Sometimes I like to pity myself.

It's true...I do. And it causes problems. You see, feeling bad for yourself just digs you in a deeper pit. I was sitting in my Women and Music class (I seriously already love this class, and I've only had it two days.) when I found out there were a few things I was supposed to have read and listened to, which I didn't. Probably because I was falling asleep when we were told to read/listen to stuff. So, I started to freak out a little bit on the inside. Then, building on that, I started thinking about all the reading and stuff that I still had to do, and was just assigned. I felt like I was falling behind, and it was only my second day of classes. (I don't have any classes Tuesday and Thursday, just work.)

So, when I was walking home, I started texting a couple friends about it. Because I wanted pity. Fortunately, I have amazing friends. The two friends that I decided to text did not give me any pity. I'm sure they felt bad that I was freaking out...but they didn't go "Oh, poor sweet baby!" on me. Which was good. I literally thought, as I was texting them, "This is silly. I'll be fine. I'm just freaking out. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I don't need to. I'll be fine." But, I ignored that thought. And texted them. And started feeling even worse. I was digging my pit.

In all honesty, I do have a tendency to stress over things. Yes, they are things that I should probably be worrying a bit about, but not to the extent that I do. So, I started stressing about school work...and then a whole bunch of other things started coming to mind. I really do have lotsa stuff to deal with right now...but it's no different than any other college kid.

So one friend, Erika, was just like, "Oh, you're doing fine! You don't need to stress! You'll adjust in a little while." And perky things like that. Helpful. But not what I wanted from her.

My other friend, McKenna, was a little bit less...perky...about it. I don't know what she was thinking, but it probably was something like, "Beth. You're being ridiculous. Suck it up." (But in nicer words.) Just completely no-nonsense with me. I really was freaking out by the time our conversation started going. I was way past my whole, I'm-being-silly thing and into a full-fledged I-want-pity-because-my-life-is-so-hard thing. Not a good attitude to have, and I feel utterly pathetic for feeling it, even for the half an hour to an hour that I did. So, she finally just told me to pray, because nothing is impossible with God. My reply was pathetic (but partially true.) I said that I have been praying, and I was still freaking out, so I felt like I was doing something wrong. (My problem was that I wasn't praying when I was freaking out. I was pitying myself instead.) Her response was...very brutal to my ego. I have a pretty big one, you see. I just try to hide it. She said, "Ya, you don't have enough faith. You just have to believe He will come through." I looked at that first sentence for about 10 seconds. And then just burst into tears. At first I was incredulous that she would even dare think that about me. But then, I realized, there was some truth to it. I didn't have enough faith to suck up my pity of myself to pray for His comfort and strength. And I felt...incredibly guilty. My scripture study lately, and in institute last night, there's been a lot of focus on relying on the Lord in your hard times, and having good prayers. So, I started praying with all my heart, asking for help, and for forgiveness of my pig-headedness. And, about 30 seconds later, I felt completely better. Seriously, night and day difference.

Moral of this story: I'm pathetic. Don't pity yourself. Go to the Lord immediately when things start getting tough. And, have good friends, who can guide you when you need it. I'm SO grateful to have friends who will say what I need to hear. This isn't the first time I've felt sorry for myself, wanted pity, and didn't get it. Every time that's happened, my friends have pointed me in the right direction, instead of giving outright pity. I just...need to ask for help. Help and pity are two different things. Definitely still learning that.