaff YSA 1st ward will meet together. I'm excited. And I just love feeling the spirit. I've been kinda lacking it lately, because I haven't been focusing on things like my scripture study and prayers...so I need a wee bit more of it. Yay for church!

Two months

Yesterday was August 13th. What's the significance of the this? Well, it marked the two month anniversary of me moving to Flagstaff. It's so crazy to think that I've been living up here for that long. I've been living on my own, paying my own bills, taking care of myself, being solely responsible for myself for two months. I've visited Mesa two times in these two months. (The same amount of times my sister Amy visited Mesa in her whole first semester, as she will often times bitterly remind me when I complain....) I've learned and progressed much these two months. But, at the same time I've done some regressing. I've yet to find the right balance of work, play, and spirituality. I've made many good friends. And in this few months time, I may have even made a few friends that will last, perhaps, into the eternities. I feel like I've strengthened friendships with those in Mesa, despite the fact that we no longer live in the same city. For two months, I have not received a cent of money from my parents. (Goldfish...yes. And perhaps a new belt because when I put on my old one, it was so torn up that it felt like I had no belt on.) My first paycheck up here allowed me to pay more tithing than I ever had at one time. I've come to the point where I'm excited to pay tithing, because it had been awhile since I could pay tithing. And because I feel like I need those blessings associated with tithing. I've paid for student fees and bought 4 out of my 5 textbooks,with all my own money. I've created a way to reward myself without stressing myself out with how much (or little...) money I have. I've started answering phones at work (one of the most intimidating things I've ever done in my life). I've taken care of some adult stuff all by myself...and have some other stuff I still need to do, because I keep forgetting about it.

Above all, I am happy up here. Yes, I get stressed (that's pretty much a given), homesick (usually when things like the first day of school happens for my friends, or my mom's birthday), and  I get into some blue funks. But, overall, I. Am. Happy. Which proves that I am doing what I'm supposed to, that I am where I'm supposed to be. To confirm this even more, I have been given a calling. Last week I was set apart as a relief society instructor. Intimidating...yes. Most definitely! But...I'm almost excited to start teaching. At least once I look past the fact that I'm one of the youngest people there.

Two months. I've been here for two months. I've been coping on my own for two months. It's been over a month since I've seen Mesa and all my peeps that reside there. Two months down...about 4 years to go...I've got this. The Lord is on my side. He will guide me as I work to become the person I am meant to be...and maybe I'll be able to give Satan a few kicks in the face in the process. Two months. I wonder what the next two months will bring me?

Friends

I've done a lot of...feeling the last few hours. So much feeling that I almost lost feeling for a little bit, if that makes sense. I went from an emotional high to apathy. I have...feeling back. It's much more mellow, but more...intense. If that makes sense. It's like...a dull, continuing pain, instead of a sharp, quick one. Except it's not bad.

Rewind. My senior year I learned the importance of having really good friends you can rely on. I had/have a tendency to try to keep things to myself and try to deal with them on my own.

Go forward. Just about two months ago, I moved to Flagstaff. I knew basically three people here. I left those good friends that I had made. It was hard. But, then I made new ones, who are equally as amazing as my Mesa peeps.

Now, the present. Ish. A friend called me tonight. I am super glad this person called me. It's been awhile since we've talked. But, it was a painful talk. This friend told me something that...I am extremely grateful to be told. Simply because it showed the closeness of our friendship. But it was something that hurt me more than it probably should have. Simply because emotions are a hard thing to control. (It wasn't anything awful. It's not like a crime or a major sin or anything, in case you're getting extremely curious. Just something that happened. So stop being curious.) So. I was hurt. But...I discovered something. I wasn't mad in any way. No bitterness. I almost wanted to be bitter. Instead there was only two feelings: love and hurt. It's a funny combination.

I wrote everything in my journal. I had to tell someone even if it wasn't a really person. And writing in my journal is very therapeutic. And I asked myself...why does love hurt?

I texted the question to another friend. Who I then ended up talking on the phone to. Love is an interesting thing. I was going to say funny...but then decided I didn't like that word to describe it. I think hurt is the only thing there's room for with love - the friend I called told me where there's love, God is also there. It got me thinking about Christ. And the Atonement. Throughout the process of the Atonement, Christ felt so much hurt.    Why? Because He loves us. I think that hurt, as long as there's no bitterness or anger, or things like that, is a sign of selflessness. Hurt combined with love. But only in that combination. Anyways. After talking to this friend for half an hour...I felt better. But probably because this was when I started feeling nothing.

Before I called my friend and after  I texted her (you got that?) another friend noticed  that I was upset. (I try to hide things like that. By checking the mail. And things like that.) So she tried to help. But I was being cryptic and so she did really the only thing she could do, and gave me a hug, and just let me know she was there for me. Have I ever mentioned how much I love hugs. I don't generally give them out, but I feel like a hug can be the most comforting thing when I'm upset. I feel like they are one of the best ways to show that you care, without words - because you all know how crappy I am with words, when I'm not writing. Which is also why I don't give them out that often. Because I'm crappy at expressing myself, even without words! And I want them to mean something when I give them.

So.The lessons that I learned this night. 1. It doesn't matter where I am, the Lord will place people in my path that will be able to lift me up. 2. Distance doesn't matter. Friends are friends, and true friends will always be there for you. And 3. Love will often hurt. But it's still worth it. Because if a friendship is destroyed after hurt...it wasn't a very strong friendship to begin with. It wasn't based on love, and therefore wasn't really much of a friendship.

I am so grateful for my friends, both in Mesa and in Flagstaff. And in other places. I have been incredibly blessed by the Lord with the people who have crossed my path - I'm grateful that I've been living my life in a way that had allowed me to cross paths with these people. Sometimes I feel like I don't tell my friends this enough...but I really do love them. I'm an awkward person, so I feel awkward telling them that. Heck, I've only recently started telling family that. It's something that I definitely need to work on, in spite of the awkwardness.

It's good to know that I have friends who will be there for me whenever I need them. And if for some reason they can't be, then Jesus Christ will always, always be there.

What about about your friends? Are they as awesome as mine? It'd be pretty tough.