The bright light of hope.

Do you ever get just absolutely discouraged? You know, when things aren't going the way you think they should? That tends to happen to me when I feel like Heavenly Father should have things happen differently. This week I've had this experience. Apparently there is much I need to learn in regards to patience and trust in the Lord's time. And trust in the Lord's way.

I had some confusion about something, a choice that could, quite possibly, effect the date in which I would be available to go on a mission. In other words, it could make it possible for me to leave sooner than I desire. But...this confusion led to doubts. It led to many other feelings. Frustration. Discouragement. Stress. It led me to question many other decisions I've recently made. It's funny. Within the past two and a half months, I have made probably as many big decisions as I have in the rest of my 19 years. But, ultimately, it came to the point that the only decision I knew, absolutely knew, was the correct decision - the only decision I haven't questioned at all - was my decision to go on a mission.

And then, the reality of how easy it would be to just...enroll in classes again and just forget all about this mission stuff hit me. And it was a much strong temptation than I thought it would be. It would be SO easy. It would be a lot easier to go to school than to prepare for a mission. As hard and stressful as school is...it will be much easier than going on a mission; the dedication one must put forth on a mission is incredible. None of that time is yours - it's all the Lord's, and it should all be spent devoted to doing what can best serve others.

So, all this confusion and doubt was really bringing me down. So, what did I do? Well, I talked to the sister missionaries. I have this thing with letting people know about the not-happy-or-positive- thoughts and feelings that go on inside of me. I don't do it. I have a hard time with it. An entire lifetime of people being like, "Oh, Beth, these people look up to you, because of your strength, your faith, your example. You're just so great!" It makes me feel like a phony. It makes me feel like if I show any sign of weakness, I'm letting those people down. I know, it's irrational. It's silly. It's prideful. But I can't do it. Even with many of my closest friends, whom I trust SO much, I cannot share those things. Writing it on this blog? Well, it's slightly different. One, I'm pretty much over it. Two...I'm not actually telling anyone in specific. Three, I know only a handful of people actually read this and most of them are family, so, no big deal.

Anyways. I talked to the sister missionaries. More for comfort than for an actual answer to my confusion. And. Let me tell you. Sister Ferrell was very firm with me. She obviously was very loving. She gave advice - and some scriptures to read (go figure! A missionary through and through) - but,when it came right down to it, she was just like, "Beth. You know. You know what's right, you know the spirit and how to recognize it. Just have a little more faith a trust." Gentle and loving, but firm. I feel like if I ever came up to her and told her, for whatever reason, that I was leaving the church, she would spit fire at me and single-handily reconvert me. Quite frankly, I'd be terrified to tell her that.

It is the sisters like Sister Ferrell - and many, many of the other sisters I have come into contact with in the past year or so - who inspire me, who keep this fiery desire to go on a mission burning. And now, although I still really don't know how things are going to work out...I know they will! Because I have faith. And hope. And that awful confusion and discouragement that I was feeling is banished. I'm still a little anxious. But I know that it will work out. Because Heavenly Father wants me to go on a mission - because I want to go on a mission. He will make it possible. He will provide a way. Hope has brightened the way.

Joy to the World

We live in a broken world. A dark world full of evils and cruelties and sadness. It's days like today that I find it hard to see the good in the world. But...the thing is...there IS good. There is such wonderful, beautiful light. There is love. There is peace. There is good. There is hope. But, above all, there is joy.

Yesterday I helped the sister missionaries do a lesson. It was kind of a strange day for me, and I felt like I needed that boost of extra spirit and happiness in my day. I feel like I need it more today. But, what we did for the lesson was watch the video Joy to the World. It was one the church made a few years back. It show the nativity scene, along with scenes from Christ's life. Christmas songs are sung in the background by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. When Sister Ferrell asked me what I was thinking about, I answered with, "Joy."

Christ is joy. The song "Joy to the World" is about how Christ brought joy to this earth by being born. He is joy. No matter what goes on in life, He still wants us to find joy in Him. This is why He was born in a stable - a stable of all of places! And a stable back then was nothing more than a cave! He was born to a poor family, raised by lowly means. He suffered for us and died for us. He could have spent His entire life looking around and saying, "Look at the world. Look at the wickedness. Look at these sins you people are committing. I'm going to suffer for them!" He could have focused on that His entire life and had no joy, because He was looking towards the dark gloom. Instead, He uplifted. He loved with a love we cannot comprehend. He praised people for the good they did, for the repentance they went through. He found joy in the smallest of things. He, who had to suffer so much more than we ever will suffer. He was happy throughout His life. And it is important that we strive to do so also, that we strive to see the good and the light in people.


It's true, He was not always joyful. He took the time to weep with Mary and Martha. He grieved for sins. That's important. "Mourn with those who mourn" you know? But, do not get discouraged by the darkness that's out there. Because if you fail to look for those glimpses of light and love, you will be overwhelmed with darkness. Yes, it's ok to be sad. But do not lose hope and peace. Remember this wonderful, wonderful man:

 

He loves you and He did not suffer and die for naught. Remember Him and let peace fill your soul. Those innocent whose lives were lost this day are in a much happier place than this dreary world. Families can be together for ever, because of our Savior Jesus Christ. Find reason to rejoice on this day, at least one.

Merry Christmas, my friends. May this Christmas season bring your closer to the Savior, fill your hearts with ever increasing love, and bring peace to your heart and soul. Jesus Christ was born for me and for you. Joy to the world!

Live Like We're Dying

Sometimes I wonder how well we all listen to each other. I know I can do better. Sometimes at work, when someone walks in I say, "Hi, how can I help you?" and the response they give me is, "I'm good." and I'm like...cool...how can I help you? Granted, Hanna does say, "Hi, how are you?" when someone walks in. Probably because she's more polite and nicer than me. And partly because, if someone just lost their card, they tend to be in a cranky mood, and I don't feel like opening that can of worms. I'm not a therapist quite yet. Anyways. Maybe they respond with, "I'm good" because they've come in when Hanna is working as asks that. But, that still means they did not listen to the words I myself said when they walked in. And, it made me wonder, how often do we really, truly listen to what the people around us have to say. I mean, yes. There's those people who go on, and on, and on, and really have nothing of substance to say. But what if they DO have something to say that might inspire a thought in you? But you were so wrapped up in your own thoughts, your own problems, what you were going to say next, that you really didn't take the effort to listen to what they were saying.

This morning while I was straightening up my room a wee bit, I was listening to some music. Kris Allen's "Live Like We're Dying" song came on. And, I've done a blog post on this song before. Because the song always, always makes me think about what I'm doing, and the love I'm showing and expressing. And...how would I really live my life if I knew I was going to die the very next day?  Wouldn't you care about what the ones you love had to say to you? Wouldn't you want to know all about them, learn everything about them you didn't know before then? And, yes, you obviously would want to say much to them, so they know how much you care about them. But, I feel like if we knew we were going to die the very next day, we would do a lot of things a lot more...intently. With a lot more meaning behind them. With a lot more purpose. And, maybe, this is how we should live every day of our lives! We don't know when our lives will end. We don't know when the end will come, when the Second Coming will happen, when we may lose someone we love. So make every day count.

What would you do if you knew you were doing to die the next day? It's kind of a hard thing to think about - because we've never experienced it, so it's hard to say, "I would do THIS!" But...what I'd like to think I would do, if I had this knowledge, is make sure I let the people I know that I love them. Truly, and honestly love them. And try to make sure that they know that it's true. I probably would bear my testimony of the Church and of the Savior with those people, as well, because it is pretty much the most precious thing I have, and it is the most important knowledge that I have.

So much of our lives should be motivated by love - at least in my opinion. So, love should motivate us to listen a little better, speak a little more earnestly, think a little less about ourselves, and spend a little bit more time doing service, especially for the ones we love.

"How come we don't say I love you enough?"

It's the end of an era for one Beth Ann Root

For the past six and a half years of my life, I've been in choir - not all of them were good choirs, and a couple of my choir directors almost sucked the joy of singing out of me (which is why I have such a great appreciate for good directors) - but choir has become a HUGE part of my life.

Music is very important to me; I'm not very good as expressing what I'm thinking or feeling, so I use music to convey the feelings inside of me.  Lately, music has taken a back seat - life is crazy! I'm a stressed college student, trying to do all my school work, work, fulfill church callings and obligations, trying (sort of) to have a social life, and sleep enough so I'm not a big crankypants.  My piano skills have been sorely neglected and my guitar has been sitting in a corner, gathering dust.  Choir has been keeping me sane; keeping me involved in music; keeping that love of music alive inside of me.

It was such a blessing, the day I decided to take choir instead of doing sports, like I had wanted to do for the first 15 years of my life. (When I was 8, it was my dream to become the first woman in Major League Baseball. Don't you dare laugh. If I had been on a team and had been trained, I would have been a stinkin' good player!) Do you know how different of a person I would have been without music? I would probably be a much angrier person; music has softened me, has made me into a gentler person. I would probably be even worse than I already am at expressing myself.  Essentially, that fated day, when I made that decision, has forever changed my life. I call Divine Intervention on that one.

Today was my last day of choir for 2 years. And, maybe, my last day of choir for much, much longer than that. Except for institute choir. But, truthfully, that's not real...choir-y. This thought...has saddened me greatly.  It was probably one of the saddest moments of my life. Honestly. Even though I have been neglecting music more than I should, even though I'm not the most musically talented, even though I don't know as much about music as a lot of other people, it is still very important to me - it's the feeling that music invokes, and the power it has to touch the hearts of people.

Music is a blessing. It's a gift from God. God loves music. He loves it when a person sings, even if they are not the best singer, and He especially loves it when we sing to glorify Him, to proclaim our testimony and love for Him. Choir has been such an important part of my life. It's what made my senior year of high school. My sophomore year of high school in choir made me remember why choir was so amazing, why I loved it so much. And last night, the last performance of Holiday Dinner (as much as I complained about it, every time I started singing, all my worries and complaints went away, as I was enveloped in the music) reminded me of why I sing! It reminded me of the power one has with music - which is why one must only listen to and participate in good, wholesome music. Last night, as we finished up our performance, I was thinking about how I wouldn't be taking choir for a couple of years. And I was just like, "Huh. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted." This morning, sitting in choir for the last time this semester, I was holding back tears the entire class period. Because I looked around at all the girls, and realized that I loved them so much. Even the ones that I'm pretty sure I've never spoken a word to.  There's just a bond that is formed when you sing with someone. And the thought of not coming back, and not singing with them, not sharing those special moments with them. And, simply not being in a choir. It was a hard thing for me.

To close, I want to share this song that, several years ago, touched my heart. And expresses, quite well, my feelings towards music. It kinda became known as my song my senior year. It truly is fantastic. And, when I heard it, and truly listened to it for the first time, it changed the way I saw music.

Let music never die in me! Forever let my spirit sing! Let music live!

I Know This Man

Today has been a fantastic Sunday. Full of the Spirit. Full of experiences that have brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and to Jesus Christ. This evening we had a fireside on the Atonement. Needless to say...the spirit touched me deeply - those who saw me there would know it was true by the amount of tears I shed - and my love and appreciation for my Savior increased. There truly are no words I have to express the feelings I have for Him.

After the fireside, I decided I'd take the time to read the copy of Jesus the Christ I have - I don't have much time to read it right now. I'm waiting for the craziness of this semester to be over before I really dig in - and because some stuff was going on in the apartment, I stuck some headphones in my hears and started listening to Rob Gardner's Lamb of God while reading. That is like the ultimate experience, let me tell you. And, then, as I finished up the chapter I was reading, the song "I Cannot Watch Them" came on. Here, Peter denies Christ the three times, and then he realizes what he's done, and as he flees, he says, "What have I done?...I know this man!" Because of my experiences this day, I was struck by this song. I cannot forget what He did for me. Yet, I wonder how many times I deny Him. Do I ever turn my back on Him?

I cannot do this. I cannot afford it. How can I turn my back on the man who suffered for me, who makes it possible for me to repent, to have eternal happiness, and to transcend the temptations Satan puts before me. I cannot bear - I cannot afford - to let people degrade Him, dishonor Him, to bring Him down, to hurt Him! To this, I sing alongside Peter in this song, "I will not watch them crucify my Lord. For I know this man! I know Him! I know this man!"

Instead, I must dedicate my life to Him, just as Peter, just as Alma the elder and Alma the younger, just as Paul, just as any prophet, disciple, or follower of Christ whose life was changed by Him and His love. I must teach others of Him, bring others closer to Him, love as He did.

I know this man:

I know that this man lives. He lived, He died, and lives again, for me! For my benefit! To help me. And for the whole world. There is no person who I love more - though I know I need to do so much more to express that love. And there is no other person who I want to be like. 

And, in case this isn't long enough...here's something that expresses a little bit how I feel about Him, and my hopes of what I become in life.

His Eyes

I look at my hands,
I look at the scars.
I look at the feet
That have carried me far.

I look at my face
With both beauties and flaws
Then I look at my eyes
But there I must pause.

So there I do look,
And hope that I see
A deep, shining light
That has often led me.

I see this great light
In leaders, friends, kids.
I look in my eyes
And hope it's not hid.

This wonderful light,
It's the light of Christ.
It's the light of the man
Who paid a great price.

One gloomy, dark night,
This wonderful man
Carried a great burden
That no other man can.

The very next morn
After the burden so great,
He died on a cross
To help our own fate.

I live my life so,
Maybe someday,
Words of gratitude, praise,
Words of love I can say.

I want to be worth
To tell Him these words.
So, in this long journey,
The light, I'll go towards.

So on that great day
When, face to face, we'll meet,
I'll fall on my knees,
With joy, Him I'll greet.

I'll look at His hands,
I'll look at the scars.
I'll look at the feet
That have helped me go far.

I'll look at His face
With just beauty, no flaws.
Then I'll look in His eyes,
And there, I will pause.

And I hope, will all hope
He will look back at me
And say, "Little sister,
I see me in thee."

I know I will weep,
And I hope He will say,
"Little sister, well done.
You've returned home today."

Beth has been keeping a secret...would you like to know it?

Well, it's not exactly a secret...I mean I haven't gone around telling people it, and if people ask me straight up about it, sometimes I'll tell them and sometimes I'll beat around the bush. You see...this subject if very near and dear to my heart. It is the subject of missionary work. From about age 4, I was determined to go on a mission. It was my greatest goal in life. My primary teacher, Sis. Scott, said she was leaving to go on a mission. Being 4 years old and only seeing boys leave, I was thoroughly confused.  I mean, only boys were allowed to go, right? She explained to me that girls could go too, at age 21, if they wanted to. From that moment, I knew I was going to go. I remember, even at age 8, someone asked me if I wanted to go on a mission (I don't remember why they asked me, but I remember this instance) and I responded with a resounding, "Yes!" They looked a little shocked. And probably didn't believe 8 year old me.

So, I went through the next 10 years of my life, intending to go on a mission - that is, if I didn't get married first. I wouldn't complain if that happened. But then, I hit college. And I feel so at home. I mean, yes, there's stress and problems, and, hey, life is hard. But, it was great! Flagstaff was (is) fantastic. I felt so comfortable. Psychology is my calling in life. Heavenly Father told me multiple times last year that psychology is definitely what I'm meant to be studying and ultimately what I'm supposed to do with my life. So...going on a mission didn't make sense. It didn't fit. Although I still knew it'd be awesome to go...I lost a great part of that desire to go. It kinda got pushed into the very corners of my mind.

Then, about February-ish, the sister missionaries that were in Flagstaff with the YSA were Sis. Wise and Sis. Vaughan.  It was when they were here that I started getting involved with missionary work up here. I would go to lessons and stuff. And, after I would do things with them, I felt that desire stir inside of me. But then, a few days later - maybe even a couple hours later - I'd get sucked back into collegeland and psychology everything, and that desire got smothered and pushed back.

Months go by and then it's October. General Conference. I go up to Utah with my roommate, Kathleen. We didn't have tickets, but we stood in the stand-by lines with hopes of getting into the conference center. And we got there extremely early. While we were waiting in line, a sister missionary walks up to us - from Hong Kong, China, of all places - and starts talking to us. After talking with Kathleen about some stuff, she turns to me, and, in a not quite logical change of subject, she asks, "So, have you ever thought about serving a mission?" I was taken aback. I responded, "Well, yeah. Ever since I was really little, I've always wanted to go. But since coming to college, I've wondered if maybe serving a mission isn't right for me." And then the conversation moved on. But, before she walked away, she turned towards me and said, "Be sure you think about a mission today in conference." And...and hour or two later, sitting in the tabernacle, (Not the conference center. I know. Sad.) I hear President Monson announce the lowering of the age requirements to 19 for girls.

My mind was reeling. I don't think I've ever had so many thoughts at once; I don't think my brain has ever thought so quickly in my life. Within like 2 minutes, I had figured out what I might have to give up to go, my possible options, the things I would need to do, the money I would have to spend, pretty much everything. And then for the entire session, I was thinking, "What the crap?! I can go on a mission. Am I supposed to go on a mission? It doesn't make sense logically. Holy crap I can go on a mission!! I think I want to. Am I supposed to? My mom is going to freak. Oh my crap, oh my crap, oh my crap!! Am I supposed to go? What does Heavenly Father want me to do. I'M SO CONFUSED!!"

And that pretty much was what on my mind for a few days. I thought I got my answer on Monday, but then I started over-analyzing everything and I freaked. But, then Tuesday, I took the time to sit down, calm myself, and read the Father's blessing that was given to me at the beginning of the semester and my Patriarchal Blessing. And then...I picked up my phone and set up an appointment with the Bishop for that night and then Skyped with my mother. You guys...I'm going on a mission!!

I know there's a bajillion of people going. There are tons of people who have made this same exact statement. That's part of the reason why I've kinda been keeping this quiet. Because I didn't want it to seem like I was jumping on the bandwagon; I didn't want people to disregard what a special revelation this was to me; I didn't want my announcement to take away the sacredness and specialness of others' announcement. This process of trying to discover what the Lord wants me to do has been an incredible one. I grew so close to Heavenly Father, because I was striving so hard to align my will with His. And it's still a process. There's still a lot I need to figure out, there's still a lot I need to go to Him about. And, He keeps sending me reminders that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

This week, I had kinda been losing that...that fire. I got distracted once again. But then, Sis. Wise, called me and I talked with her for a little while about mission stuff. And, it couldn't have been more timely. Because I have that fire again - that excitement, that drive, that intense desire.

It's really hard to focus on school; I just want to focus on preparing to serve. And, I honestly have no clue when I'm going to be able to go; I kinda have like...no money. So, what I'm doing is not doing school next semester and working full time. In truth, that was a really hard choice to make, but once the spirit was like, "Beth, this is the best option for you," I dropped all plans I had concerning classes for next semester. I still plan on staying in Flagstaff. I feel like I need to stay here to do the growing that I need to do.

So yeah. That's my secret. I want to go so bad that it hurts. I don't want to wait. But, at the same time, I'm freaked about going. I'm willing to dedicate those 18 months to the Lord - I can't wait to show that devotion to Him! - but it's going to be so different and so hard. So, so, so hard. But, I'm going.

If you happen to talk to me about it, and I don't seem too enthusiastic to talk about it, don't get offended. It's just, this is very special stuff to me; sometimes I just don't want to talk about it.

But, you know what the best part of all this is? Preparing to be able to go here:

The temple is the place to be. And I. Can't. Wait. To. Go. No words. No words to express how incredibly excited I am to know that I will be able to participate in sacred ordinances that I thought I would have to wait...years to participate in. You guys. I'm going to be going to the temple!! With in a year! AAHHHHH!! 

The church is true. I know it is. I'm willing to put everything on hold for 2 years so I can earn the money to go, and then go. And, there is one thing that I hold more dear than my knowledge that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true, and that is my knowledge of the Savior. One day, relatively soon, I will be able to devote every waking hour to preaching of Christ and bringing others closer to Him. That is the greatest thing ever, because He is the Light. The Way. The only to true and everlasting happiness. 

So. That's it. I am preparing to serve a full time mission, to serve my Heavenly Father, bringing His children, my brothers and sisters into His fold. And I can't wait!!

The Randomness of Beth

Sometimes I feel like doing a blogpost. And sometimes I have nothing to do a blogpost about, so I just decide to spout randomness that's in my head.

Pizza. I. Love. Pizza. Seriously, I want to eat it all the time. And now, it's like this thing with the sister missionaries up here. When there's a transfer and new one comes, she already knows I have this great love for pizza. It's been passed on to sister missionary to sister missionary for the past 6 months. Kinda weird, actually.

I have this thing with names. If I know a super awesome person, I tend to start liking their name a lot (which, I think it pretty normal) but then if there's different spellings, in my mind, I start playing favorites with the names. Not with the actually people. Just their names. Like Sarah and Sara. For whatever reason, I love the name Sarah with the "h" but without it...it bothers me! I can't tell you why, but I just think all Sarah's should have an "h" at the end of their name. And, my dislike for the why the name is spelled has nothing to do with how I feel about the person. Which, if you are aware of my obsession with Sara Barielles, you would understand this. Because, obviously, I have no problem with her, despite the fact that she is missing an "h." Same thing with Hannah and Hanna. Except, for whatever reason, I like Hanna better, without the "h." If I name one of my daughters Hanna, it will not have an "h." Same with Ann and Anne. Ann without the "e" is better (though I guess I may think that because that's how my middle name is spelled). Random Beth fact.

Psychology is freaking awesome. I'm enjoying my Neuroscience class, even though it's online. My online criminology class? Makes me want to punch things. I thought criminology was going to be awesome. Now whenever I think about doing my criminology assignments I cry a little bit on the inside. But psychology. Psychology is fantastic. There are very few things I would give up, stop, or pause my education in psychology for. In fact...I can only think of two things.

Ever since Saturday morning, when President Monson dropped that bombshell that girls can go on missions at age 19, I've been wondering what the heck I'm supposed to do with my life. As I've striven to align my will with God's and to figure out His plan for me and what He needs me to do, I have felt myself grow closer to Him. My relationship with Him has grown so much stronger than it ever has before. The spirit has been more present in my life than it has for a very long time, and it feels good to be doing what He wants me to do.

Flagstaff. I love this place. So much. The weather. The scenery. The people - especially the people! The people I'm surrounded by are a constant reminder of Heavenly Father's love for me, because they help me and strengthen me so much. They uplift me and bring me closer to Heavenly Father. They make me smile and laugh, which is pretty much always needed in life. Plus it's like the best stress reliever in the world. They remind me of the things I need to be doing. They help to gently - and sometimes not so gently. I need harshness and bluntness sometimes -  mold me into the person I am supposed to become.

The Gosepl of Jesus Christ. His restored church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Truthfully...I love nothing more on this Earth than His Gospel and His church. Not pizza, not the color purple, not psychology, not Sara Barielles, not Flagstaff, not even my fantastic friends and family. I would give everything, everything up for this Gospel, if it was asked of me. It's something that I normally would hesitate to say, except, a little over a week ago, I contemplated the possibility of having to leave everything behind in order to serve the Lord and spead His message of love to my brothers and sisters around the world. And, I would do it. Whether or not I actually go, I am willing. I would do it, because I love Jesus Christ. I love Him, so very much. There are no words that can describe and express the love I have for Him. I know this Gospel is true. I know it, I feel it in my very...my very being, my very soul. Every particle of my body, my heart, my mind, my spirit, it yells out, that this church is true! Sometimes I get distracted. Sometimes I let other things become momentarily more important, like my friends and my social life, my education, my music. But, right now, when I'm so close to the spirit, I cannot deny it, and I cannot put anything else first.

Well...this turned out to be completely different than I had planned. But, really. I just want to talk about the Gospel all the time. I want to just tell people about Jesus Christ and all He has done for me and how much I love Him, and how much He loves them. I've turned into this big Gospel nerd. I mean, I already was one, but that's because I'm simply a nerd, but now that's like all I want to talk about and I want to relate everything to the Gospel. Because it's awesome.

So, yeah. Life is awesome. As is the Gospel. I love my friends and my family. They are a wonderful support to me, and I appreciate all the love and support I can feel them giving me. The end.