Gratitude

Thanksgiving. The holiday that often gets overshadowed by the commercialized and materialized Christmas. It makes me sad. Thanksgiving is the best prelude to Christmas - when Christmas is seen as more than just a way to make money or get gifts. This month, I've been taking the time to think of the things I'm thankful for. I thought I'd share some.

*I'm grateful for the opportunity to get an education - the education I want, the way I want.
*I'm grateful that I had a scholarship, that pays for my tuition.
*I'm grateful for a job, so I can pay for all my other expenses.
*I'm grateful for a boss at said job who is understanding, caring, and makes sure I am fed and healthy.
*I'm grateful for my roommates, each and every one of them. They bless me in different ways.
*I'm grateful that my sister Amy and her husband Stephen are up at Flagstaff also, so I have some family near me.
*I'm grateful Amy is pregnant. There will be one niece/nephew who will grow up, at least for a little while, knowing me while I'm going to school.
*I'm grateful for being so sure in where I'm supposed to go in the future - education- and occupation-wise.
* I'm grateful Katie Alston is up at Flagstaff. Seriously. No words. The only close friend who came up, and we've only become closer.
*I'm grateful for good food.
*I'm grateful for pizza. It sounds silly, but it's always a treat when I get to eat it, and it's the one food I never, ever tire of.
*I'm grateful for roommates who make food and then let me eat it. (I instantly love you if you make me food. No beating around the bush on that one.)
*I'm grateful for warmth - such as awesome jackets, beanies, scarves, gloves, and Billy the heater.
* I'm grateful for good health. Having the energy to accomplish the things you need to do is such  a blessing. I'm only realized this now, as my body has been doing some funky things.
*I'm grateful for music and it's wonderful power and influence in my life.
*I'm grateful for Sara Barielles, Ingrid Michaelson, Mika, Regina Spektor, and Adele. They help cheer me up, help me focus, and help give me energy. They've spurred many a writing assignment along.

These are the most important things. Yes. More important than pizza.

*I'm grateful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The hope it instills in me. The light it brings into my life. I know my life would be much darker. I would not be as happy, nor as kind without it in my life. I would be an extremely angry, sullen, withdrawn, harder, and miserable person without it. This I know.

*I'm grateful for my knowledge and testimony of the Gospel. Because I know, I dare not deny, are try so hard not to falter.

*I'm grateful for the scriptures. Many a time prayers have been answered, comfort has been given, revelation received.

*I'm grateful for the Spirit - for above reasons.

*I'm grateful for psychology. Silly...maybe. But I feel such joy when I learn more. And it gives me the ability to help people in a way that others may not be able to. It gives me the chance to make the difference in the world - which is, after all, my ultimate goal in life.

*I'm grateful for my family. So incredibly grateful. Even though when we get together, it's so chaotic that I begin to shut down, it brings me great joy to see everyone together. They are such a support to me. I treasure sweet mispronunciations of my name, such as "Bep" and silly statements like, "you have shorter hair than I remember." (By the way...Jakob...that's called a haircut! haha)

*I'm grateful for my friends. They help keep me out of the darkness. I doubt that they truly know the difference they have made and continue to make in my life. I don't know if they understand how much I treasure their friendship. It's something I have a hard time expressing. (heck, I have a hard time expressing anything!)

*I'm grateful for the Lord's presence in my life. For His foresight in the people He places in my life. They are so amazing! He knows what He's doing. Whenever I have a struggle, need to be reminded of something, or need another example of Christlike attributes or need someone else in my life with Christ's countenance ever present in their own, He sends someone my way.

*I'm grateful that I'm living my life the way I am that have allowed me to cross paths with these people. If I was not down the right path, then it would not have crossed the paths of others down their right path.

*Above all, I'm grateful for Christ. He is my Brother. My Best Friend. My Savior, Redeemer, my Rock, my everything. I would be nothing without Him. It is with His help I can become the person I want to be. Because of Him and His atonement, I have the courage to not be self-degrading - and yes, that does take courage. I know that I cannot achieve perfection in this life, but that's why He did what He did. So I can repent, and then, in the next life, I will be able to become perfected.

I love times like this when I reflect on what I'm thankful for. I'm grateful for gratitude! It is only when you are grateful that you truly begin to realize just how blessed you are. You'll see blessings you've never considered as blessings. You'll see God's hands in your life in ways you never considered. Tender mercies will seem to pop up everywhere! Don't forget to express gratitude to those around you and to the Lord. It's never time wasted, so take time to do it. You'll be amazed what you'll see.

Weekend happenings

I suppose I could tell you all that went on during the week before the weekend...but all it was was school. And work. And Harry Potter. Then came Thursday night. On to Mesa! How to tell I'm ready for this semester to be over: it gets harder and harder to leave Mesa. Before, I would be so ready to get out of Mesa. I missed it, but knew my place was in Flagstaff. Now, I know my place is in Flag...but I'm tired of the responsibility that ties me there. I need a good solid break. Then I'll be craving responsibility. (I know. A crazy thing to crave. But it happens.)

I saw lots of friends this weekend. Even if I didn't get to have in-depth conversations with them, it feels so good just to SEE them, to BE there with them. I don't think they understand the good it does me to see their happy face, and to see that they did actually miss me, even if it was just a little bit.

Possibly the highlight of this weekend was getting to sing with all of Chamber again. It felt good. I mean, I love to sing, but our bond first began with music. And each time we sing, our bond grows stronger. It's hard to say if we will ever sing all together again in this life time. Which is a little bit depressing to think about, but it was a wonderful thing. Johnathan is leaving for his mission in less than a week. We sang at his farewell. While it's crazy to think that I won't see him for two years (not that I've seen a whole lot of him in the past 5 months - that's right FIVE MONTHS I've been living in Flag.) but I'm incredibly excited for him. He will be such an amazing missionary. He will change the world. Bradley got his mission call. He's leaving in March. That is also crazy to think about, but he also will make an amazing missionary. There's not a doubt in my mind about those two boys leaving, making an impact on the natives they teach, and then coming back as men, ready to change the lives of the people around them.

Lots of other things happened this weekend. I saw family. Other friends (it's incredible how many of them were at Johnathan's farewell). For the first time I struggled to go back home - because as much as I love Mesa, it is only my second home. Flagstaff is my first home, as of right now. After spending time with Chamber and renewing that bond we have, it was like moving to Flagstaff all over again. So many conflicting emotions. But, Chamber is a family and we will be reunited again. And again. And again.  We will be together again. Because families are forever.

In other news...the holidays are upon us. This means it's time for Josh Groban Christmas music and enjoying Bing Crosby's smooth, jazzy voice while watching White Christmas. This means that the world turns to a time of reflection, of love, giving, and gratitude. We all think a little bit less about ourselves and try a little more to do good. The world turns towards Christ and we see the best of people - along with the worst in certain people, but the good usually outweighs the bad. It means family comes around, and I get to spend lots of time in Mesa, hopefully with lots of family AND friends. It means Thanksgiving sometimes gets overlooked, but those who celebrate Christmas in the right ways can celebrate both simultaneously. Thanksgiving is the greatest prelude to Christmas - after all, one of the greatest gifts we've been given is Christ. The holidays are here. Be prepared for chaos. But also prepare yourself so that you can experience the peace alongside the chaos.

I made a new friend...named snow

So, yesterday morning, I wake up and my roommate says something about there being snow outside. I shoot up out of bed, look out the window, and do a nice little there's-snow-on-the-ground happy dance. You see, I've lived in Mesa all my life. My family never did a whole lot of traveling. Especially during the winter. The traveling we did do was during the summer. So...this was my first experience with snow on the ground. Seeing things like this:

Pretty much insanity. I saw it in real life. Not in a movie, not in a picture, but I was actually outside in it. It really is a beautiful thing, snow. Once you get past the coldness of it. You may think I'm crazy but for someone who has never seen it or been in it before...it truly has great beauty. I marvel at the things the Lord creates.

So, anyways, after I had my nice freak out and happy dance, I texted my friends Katie Alston and Hannah Russell to play in the snow with me. I threw my first snowball, I made my first snow angel, I attempted to make my first snowman (both attempts failed rather miserably. Oh well, there's going to be more snow soon!) and  I just had fun running around in it.

Ah, yes. My first picture in the snow. Good thing Katie always has her camera. Otherwise this exciting event would have gone undocumented! 

Sometimes it's fun to throw snowballs at people's windows. Not that I would know. And not that that's what we were doing when this was taken. Nope, not at all!

See! me and snow are best friends now!

Haha, I did have fun yesterday. Although it was quite cold. My feet aren't used to being frozen solid. And rain boots, although they are quite effective at keeping your feet dry, even in the snow, don't do much for keeping your feel warm. Oh well. I'm hoping I won't get sick of it too quickly. Maybe I won't get sick of it at all, despite what everybody keeps telling me. Who knows. I guess we'll just have to see!

Happiness is...

I love the song from Peanuts, Happiness. Some of the things mentioned are very childish...but I think that's only the simplicity of it. And simple things should make you happy.

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
TELLING THE TIME.HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.

HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.
SHARING A SANDWICH.
GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

These lyrics are in a different order than what I'm used to...apparently the animated video is different than the actual musical. But. I love them. I've always loved the last verse best. But, I feel that, as I've spent more time here in Flagstaff for college, I've learned to appreciate the simple things. So, I find the rest of this song very appropriate. Except maybe the first verse...I've been tying my shoes for awhile now...but I DO enjoy pizza. Always.

Happiness is being able to sing.
Happiness is being able to sit and read my scriptures and feel the Spirit.
Happiness is sending someone a simple text and having them tell you that it made their day.
Happiness is receiving revelation.
Happiness is getting a random hug. (By random I don't mean from a random person. That probably wouldn't be happiness.)
Happiness is not having to go to my least favorite class.
Happiness is being surrounded by wonderful people.
Happiness is (are?) friends who know how to make me smile.
Happiness is friends who make me laugh SO much.
Happiness is friends who give me support when I need it.
Happiness is friends who I can tell certain things that very few people know about.
Happiness is trying to be better.
Happiness is Mika (whom I am listening to currently.)
Happiness is Amy being pregnant. :)
Happiness is being an aunt.
Happiness is going to Mesa Veteran's Day weekend and then Thanksgiving, and then winter break.
Happiness is the holidays.
Happiness is seeing the hand of Christ in my life - through the blessings I receive and through the actions of my friends.
Happiness is talking to old friends and making new friends.
Happiness is pizza.
Happiness is free food.
Happiness is spending time with my friends who have become my family while I am separated from my real family (other than Amy, Stephen, and baby in process).
Happiness is seeing all these things in my life that make me happy.

I do get in my funks. My random cranky, grumpy moods where I secretly want to yell at people or punch a wall (these usually happen when I'm hungry or tired. Or both.) But, I am ultimately happy. There was a short period of time a little while ago where I pretty much smiled/laughed when around certain people. But those experiences always are proceeded by the happiest times of my life. It makes me appreciate being happy; smile more, because I know smiles are precious; try to be more grateful, because I come to recognize the people who care about me and try to help me. And, now...I am happy. Happiness is my life, despite the trials, my funks, the stress, and lack of pizza in it at the moment. (I really like pizza. And am now craving it.)

So, do me a favor. Smile, kay? It releases endorphins. And will likely make someone's day. If you're having trouble being happy, make a list of happiness. Or let people you can trust know, and I can guarantee they will do whatever is to help put a smile on your face. This I know from experience - on both sides. 

Just a little randomness

I think I've shared this poem here before...but I want to do it again. You see, most times I feel very self-conscious about sharing my poems. I'm a little bit afraid of them getting torn apart by poetry fanatics who read/write much better stuff than what I write. I'm also a little bit afraid of people not understanding what I'm trying to get across. You see, I'm a very emotional person. Sometimes (most times) I have no clue how to express that emotion. So, sometimes, I resort to writing. And sometimes that writing comes in the form a poem. So, by sharing a poem I have written, I'm sharing a little piece of me. But...this particular poem, I am very, very proud of. It's either my favorite or second favorite that I've written. Like, legitimately. Which says a lot, because usually I'm too indecisive to pick a favorite anything. (Except singer, color, and food. If you don't know those are, then you really don't know me...honestly! haha) So. Anyway. This poem.

Out of the Darkness

I look out into the darkness,
The deep, dark Night.
I see nothing,
Save rare glimpses
Of Light.

Despair fills my heart,
For my eyes see nothing
But the deep, dark Night.

My eyes close tight,
Hoping that when they open,
There'll be no more Night.
But, no, the dark
Still overwhelms.

Fear grips my being,
Fear of the unknown
As strange, eerie sounds
Penetrate the Night and
Come to my ears.

There terror nearly masters me,
Till I see another small Light,
And I'm reminded of
The Dawn.

Hope overtakes the
Fear, despair, and terror,
Every bad thought and feeling
Banished.

For the Dawn breaks
Every morn.
The Sun will come.

Though clouds shroud the sky,
And also my heart,
The Sun will always come.
Maybe not in the open, or
Clearly seen,
But always there.

The Sun waits to
Shine through the darkness.

There can be no darkness
Without the Light.
There can be no morning
Without the Night.

The terror is gone,
The hope growing strong,
And my eyes are now
Towards the sky,
Searching for the coming
Sun.

My favorite part: "There can be no darkness/Without the Light./there can be no morning/Without the Night."

There must be opposition in all things. Something I am constantly reminded of. I think the Lord knows that I would forget way too easily if I He didn't send me reminders all the time. And I know, no matter the trial, there will be an end. There is hope. And the light will be even brighter than it was before. I will appreciate it more.

Yes. Despite all Satan is doing, he's just making us stronger, once we finish a struggle with him. Funny, yet awesome how that works. Our greatest enemy, who is trying his hardest to bring us down and make life miserable, is actually creating the potential for us to become stronger, rise up higher, and be the happiest you could ever become. It's like a double whammy to him. You kick him in the face, and then get stronger.

One last thing. I am happy. Just thought I'd share that. :)

Just a little testament

So. Just a tiny little story to share. This paycheck was a little bit smaller than normal. I missed a day of work because of vertigo. (Dang dizzy spells run in the family. Still not completely sure why I've been getting them recently.) So, I was freaking out just a little bit on the inside because rent is due soon/I owe Katie some money that I keep forgetting about. But, then I was doing some financial stuff like balancing my checkbook and such. (It makes me feel like an adult. A little adult because I really have no clue what I'm doing.) And I noticed I had more money in my checking account than I should. About $100 more. Then, I realized that my refund for my housing fee from my enrollment deposit (I get it back since I don't live on campus) went straight into my checking account. Happy day! It was...perfect timing. Really. I'm very grateful. I'm certain this is a blessing come from paying tithing, fast offerings, and from improving on some things that I was slacking on before. Yes, I would have eventually gotten the money. But it came at a wonderful time. A time where I was beginning to stress out. I'm so grateful to the Lord for this blessing - and many other blessings He has sent my way recently. And I'm grateful that I was able to recognize it as a blessing so I could send my thanks to Him. It's just...happiness right now. :)

Mesa-town

This weekend, I spent some much needed time in Mesa. Half of the time, I did absolutely nothing (which actually means watching TV and attempting to do homework. So it was mostly watching TV. Which I haven't done in forever.) The other half, I spent with family and friends. But mostly family. I'm not going to lie...this was kind of a selfish trip. I saw people that I felt I absolutely needed to see for my sanity. I do wish I had seen more, because I could always do with more sanity...haha but it was nice to see the people that I did. Saturday morning was filled with family. My parents actually were out of town for their anniversary...but my brothers came over to try to help fix something that's going on with the water pipes or something...I don't live there anymore. I don't know what's going on. But, because of that, I go to see my sis-in-law Leigh and her 3 boys. They are crazy boys. They sometimes like to scream and throw fits. But their laughter, sweet hugs, and hilarious antics make it worth it. Usually.

Then, that afternoon/eveningish, I went and played racquetball with McKenna, Bradley, and Alex.  It was SO weird to be on Mesa High campus again. Plus there's a whole new building.  It kinda tripped me out to actually see it completed.  Also. Racquetball makes me happy. It was pretty much the best thing ever playing with people I love so much. Besides, I think everyone looks silly at one point when they play, so it makes for laughter - you're getting a work out from running around, plus you're laughing. Best workout EVER! I really should make more time for it. It probably would relieve SO much stress and tension from my body. Maybe not from my mind, but, hey, I'd take a cluttered mind and a relaxed back over a tense back and a still cluttered mind. Because I don't think my mind will ever become uncluttered, until I die and have no worries.

Sunday, I went to Derek Partridge's farewell. And saw SO many people there. People that I didn't expect to see, but was extremely glad that I did see. Then, I saw my new and adorable niece Abby. I usually get to see my nieces and nephews in the hospital shortly after their born...waiting two weeks before I got to see her was killer. After I visited Lisa and Abby, I decided to go to the last hour of my home ward. But, instead of going to Relief Society like a good little 18 year old, I snuck into Young Women. Yes, sometimes I do miss those little girlies. And, I pretty much think those leaders are some of the most amazing women in the world. After church, I sat and had a good talk with Sis. Ramos, the Young Women president. She's pretty much my hero. Actually, I think that talk with her was the reason why I went down to Mesa. I really needed to hear some of the things she said to me. Because. I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be in this life. And I can't beat myself up for not achieving that perfection. Yes, I can always do better. This life is about progression, but when I mess up, I just need to accept it, try and fix, and if it truly bothers me, take it to Christ because He knows how to help best.

I'm just...really happy right now. Definitely an improvement to past weeks. It's not like life is perfect. Because it's not. Yet, I can still choose happiness. If it becomes something difficult to choose, then it's time to put my trust in the Lord and He'll help me out, whether it's through words spoken by a friend, a kind act of service someone performs for me, or a song played that speaks to me. Life is great. Sometimes I just need reminders and need to count my blessings - I have lots of them!

I'm grateful for the chance I had to go to Mesa this weekend. I did have a good week, but this weekend was the frosting on the cake. It was exactly what I needed. I think it will hold me off until next month. I get to go down TWO times. One for Veteran's Day weekend, and then Thanksgiving. Happiness.