Merry Christmas. :)

I had about a bajillion ideas rolling around in my head for what I wanted to do on my blog for Christmas. But I can't do a bajillion things. Oh well. I'll deal with it.

 I have a great love for these three people. Jesus: well, obviously. My Savior. My Redeemer. My Best Friend. Born in a lowly stable. (AKA a cave full of dirty animals. Stables weren't so nice back then.) The greatest man to ever have walked the Earth born amongst animals. And then Mary. Oh, Mary. I can't wait for the day I can meet her. And thank her. You know, she was like...14. 14 and gave birth to the Savior of the world. How pure she must have been! How precious and virtuous. I also think of the strife she must have gone through. Not only the knowledge she did she give birth and raise our Savior, but she watched Him suffer and die. I have such respect for her. And I want to thank her. And give her a big hug. Christmas would not have been the same without her faith and courage. And then Joseph. His faith also astounds me. Despite all trepidation or worries he might have had, he helped raise and teach Jesus.

It was the shepherds, the humblest of people, who first saw Jesus. Angels appeared to them, and sang of Jesus' birth. (I secretly hope I was in that choir.) What that must have been like! And it just shows, it is those who are humble who will be invited to be in the Savior's presence. 

The wise men. Who traveled days, months, years! To find Jesus. To give Him gifts. The wise men help remind me what Christmas is about - not receiving, but giving. And it reminds me to give to Christ. What is my gift to Christ? I never know what I have to give, if anything I have is of worth to Him. But, I can serve, and I can love. We all have something we can bring to Christ.

One of my favorite Christmas songs is "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" - originally a poem by Longfellow.

"I heard the bells on Christmas day

Their old familiar carols play

And wild and sweet the words repeat

Of peace on Earth, good will to men.

"And in despair I bow my head

'There is no piece on Earth,' I said.

'For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on Earth, good will to men.'

"Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

'God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on Earth, good will to men!'"

There is a story behind this poem. Why Longfellow wrote it. I suggest you look it up. But, one of the reasons why I love this so much, is because it mentions what almost everyone goes through: doubt; fear; getting caught up in the darkness of the world. But Christ breaks through all of that. With Him, there is hope. Doubt and fear are shattered, and light shines through. Because Christ is hope. That is why He was born, even in a lowly stable-cave. So that there would be hope, even in this dark and depressing world we live in.

Don't forget what Christmas is all about. Give a little more. Love a little stronger. Shine a little brighter. And have a very Merry Christmas!

Before I die...

Just came across a page on Stumbleupon that was this "Before I die" project. On a wall, people wrote what they wanted to do before they died. It made me think: What do I want to do before I die? Some were maybe more...materialistic or frivolous. Others were meaningful and heart warming.

So...what do I want to do?

*Write a song
*Learn at least one more instrument
*Get a Masters
*Meet the Prophet
*Play "All of Me" by John Schmidt, and have it actually sound like it.
*Get married in the temple to a man I love with all my heart
*Become a mom - a GOOD mom.
*Have the courage to see myself as I truly am, both flaws and strengths, and not be afraid of myself.
*Become a psychologist and help children through their problems
*Make a difference in the world
*Live in a way so that Christ is seen in my face and my eyes.

So. What do these goals mean? what are their significance. Do they uplift? Do they have the potential to make  us - well, me - a better person? What do you want to do before you die?

The sweet taste of freedom

This is how I feel right now. For reals. I have turned in my final assignment. I have taken my last final. I am now officially done with my first semester of college. I have somehow managed to survive. And it is such a wonderful feeling! I'm so glad it's over. I seriously am in the need of a hardcore break. I may sound like a baby, but this semester took a lot out of me. And I'm seriously considering my sanity in taking 7 more semesters, plus grad school for a Masters. And possibly a Doctorate.

Within these few days, I've had so many tender mercies from the Lord. For example: my computer likes to delete parts of files. This makes for an angry/frustrated/ready-to-breakdown Beth when she is trying to get an assignment done, and she opens up a file, expecting there to be just as much as when I last saved, instead of having it half gone. It happened last night. I finished it, which frustration. I left all my programs open, and put my computer on hibernate, because then they stay up. I turned my computer on this morning. They were closed. With that file over half gone, and another file completely empty. No words to describe the bajillion feelings rolling around in me. Then, a wonderful soul, Cory, comes over and somehow retrieves the files. Joy! Bliss! Sweet relief!

Another tender mercy: having a fabulous visiting teacher, Christine Posvistak. Seriously. She visit taught me Monday. After giving the lesson, we just talked for about half an hour. For those of you who know me well (is there anyone who reads this who doesn't know me well...?) know that often times I'm not much of a talker - but I can be if you, one find me in the right mood and two somehow spark something that gets me talking. You just have to somehow get me talking, and then it can be kinda hard to get me to stop...sometimes...Anyways. It was a nice break. and it was uplifting. Something needed with all the stress of finals and nonsense like that. Then, last night when the whole file partially disappearing happened I was not happy. When I'm not happy, I try to think of happy thoughts - which is often difficult for me to do on my own. Literally the only thing I could think of was being visit taught, so I sent her a text thanking her for it, and then she called me to see how I was doing. I was feeling happier and less stressed when she called, but it still made me happy. It just brightened my night to know that she cared. She's only the best visiting teacher ever. Yeah. Be jealous.

Also. Holly Dixon. I always ask her for happy thoughts when I'm too low to think of my own. Joshua Giraffe by Raffi - go look it up. Right now. So. Random. And hilarious. Holly almost always puts a smile on my face when I need it most. She helped turn my night around.

Life is great right now. I'm happy. I'm free! no worries for about threeish weeks! I leave for Mesa tomorrow. I'll get to spend my whole winter break chilling with my family and friends. I'm so relieved to be done! I have survived my first semester of college. I have survived my first 6 months living on my own, living on my own paycheck, going out of my comfort zone a bit, living with girls I had never met before (I have this fear of people thinking I'm crazy, obnoxious, annoying, and a punk. So living with people I've never met before was super intimidating for me.) This semester has proven to me that I, indeed, can do hard things. And now I have the chance to relax. I'm going to read like a fool. So. Many. Books. I've been going through withdrawal.

I am happy. The end. :)

The importance of good friends

Yeah...so it's been awhile. It's called college likes to take over my life. But, today is a Sunday, and I try not to do homework/study on Sunday. And, I figure with finals and final projects being due that I'm not done with yet, I can use all the blessings I can get!  So I have time to do a blogpost! I won't bore you the details of what my life has been like. Because, really. It's boring. Class. Homework. Work. Sleep. Eat. Wanting to sleep, but going to class. Sleeping instead of going to class. (Only like...twice this semester. Promise, Mom...) But, I do have something to share.

In sacrament meeting today, we sang hymn #293, "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good." I've heard it before, but I think that was the first time that I've actually sung it. Or at least paid attention to the words.  It got me thinking about the importance of friends - which is something I think about a lot. Because I have awesome friends, who have gotten me through a lot. So, during the Sacrament, I opened my scriptures to the Topical Guide and looked under friends/friendship.  I came across Proverbs 27:17, which intrigued me, so I actually turned to it.  It says:

"Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend."


The Spirit spoke to me after pondering this scripture. We are meant to be striving to become like Christ - to live in a way that allows His image to be shown in our countenances (Alma 5:14).  According to this scripture, like things sharpen each other - like iron sharpening iron.  It says that a man will "sharpen" his friend's countenance. I took this to mean that our friends will help us show Christ's image in our countenance.  I believe this with all my heart. I have made many friends whom I can see Christ shining through their faces.  As I have grown closer/do grow closer to these friends, I, myself, am changing. I am impressed by their example and try to follow it. Friends are meant to draw us closer to Christ - that's why we are supposed to surround ourselves with good friends, friends who will uplift you and inspire you to be a better person. When you do this, and you follow their example and become closer to Christ and more like Him, you become that friend who brings others closer to Christ.

I have so many friends who do this for me. I'm astounded by their strength, their love, their testimony, their closeness to Christ. I have tried to express my gratitude for my friends. But, I don't think I will ever be able to express enough gratitude for them. I'm SO blessed to have them in my life. I've let some of them know that I see Christ in their eyes, but there are some I haven't told. They have strengthened me, and brought me closer to my Savior. I sincerely hope that I have been able to be that sort of friend to others.

Seeking out good friends is incredibly important. I'm glad that I've gone down the path I have been, so that I've had the opportunity to come in contact with these incredible people.

Gratitude

Thanksgiving. The holiday that often gets overshadowed by the commercialized and materialized Christmas. It makes me sad. Thanksgiving is the best prelude to Christmas - when Christmas is seen as more than just a way to make money or get gifts. This month, I've been taking the time to think of the things I'm thankful for. I thought I'd share some.

*I'm grateful for the opportunity to get an education - the education I want, the way I want.
*I'm grateful that I had a scholarship, that pays for my tuition.
*I'm grateful for a job, so I can pay for all my other expenses.
*I'm grateful for a boss at said job who is understanding, caring, and makes sure I am fed and healthy.
*I'm grateful for my roommates, each and every one of them. They bless me in different ways.
*I'm grateful that my sister Amy and her husband Stephen are up at Flagstaff also, so I have some family near me.
*I'm grateful Amy is pregnant. There will be one niece/nephew who will grow up, at least for a little while, knowing me while I'm going to school.
*I'm grateful for being so sure in where I'm supposed to go in the future - education- and occupation-wise.
* I'm grateful Katie Alston is up at Flagstaff. Seriously. No words. The only close friend who came up, and we've only become closer.
*I'm grateful for good food.
*I'm grateful for pizza. It sounds silly, but it's always a treat when I get to eat it, and it's the one food I never, ever tire of.
*I'm grateful for roommates who make food and then let me eat it. (I instantly love you if you make me food. No beating around the bush on that one.)
*I'm grateful for warmth - such as awesome jackets, beanies, scarves, gloves, and Billy the heater.
* I'm grateful for good health. Having the energy to accomplish the things you need to do is such  a blessing. I'm only realized this now, as my body has been doing some funky things.
*I'm grateful for music and it's wonderful power and influence in my life.
*I'm grateful for Sara Barielles, Ingrid Michaelson, Mika, Regina Spektor, and Adele. They help cheer me up, help me focus, and help give me energy. They've spurred many a writing assignment along.

These are the most important things. Yes. More important than pizza.

*I'm grateful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The hope it instills in me. The light it brings into my life. I know my life would be much darker. I would not be as happy, nor as kind without it in my life. I would be an extremely angry, sullen, withdrawn, harder, and miserable person without it. This I know.

*I'm grateful for my knowledge and testimony of the Gospel. Because I know, I dare not deny, are try so hard not to falter.

*I'm grateful for the scriptures. Many a time prayers have been answered, comfort has been given, revelation received.

*I'm grateful for the Spirit - for above reasons.

*I'm grateful for psychology. Silly...maybe. But I feel such joy when I learn more. And it gives me the ability to help people in a way that others may not be able to. It gives me the chance to make the difference in the world - which is, after all, my ultimate goal in life.

*I'm grateful for my family. So incredibly grateful. Even though when we get together, it's so chaotic that I begin to shut down, it brings me great joy to see everyone together. They are such a support to me. I treasure sweet mispronunciations of my name, such as "Bep" and silly statements like, "you have shorter hair than I remember." (By the way...Jakob...that's called a haircut! haha)

*I'm grateful for my friends. They help keep me out of the darkness. I doubt that they truly know the difference they have made and continue to make in my life. I don't know if they understand how much I treasure their friendship. It's something I have a hard time expressing. (heck, I have a hard time expressing anything!)

*I'm grateful for the Lord's presence in my life. For His foresight in the people He places in my life. They are so amazing! He knows what He's doing. Whenever I have a struggle, need to be reminded of something, or need another example of Christlike attributes or need someone else in my life with Christ's countenance ever present in their own, He sends someone my way.

*I'm grateful that I'm living my life the way I am that have allowed me to cross paths with these people. If I was not down the right path, then it would not have crossed the paths of others down their right path.

*Above all, I'm grateful for Christ. He is my Brother. My Best Friend. My Savior, Redeemer, my Rock, my everything. I would be nothing without Him. It is with His help I can become the person I want to be. Because of Him and His atonement, I have the courage to not be self-degrading - and yes, that does take courage. I know that I cannot achieve perfection in this life, but that's why He did what He did. So I can repent, and then, in the next life, I will be able to become perfected.

I love times like this when I reflect on what I'm thankful for. I'm grateful for gratitude! It is only when you are grateful that you truly begin to realize just how blessed you are. You'll see blessings you've never considered as blessings. You'll see God's hands in your life in ways you never considered. Tender mercies will seem to pop up everywhere! Don't forget to express gratitude to those around you and to the Lord. It's never time wasted, so take time to do it. You'll be amazed what you'll see.

Weekend happenings

I suppose I could tell you all that went on during the week before the weekend...but all it was was school. And work. And Harry Potter. Then came Thursday night. On to Mesa! How to tell I'm ready for this semester to be over: it gets harder and harder to leave Mesa. Before, I would be so ready to get out of Mesa. I missed it, but knew my place was in Flagstaff. Now, I know my place is in Flag...but I'm tired of the responsibility that ties me there. I need a good solid break. Then I'll be craving responsibility. (I know. A crazy thing to crave. But it happens.)

I saw lots of friends this weekend. Even if I didn't get to have in-depth conversations with them, it feels so good just to SEE them, to BE there with them. I don't think they understand the good it does me to see their happy face, and to see that they did actually miss me, even if it was just a little bit.

Possibly the highlight of this weekend was getting to sing with all of Chamber again. It felt good. I mean, I love to sing, but our bond first began with music. And each time we sing, our bond grows stronger. It's hard to say if we will ever sing all together again in this life time. Which is a little bit depressing to think about, but it was a wonderful thing. Johnathan is leaving for his mission in less than a week. We sang at his farewell. While it's crazy to think that I won't see him for two years (not that I've seen a whole lot of him in the past 5 months - that's right FIVE MONTHS I've been living in Flag.) but I'm incredibly excited for him. He will be such an amazing missionary. He will change the world. Bradley got his mission call. He's leaving in March. That is also crazy to think about, but he also will make an amazing missionary. There's not a doubt in my mind about those two boys leaving, making an impact on the natives they teach, and then coming back as men, ready to change the lives of the people around them.

Lots of other things happened this weekend. I saw family. Other friends (it's incredible how many of them were at Johnathan's farewell). For the first time I struggled to go back home - because as much as I love Mesa, it is only my second home. Flagstaff is my first home, as of right now. After spending time with Chamber and renewing that bond we have, it was like moving to Flagstaff all over again. So many conflicting emotions. But, Chamber is a family and we will be reunited again. And again. And again.  We will be together again. Because families are forever.

In other news...the holidays are upon us. This means it's time for Josh Groban Christmas music and enjoying Bing Crosby's smooth, jazzy voice while watching White Christmas. This means that the world turns to a time of reflection, of love, giving, and gratitude. We all think a little bit less about ourselves and try a little more to do good. The world turns towards Christ and we see the best of people - along with the worst in certain people, but the good usually outweighs the bad. It means family comes around, and I get to spend lots of time in Mesa, hopefully with lots of family AND friends. It means Thanksgiving sometimes gets overlooked, but those who celebrate Christmas in the right ways can celebrate both simultaneously. Thanksgiving is the greatest prelude to Christmas - after all, one of the greatest gifts we've been given is Christ. The holidays are here. Be prepared for chaos. But also prepare yourself so that you can experience the peace alongside the chaos.

I made a new friend...named snow

So, yesterday morning, I wake up and my roommate says something about there being snow outside. I shoot up out of bed, look out the window, and do a nice little there's-snow-on-the-ground happy dance. You see, I've lived in Mesa all my life. My family never did a whole lot of traveling. Especially during the winter. The traveling we did do was during the summer. So...this was my first experience with snow on the ground. Seeing things like this:

Pretty much insanity. I saw it in real life. Not in a movie, not in a picture, but I was actually outside in it. It really is a beautiful thing, snow. Once you get past the coldness of it. You may think I'm crazy but for someone who has never seen it or been in it before...it truly has great beauty. I marvel at the things the Lord creates.

So, anyways, after I had my nice freak out and happy dance, I texted my friends Katie Alston and Hannah Russell to play in the snow with me. I threw my first snowball, I made my first snow angel, I attempted to make my first snowman (both attempts failed rather miserably. Oh well, there's going to be more snow soon!) and  I just had fun running around in it.

Ah, yes. My first picture in the snow. Good thing Katie always has her camera. Otherwise this exciting event would have gone undocumented! 

Sometimes it's fun to throw snowballs at people's windows. Not that I would know. And not that that's what we were doing when this was taken. Nope, not at all!

See! me and snow are best friends now!

Haha, I did have fun yesterday. Although it was quite cold. My feet aren't used to being frozen solid. And rain boots, although they are quite effective at keeping your feet dry, even in the snow, don't do much for keeping your feel warm. Oh well. I'm hoping I won't get sick of it too quickly. Maybe I won't get sick of it at all, despite what everybody keeps telling me. Who knows. I guess we'll just have to see!

Happiness is...

I love the song from Peanuts, Happiness. Some of the things mentioned are very childish...but I think that's only the simplicity of it. And simple things should make you happy.

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
TELLING THE TIME.HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.

HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.
SHARING A SANDWICH.
GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

These lyrics are in a different order than what I'm used to...apparently the animated video is different than the actual musical. But. I love them. I've always loved the last verse best. But, I feel that, as I've spent more time here in Flagstaff for college, I've learned to appreciate the simple things. So, I find the rest of this song very appropriate. Except maybe the first verse...I've been tying my shoes for awhile now...but I DO enjoy pizza. Always.

Happiness is being able to sing.
Happiness is being able to sit and read my scriptures and feel the Spirit.
Happiness is sending someone a simple text and having them tell you that it made their day.
Happiness is receiving revelation.
Happiness is getting a random hug. (By random I don't mean from a random person. That probably wouldn't be happiness.)
Happiness is not having to go to my least favorite class.
Happiness is being surrounded by wonderful people.
Happiness is (are?) friends who know how to make me smile.
Happiness is friends who make me laugh SO much.
Happiness is friends who give me support when I need it.
Happiness is friends who I can tell certain things that very few people know about.
Happiness is trying to be better.
Happiness is Mika (whom I am listening to currently.)
Happiness is Amy being pregnant. :)
Happiness is being an aunt.
Happiness is going to Mesa Veteran's Day weekend and then Thanksgiving, and then winter break.
Happiness is the holidays.
Happiness is seeing the hand of Christ in my life - through the blessings I receive and through the actions of my friends.
Happiness is talking to old friends and making new friends.
Happiness is pizza.
Happiness is free food.
Happiness is spending time with my friends who have become my family while I am separated from my real family (other than Amy, Stephen, and baby in process).
Happiness is seeing all these things in my life that make me happy.

I do get in my funks. My random cranky, grumpy moods where I secretly want to yell at people or punch a wall (these usually happen when I'm hungry or tired. Or both.) But, I am ultimately happy. There was a short period of time a little while ago where I pretty much smiled/laughed when around certain people. But those experiences always are proceeded by the happiest times of my life. It makes me appreciate being happy; smile more, because I know smiles are precious; try to be more grateful, because I come to recognize the people who care about me and try to help me. And, now...I am happy. Happiness is my life, despite the trials, my funks, the stress, and lack of pizza in it at the moment. (I really like pizza. And am now craving it.)

So, do me a favor. Smile, kay? It releases endorphins. And will likely make someone's day. If you're having trouble being happy, make a list of happiness. Or let people you can trust know, and I can guarantee they will do whatever is to help put a smile on your face. This I know from experience - on both sides. 

Just a little randomness

I think I've shared this poem here before...but I want to do it again. You see, most times I feel very self-conscious about sharing my poems. I'm a little bit afraid of them getting torn apart by poetry fanatics who read/write much better stuff than what I write. I'm also a little bit afraid of people not understanding what I'm trying to get across. You see, I'm a very emotional person. Sometimes (most times) I have no clue how to express that emotion. So, sometimes, I resort to writing. And sometimes that writing comes in the form a poem. So, by sharing a poem I have written, I'm sharing a little piece of me. But...this particular poem, I am very, very proud of. It's either my favorite or second favorite that I've written. Like, legitimately. Which says a lot, because usually I'm too indecisive to pick a favorite anything. (Except singer, color, and food. If you don't know those are, then you really don't know me...honestly! haha) So. Anyway. This poem.

Out of the Darkness

I look out into the darkness,
The deep, dark Night.
I see nothing,
Save rare glimpses
Of Light.

Despair fills my heart,
For my eyes see nothing
But the deep, dark Night.

My eyes close tight,
Hoping that when they open,
There'll be no more Night.
But, no, the dark
Still overwhelms.

Fear grips my being,
Fear of the unknown
As strange, eerie sounds
Penetrate the Night and
Come to my ears.

There terror nearly masters me,
Till I see another small Light,
And I'm reminded of
The Dawn.

Hope overtakes the
Fear, despair, and terror,
Every bad thought and feeling
Banished.

For the Dawn breaks
Every morn.
The Sun will come.

Though clouds shroud the sky,
And also my heart,
The Sun will always come.
Maybe not in the open, or
Clearly seen,
But always there.

The Sun waits to
Shine through the darkness.

There can be no darkness
Without the Light.
There can be no morning
Without the Night.

The terror is gone,
The hope growing strong,
And my eyes are now
Towards the sky,
Searching for the coming
Sun.

My favorite part: "There can be no darkness/Without the Light./there can be no morning/Without the Night."

There must be opposition in all things. Something I am constantly reminded of. I think the Lord knows that I would forget way too easily if I He didn't send me reminders all the time. And I know, no matter the trial, there will be an end. There is hope. And the light will be even brighter than it was before. I will appreciate it more.

Yes. Despite all Satan is doing, he's just making us stronger, once we finish a struggle with him. Funny, yet awesome how that works. Our greatest enemy, who is trying his hardest to bring us down and make life miserable, is actually creating the potential for us to become stronger, rise up higher, and be the happiest you could ever become. It's like a double whammy to him. You kick him in the face, and then get stronger.

One last thing. I am happy. Just thought I'd share that. :)

Just a little testament

So. Just a tiny little story to share. This paycheck was a little bit smaller than normal. I missed a day of work because of vertigo. (Dang dizzy spells run in the family. Still not completely sure why I've been getting them recently.) So, I was freaking out just a little bit on the inside because rent is due soon/I owe Katie some money that I keep forgetting about. But, then I was doing some financial stuff like balancing my checkbook and such. (It makes me feel like an adult. A little adult because I really have no clue what I'm doing.) And I noticed I had more money in my checking account than I should. About $100 more. Then, I realized that my refund for my housing fee from my enrollment deposit (I get it back since I don't live on campus) went straight into my checking account. Happy day! It was...perfect timing. Really. I'm very grateful. I'm certain this is a blessing come from paying tithing, fast offerings, and from improving on some things that I was slacking on before. Yes, I would have eventually gotten the money. But it came at a wonderful time. A time where I was beginning to stress out. I'm so grateful to the Lord for this blessing - and many other blessings He has sent my way recently. And I'm grateful that I was able to recognize it as a blessing so I could send my thanks to Him. It's just...happiness right now. :)

Mesa-town

This weekend, I spent some much needed time in Mesa. Half of the time, I did absolutely nothing (which actually means watching TV and attempting to do homework. So it was mostly watching TV. Which I haven't done in forever.) The other half, I spent with family and friends. But mostly family. I'm not going to lie...this was kind of a selfish trip. I saw people that I felt I absolutely needed to see for my sanity. I do wish I had seen more, because I could always do with more sanity...haha but it was nice to see the people that I did. Saturday morning was filled with family. My parents actually were out of town for their anniversary...but my brothers came over to try to help fix something that's going on with the water pipes or something...I don't live there anymore. I don't know what's going on. But, because of that, I go to see my sis-in-law Leigh and her 3 boys. They are crazy boys. They sometimes like to scream and throw fits. But their laughter, sweet hugs, and hilarious antics make it worth it. Usually.

Then, that afternoon/eveningish, I went and played racquetball with McKenna, Bradley, and Alex.  It was SO weird to be on Mesa High campus again. Plus there's a whole new building.  It kinda tripped me out to actually see it completed.  Also. Racquetball makes me happy. It was pretty much the best thing ever playing with people I love so much. Besides, I think everyone looks silly at one point when they play, so it makes for laughter - you're getting a work out from running around, plus you're laughing. Best workout EVER! I really should make more time for it. It probably would relieve SO much stress and tension from my body. Maybe not from my mind, but, hey, I'd take a cluttered mind and a relaxed back over a tense back and a still cluttered mind. Because I don't think my mind will ever become uncluttered, until I die and have no worries.

Sunday, I went to Derek Partridge's farewell. And saw SO many people there. People that I didn't expect to see, but was extremely glad that I did see. Then, I saw my new and adorable niece Abby. I usually get to see my nieces and nephews in the hospital shortly after their born...waiting two weeks before I got to see her was killer. After I visited Lisa and Abby, I decided to go to the last hour of my home ward. But, instead of going to Relief Society like a good little 18 year old, I snuck into Young Women. Yes, sometimes I do miss those little girlies. And, I pretty much think those leaders are some of the most amazing women in the world. After church, I sat and had a good talk with Sis. Ramos, the Young Women president. She's pretty much my hero. Actually, I think that talk with her was the reason why I went down to Mesa. I really needed to hear some of the things she said to me. Because. I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be in this life. And I can't beat myself up for not achieving that perfection. Yes, I can always do better. This life is about progression, but when I mess up, I just need to accept it, try and fix, and if it truly bothers me, take it to Christ because He knows how to help best.

I'm just...really happy right now. Definitely an improvement to past weeks. It's not like life is perfect. Because it's not. Yet, I can still choose happiness. If it becomes something difficult to choose, then it's time to put my trust in the Lord and He'll help me out, whether it's through words spoken by a friend, a kind act of service someone performs for me, or a song played that speaks to me. Life is great. Sometimes I just need reminders and need to count my blessings - I have lots of them!

I'm grateful for the chance I had to go to Mesa this weekend. I did have a good week, but this weekend was the frosting on the cake. It was exactly what I needed. I think it will hold me off until next month. I get to go down TWO times. One for Veteran's Day weekend, and then Thanksgiving. Happiness.

Life-ness

So I thought it might be about time to do another post. Unfortunately, I have no clue what to actually post about. Life is pretty much the same. I'm doing a lot better than what I was before. I feel like I'm getting a handle on things again. Hopefully it stays that way. Not that I'm not stressed about school anymore. It's pretty much eating up all of my time. I seriously can't wait for winter break. I'll probably be in Mesa for the majority of it. Though I may get sick of Mesa before I come back to Flag...but we'll see. (P.S. It's totally been Mesa winter weather the past week or so. Minus the snow. Because it doesn't snow in Mesa. It's been making me want to sing Christmas songs.) Speaking of Mesa, I'm going to be making a visit this weekend. I'll be super busy and I don't know how much time I'll actually have to see people...but it'll be nice. And warm. I'll be able to sleep in shorts again! haha

Let's see, what else do I have to say? Today we're getting our visiting teaching assignments. We haven't gotten them yet because of the constant change of war membership. But, I'm so excited for it! That pretty much was the sole reason why I was excited to be going from Young Women to Relief Society. It's weird, because it's just more responsibility and more work and more time, but...it's all for the love for people. This is just being someone's friend - someone they can go to and can help them. It's the whole "mourning with those who mourn" thing. Lifting another's burden. A huge part of being Christian and being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Oh! I know. I experienced my first snow last week. Pretty sure all my friends thought I was nuts because I went all crazy excited about it. It wasn't hardcore snow, though. Didn't stick. But it was exciting. And, no need to worry for me. I have pretty much the most epic snow jacket ever. I'm going to be the warmest person in Flagstaff, no doubt about that.

Yeah, well, I don't have much else to say. My life is kinda dull at this point. I have all A's so far (Woot!) which pretty much makes all the stress and freak out worth it. Sorry this wasn't the most thrilling of posts. Maybe after this weekend I'll have something fun to talk about. We'll see.

Love my friends!

I know I talk about my friends on here a lot. But that's simply because I have no clue where I would be without the special friends I have in my life. As I've mentioned previously, I've been having a hard time recently. And it's not exactly getting better. A lot of it is an attitude thing that I'm working on improving. A lot of it is simply me not having a clue of what I'm doing. But there is one thing (well, one of a few. the one that I'm talking about right now) that makes it all better, in the end: my friends.

I'm so blessed by the friends I have in my life, here in Flagstaff and down in Mesa. I would be...utterly lost right now without them. When I'm feeling really down, one of them will say something or send me a text that puts a smile on my face that I actually feel  - not a fake one that I put on so people don't know how bad I feel. There's a select few who I will let know when I'm having a really bad time. Sometimes it's to ask for help, or simply to vent, in a one line phrase, just how frustrated I'm getting with everything. But, they always can help me in some way.

Today, Katie Wilson, one of my roommates, had an orchestra concert. I had been trying to get her sister - one of my best friends - Kristina to come up to watch it. She would never really give me a straight answer whether or not she was coming, until yesterday, when I was having a really bad day, when she finally told me she was coming up. (Apparently she had been planning it for awhile but wanted to surprise me) So today, I pretty much was super excited and was getting antsy to see her. So, finally, Kristina walks in the door, and I freak out and get all happy. Then she looks back at the door, so I turn around, and lo and behold, there's Holly Dixon! Totally unexpected! Seeing the two of them pretty much made the month of October for me. And it's just barely begun!

The reason why I'm sharing this is...because it basically was the best thing ever. I don't know how today would have been for me without them here. It was a tender mercy of the Lord. I laughed SO much. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. And I was really smiling. This is what my friends are to me. They make things better when I feel lost, or confused, or unhappy.

I love my friends. A lot. It always is wonderful to have reminders of just how lucky I am because of my friends. I am filled with gratitude to the Lord for Him guiding me down my path so that I have met and made these incredible friends. I am...eternally grateful to them. And I hope I can someday show them my gratitude and appreciation for all that they've done for me.

Family

Something that was mentioned in church yesterday - I think it was Relief Society - got me thinking about family.

My actual family is...amazing. We all suck at communicating, so often times we don't know what's going on in each others' lives. Or, we think good communication is when we get together and poke fun at one another. In fact, the family member that I'm closest to other than Amy and Stephen is my sister in law, Leigh. I'm not even related to her by blood! But, that's how it goes. Not being in close proximity to them, besides Amy and Stephen (I'm SO grateful they are up here!) has made me appreciate each of them more than I did before. I miss them lots.

But...my family is so much more than the people that I'm actually related to. I have two choir families from Mesa High - A Cappella and Chamber. I miss those people so, so, so, so, so incredibly much. (Side note: I miss lots of people...but not in the same way that I did when I first got up here. It's not crippling anymore. It's just one of those things in the back of my mind that I start thinking about when I have time.) They all mean so much to me. Basically, I would do anything in my power to help them with anything they needed.

My ward/stake family back in Mesa. Lots of fond memories with the kids my age, those younger than me in Young Women, and the awesome leaders. They helped strengthen me a lot.

There's my ward family here. I seriously LOVE my ward. There's so many incredible people. I learn so much in sacrament meeting, Sunday School, and Relief Society. I'm grateful to be in this ward.

Then there's my roommates. Awesomeness on a stick. Or sticks, I guess. My family here in Flagstaff. I couldn't ask for better roommates. They put up with me...sometimes better than my actual family...haha. I was really nervous about having roommates at first, but the bond that I've made with each of them makes me feel foolish for having worries at all. It's always happy time in my apartment when all 5 of us are in the apartment together. There's so much service that goes on, so much love, laughter, craziness...just absolutely amazingness. Basically, I love us.

But...there's also another family member out there. He doesn't have much love for us. He is Satan. I don't know why it struck me so strong yesterday, but the teacher said that Satan is our brother. His greatest desire is to make us miserable for eternity. To have dominion over us. It just got me thinking. I have this great big family - by blood or not - so am I treated the people within it right? Or am I making them miserable with selfishness? Family is incredibly important, no matter what kind of family. I should think a little bit (or a lot) less of myself and more of those around me, those that I love. Am I expressing that love? Am I showing that I care for them? I don't want to be like Satan...I don't want to be the one that stabs everyone that cares about me in the heart. I'm sure Satan used to love us. He just grew to love himself more. Does he still love us? But his jealously and bitterness simply overwhelms that love?

Sometimes I feel bad for him, no matter how difficult he likes to make life sometimes. He's forgotten the joy of loving others, and that caring about others and their needs instead of tearing them down is so much more freeing than any power you could ever gain. Thinking about others instead of yourself lifts you up instead of making your miserable - because thinking about yourself WILL make you miserable. You'll either start to pity yourself or thinking you're better than you really are.

Think about your family - all of them. What do they mean to you? I...simply can't imagine doing what Satan has done, and is doing to us, people who he perhaps once loved and love him back. But, I guess there's a fear...that maybe I do sometimes make others' lives miserable. Sometimes,maybe, I'm too selfish and I think of my desires before anything else. Maybe instead of lifting them up, I somehow tear them down without even knowing. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be like Satan...I want to be good. I want to love, and show that love. I want to be a sister like Christ is a brother to us. Definitely a new thing to work on.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it's frustrating...

•  When things pile up in my life and I thought I had finally started handling things well.
• When life seems to perfect one day and then the next day I feel like I'm going to explode from the tension inside of me.
• When teachers give out silly assignments and then don't get back to me when I have a question.
• When I try my hardest to fit the things in my life that I need to - like scripture study - and even when I do, things seem to be harder than most times I've experienced.
• When I'm so exhausted no matter what I do, and I have zero time for even a five minute nap so I feel like I'm going to collapse.
• When I know I'm being obnoxious because I'm tired and stressed but I can't seem to find the self-control inside of me to stop.
• When I can feel myself regressing, but I'm too tired to try to stop myself.
• When I'm not only tired physically,  but also mentally, emotionally...maybe even spiritually...

BUT!! Sometimes, I realized how blessed I am, how much I have to be grateful for, how much I know this is where I'm meant to be...

• When I have roommates who will do the dishes on my day to do them
• When my roommates put up with me being in my ridiculous, crazy, annoying, I-need-to-sleep-for-an-entire-day moods
• When my roommates laugh at me or sympathize when I complain instead of rolling their eyes because it's annoying how much I complain.
• When my roommates have made me dinner (and didn't eat it...) on a Wednesday, the day I have a class that lasts until 8 at night. 
• When Mike still wants to spend time with me, even when I'm being obnoxious and slightly annoying from stress and lack of sleep.
• When I don't have to do my part check for choir on Wednesday, and get to do it on Friday.
• When I ask Erika to change my password on Facebook after a really bad day, because I need to learn to time-manage, so she does it, but will let me on occasionally.
• When Yolie, my boss, offers me a new job in the new department she and someone else is setting up on campus, and it's a job that fits me even better than the one I have now.
• When I have friends who support me when I am feeling my lowest.
• When I have friends who will listen to me, whether it's venting or just needing someone to talk to.
• When I have friends who urge me to do my best and to be my best.
• When I know my friends care about me and are trying to help me.
• When I go to choir feeling like crap, but then we sing a certain song so that I can't help but smile and feel good inside.
• When I sing in the adult session of stake conference in the institute choir, and I feel the spirit so incredibly strong.
• Heck, when I get to sing in the institute choir!
• When I say a prayer asking for help with something, and I'm able to recognize the help the Lord is giving me.

Sometimes...we have trials in our lives. Trials are not meant to be easy. This particular one is definitely testing EVERYTHING. My endurance. My strength. My patience. My faith. But, the Lord constantly sends help my way. He never leaves me alone, no matter how discouraged I get or how dark things feel. He sends me little moments, little tender mercies that allow me to see the light, thought sometimes I don't realize it until after it passes.

Sometimes...things are hard. Things end up being very different that what you expected. But the Lord has a plan.

Sometimes it's hard to keep perspective when you're in the midst of a trial. I think that's why the Lord will give me little respites, so I can remember all that He's given me.

Life has gotten hard for me. But I can't help but see how blessed I am. Sometimes...I just need little reminders.

I'm just lovin' life!

So it's been like two weeks since I last posted...life has gotten pretty busy for me. But, I seriously am just loving it all right now. School is...hectic. The past couple of weeks. I was having a really hard time trying to find the balance for everything. School, work, social life, church. It got intense for a little while. But, things have seemed to come together. Granted, it's not like life is going to be perfect. Heck, I woke up today with swollen glands. If I get any sicker, that means no work, and miserable school. BUT!! That's ok. Anyways, I'm just gonna give a little recap of the past two weeks.

Labor Day weekend, I went down to the Valley. (Funny how I've started calling Mesa the Valley. I never did that before. The influences of Flag, I guess.) It was an...interesting experience. To make a long story short, I simply learned that Mesa is not my home anymore. While there are people there that I love, and people there that care about me, it's just not where I'm meant to be. It's nice to visit, but not for very long. My life isn't there anymore, and the people's lives there don't involve me anymore (that sounds more awful than it really is, trust me. I don't want anyone feeling bad.) So, Flag is home for me at the moment. I know I've said that before, but I always had Mesa in the back of my mind too, but, it's not home anymore.

Then, there was school. Pretty much typical Beth. Stressing, worrying, trying to fit everything in. Having an essay to write, but procrastinating and not focusing. There was this forever long choir rehearsal of the Holiday Dinner we do. It made me miss Mrs. Jones, my old choir teacher SO incredibly much. All the warm ups she did were exactly like hers. We're singing a song that we sang my junior year, in essentially the same exact way. Granted this is all because she went to NAU for school, so that's where she learned everything. But it made me nostalgic. And reminded me why I love singing so much! Mrs. Jones instilled a love of choir in me. I enjoyed it in junior high, but in reality...it wasn't a real choir class. I didn't learn anything until high school choir. And then I didn't just like choir and like singing, I LOVED it! And it only increased with each year of choir.

And then the weekend. Fabulous, let me tell you. There was that choir thing that was...draining. But like I said, I love singing, so it was bearable. Then I hung out with Katie Alston for a little bit. I seriously LOVE having her up here. Then...I went on a date. I went swing dancing (sorta) and then watched an incredible lightning storm. (For those of you who know me well...you can interpret the fact that I went dancing on a date however you wish...) On Sunday I gave my first Relief Society lesson. and I think is was a success. I was super nervous while I was giving it, but everyone said they couldn't tell, and that they really liked it. So I'll just take it and pretend like I'm an awesome teacher! After giving the initial lesson, I think I may really enjoy teaching. I love sharing my testimony with people and sharing knowledge with others. Plus, it's just nice to have a calling, because then I know this is where I'm supposed to be, or else the Lord wouldn't have called me to it. Plus, you get blessings when you have a calling. I'll take whatever blessings I can get right now!

And then yesterday was just...happy. No other word for it. I just got things done, I was productive. Everything seemed to be going well. I'm not even feeling stressed! I can't remember the last time I didn't feel stressed! It's just wonderful to feel this way right now. To be so happy. To be surrounded by the amazing people that I am. To be able to go to church, and to have a job, and to be able to learn in school. Sometimes, I just need a reminder of how good life is, and how I should be more grateful for the things in it. Just because life gets a little hard doesn't mean there aren't blessings hidden. There always will be a positive thing in your life. You just have to look for it. Yes. Life is good.

Sometimes I like to pity myself.

It's true...I do. And it causes problems. You see, feeling bad for yourself just digs you in a deeper pit. I was sitting in my Women and Music class (I seriously already love this class, and I've only had it two days.) when I found out there were a few things I was supposed to have read and listened to, which I didn't. Probably because I was falling asleep when we were told to read/listen to stuff. So, I started to freak out a little bit on the inside. Then, building on that, I started thinking about all the reading and stuff that I still had to do, and was just assigned. I felt like I was falling behind, and it was only my second day of classes. (I don't have any classes Tuesday and Thursday, just work.)

So, when I was walking home, I started texting a couple friends about it. Because I wanted pity. Fortunately, I have amazing friends. The two friends that I decided to text did not give me any pity. I'm sure they felt bad that I was freaking out...but they didn't go "Oh, poor sweet baby!" on me. Which was good. I literally thought, as I was texting them, "This is silly. I'll be fine. I'm just freaking out. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I don't need to. I'll be fine." But, I ignored that thought. And texted them. And started feeling even worse. I was digging my pit.

In all honesty, I do have a tendency to stress over things. Yes, they are things that I should probably be worrying a bit about, but not to the extent that I do. So, I started stressing about school work...and then a whole bunch of other things started coming to mind. I really do have lotsa stuff to deal with right now...but it's no different than any other college kid.

So one friend, Erika, was just like, "Oh, you're doing fine! You don't need to stress! You'll adjust in a little while." And perky things like that. Helpful. But not what I wanted from her.

My other friend, McKenna, was a little bit less...perky...about it. I don't know what she was thinking, but it probably was something like, "Beth. You're being ridiculous. Suck it up." (But in nicer words.) Just completely no-nonsense with me. I really was freaking out by the time our conversation started going. I was way past my whole, I'm-being-silly thing and into a full-fledged I-want-pity-because-my-life-is-so-hard thing. Not a good attitude to have, and I feel utterly pathetic for feeling it, even for the half an hour to an hour that I did. So, she finally just told me to pray, because nothing is impossible with God. My reply was pathetic (but partially true.) I said that I have been praying, and I was still freaking out, so I felt like I was doing something wrong. (My problem was that I wasn't praying when I was freaking out. I was pitying myself instead.) Her response was...very brutal to my ego. I have a pretty big one, you see. I just try to hide it. She said, "Ya, you don't have enough faith. You just have to believe He will come through." I looked at that first sentence for about 10 seconds. And then just burst into tears. At first I was incredulous that she would even dare think that about me. But then, I realized, there was some truth to it. I didn't have enough faith to suck up my pity of myself to pray for His comfort and strength. And I felt...incredibly guilty. My scripture study lately, and in institute last night, there's been a lot of focus on relying on the Lord in your hard times, and having good prayers. So, I started praying with all my heart, asking for help, and for forgiveness of my pig-headedness. And, about 30 seconds later, I felt completely better. Seriously, night and day difference.

Moral of this story: I'm pathetic. Don't pity yourself. Go to the Lord immediately when things start getting tough. And, have good friends, who can guide you when you need it. I'm SO grateful to have friends who will say what I need to hear. This isn't the first time I've felt sorry for myself, wanted pity, and didn't get it. Every time that's happened, my friends have pointed me in the right direction, instead of giving outright pity. I just...need to ask for help. Help and pity are two different things. Definitely still learning that.

shtuff-ness

So. It's been two weeks since I posted last. I've been one busy soul. Work has slowly taken over my life. This week I worked many hours. wonderful for my paycheck, and I've very grateful for it. But I would go home from work completely exhausted. It was sooooooo busy. And then there were people who were working longer hours than me. I pretty much died just thinking about working that long. (By the way, I pretty much love my coworkers and my boss. They all are super cool.)

All my roommates are finally here! All five of us are together, now. It's been fun. I landed in a wonderful apartment. I am so lucky/blessed for that. It's just a reminder of how I really am meant to be here...otherwise I would not have been so lucky.

Oh! Oh! KATIE ALSTON FINALLY MOVED UP TO FLAGSTAFF!!!! I'm excited. Can't you tell? But, really. Pretty much the highlight of this week. It was absolutely wonderful to be able to jump right in and talk to her about things, and feel completely comfortable to do it. The only thing that was lacking was ice cream. But that's ok, because we were in a practice room in the music building, so we ended up doing some singing. Singing kinda has the same effect as ice cream in just about ever sense, at least for me. Except singing doesn't make you fat...It was great to be able to sing with someone again. I've missed it SO much. It's one of the reasons why I miss choir so much. (PS I totally made Women's Chorale. Woot! And I'm doing institute choir. Two choirs this semester! Happiness on a stick.) It was especially nice because we were in Chamber together, so it was sorta like old times...minus, you know, singing with everyone else.

So...life has been pretty busy. Hanging out with peeps. Work. Went on a date. Getting a wee bit homesick again, because it's been over a month (almost two) since I've been to Mesa and then Katie came up with her plethora of pictures, which brought of wave of nostalgia. School starts on Monday. (Finally.) It hit me yesterday that I was actually starting college. I mean, I've been living on my own for two and a half months. Why should college be so scary? But...I just started feeling so little again. Just about everyone I've been hanging out with is out of their teens. A few are still 19, and even fewer are 18. I'm just so...little! I feel like I've been playing dress-up or something by hanging out with all these big kids, who have so much more experience in, well, pretty much everything you can think of.

So. We'll see where these next few days take me. Hopefully I'll feel more grown up soon...but, on a more happy note, today is Sunday! And that means church! And this is the first Sunday that the YSA wards are separated, so this will be the first Sunday that the Flagstaff YSA 1st ward will meet together. I'm excited. And I just love feeling the spirit. I've been kinda lacking it lately, because I haven't been focusing on things like my scripture study and prayers...so I need a wee bit more of it. Yay for church!

Two months

Yesterday was August 13th. What's the significance of the this? Well, it marked the two month anniversary of me moving to Flagstaff. It's so crazy to think that I've been living up here for that long. I've been living on my own, paying my own bills, taking care of myself, being solely responsible for myself for two months. I've visited Mesa two times in these two months. (The same amount of times my sister Amy visited Mesa in her whole first semester, as she will often times bitterly remind me when I complain....) I've learned and progressed much these two months. But, at the same time I've done some regressing. I've yet to find the right balance of work, play, and spirituality. I've made many good friends. And in this few months time, I may have even made a few friends that will last, perhaps, into the eternities. I feel like I've strengthened friendships with those in Mesa, despite the fact that we no longer live in the same city. For two months, I have not received a cent of money from my parents. (Goldfish...yes. And perhaps a new belt because when I put on my old one, it was so torn up that it felt like I had no belt on.) My first paycheck up here allowed me to pay more tithing than I ever had at one time. I've come to the point where I'm excited to pay tithing, because it had been awhile since I could pay tithing. And because I feel like I need those blessings associated with tithing. I've paid for student fees and bought 4 out of my 5 textbooks,with all my own money. I've created a way to reward myself without stressing myself out with how much (or little...) money I have. I've started answering phones at work (one of the most intimidating things I've ever done in my life). I've taken care of some adult stuff all by myself...and have some other stuff I still need to do, because I keep forgetting about it.

Above all, I am happy up here. Yes, I get stressed (that's pretty much a given), homesick (usually when things like the first day of school happens for my friends, or my mom's birthday), and  I get into some blue funks. But, overall, I. Am. Happy. Which proves that I am doing what I'm supposed to, that I am where I'm supposed to be. To confirm this even more, I have been given a calling. Last week I was set apart as a relief society instructor. Intimidating...yes. Most definitely! But...I'm almost excited to start teaching. At least once I look past the fact that I'm one of the youngest people there.

Two months. I've been here for two months. I've been coping on my own for two months. It's been over a month since I've seen Mesa and all my peeps that reside there. Two months down...about 4 years to go...I've got this. The Lord is on my side. He will guide me as I work to become the person I am meant to be...and maybe I'll be able to give Satan a few kicks in the face in the process. Two months. I wonder what the next two months will bring me?

Friends

I've done a lot of...feeling the last few hours. So much feeling that I almost lost feeling for a little bit, if that makes sense. I went from an emotional high to apathy. I have...feeling back. It's much more mellow, but more...intense. If that makes sense. It's like...a dull, continuing pain, instead of a sharp, quick one. Except it's not bad.

Rewind. My senior year I learned the importance of having really good friends you can rely on. I had/have a tendency to try to keep things to myself and try to deal with them on my own.

Go forward. Just about two months ago, I moved to Flagstaff. I knew basically three people here. I left those good friends that I had made. It was hard. But, then I made new ones, who are equally as amazing as my Mesa peeps.

Now, the present. Ish. A friend called me tonight. I am super glad this person called me. It's been awhile since we've talked. But, it was a painful talk. This friend told me something that...I am extremely grateful to be told. Simply because it showed the closeness of our friendship. But it was something that hurt me more than it probably should have. Simply because emotions are a hard thing to control. (It wasn't anything awful. It's not like a crime or a major sin or anything, in case you're getting extremely curious. Just something that happened. So stop being curious.) So. I was hurt. But...I discovered something. I wasn't mad in any way. No bitterness. I almost wanted to be bitter. Instead there was only two feelings: love and hurt. It's a funny combination.

I wrote everything in my journal. I had to tell someone even if it wasn't a really person. And writing in my journal is very therapeutic. And I asked myself...why does love hurt?

I texted the question to another friend. Who I then ended up talking on the phone to. Love is an interesting thing. I was going to say funny...but then decided I didn't like that word to describe it. I think hurt is the only thing there's room for with love - the friend I called told me where there's love, God is also there. It got me thinking about Christ. And the Atonement. Throughout the process of the Atonement, Christ felt so much hurt.    Why? Because He loves us. I think that hurt, as long as there's no bitterness or anger, or things like that, is a sign of selflessness. Hurt combined with love. But only in that combination. Anyways. After talking to this friend for half an hour...I felt better. But probably because this was when I started feeling nothing.

Before I called my friend and after  I texted her (you got that?) another friend noticed  that I was upset. (I try to hide things like that. By checking the mail. And things like that.) So she tried to help. But I was being cryptic and so she did really the only thing she could do, and gave me a hug, and just let me know she was there for me. Have I ever mentioned how much I love hugs. I don't generally give them out, but I feel like a hug can be the most comforting thing when I'm upset. I feel like they are one of the best ways to show that you care, without words - because you all know how crappy I am with words, when I'm not writing. Which is also why I don't give them out that often. Because I'm crappy at expressing myself, even without words! And I want them to mean something when I give them.

So.The lessons that I learned this night. 1. It doesn't matter where I am, the Lord will place people in my path that will be able to lift me up. 2. Distance doesn't matter. Friends are friends, and true friends will always be there for you. And 3. Love will often hurt. But it's still worth it. Because if a friendship is destroyed after hurt...it wasn't a very strong friendship to begin with. It wasn't based on love, and therefore wasn't really much of a friendship.

I am so grateful for my friends, both in Mesa and in Flagstaff. And in other places. I have been incredibly blessed by the Lord with the people who have crossed my path - I'm grateful that I've been living my life in a way that had allowed me to cross paths with these people. Sometimes I feel like I don't tell my friends this enough...but I really do love them. I'm an awkward person, so I feel awkward telling them that. Heck, I've only recently started telling family that. It's something that I definitely need to work on, in spite of the awkwardness.

It's good to know that I have friends who will be there for me whenever I need them. And if for some reason they can't be, then Jesus Christ will always, always be there.

What about about your friends? Are they as awesome as mine? It'd be pretty tough.

Dreams

I've been thinking about psychology a lot recently. I don't really know why...it couldn't possibly be because that's what I'm majoring in and I had to fight to get put into my developmental psych class instead of lame psych 101. But, really. I'm getting really excited for school to start. Part of that is because of my psych class. the other part is getting to do choir again.

Anyways. Psychology. One of the standard questions for people to ask you up here, if they don't know you and find out you're going to college: "What's your major?" The next question: "What do you want to do with that?" Every time I answer that question, the desire to actually do it is renewed in me. It strengthens my resolve to do it. I decided  that it's something I want to try to do even when/if I have a family of my own.

So what do I want to do with my psych major? I want to go through LDS church services, and become a psychologist/therapist/counselor/whatever-you-want-to-call-it for children and teens. Every time I've told someone who actually has experience or has dealt with psychologists in church services, they seem to think it's the best idea ever.

This is just something I feel so strongly about. For a little while, I was concerned that the only reason why I chose psych was because that's what my sister Amy is doing. Ever since I was little, I had this tendency to like whatever she liked/try to do what she did. (Except I played sports (sorta) and she didn't. And she did violin while I played the drums/percussion.) So I was worried that maybe my motives weren't what I thought they were. But then I thought back  on the day I made the decision to change my major. It was really random. I had this idea in my head of what my life was going to be. I was going to major in music education. After I finished my first four years of college, I was going to get married - if that for some reason didn't happen, then I would become a music teacher. (I still hadn't decided on choir or band yet.) If I did get married, I would become a private music teacher, so I could make some money on the side of whatever my husband was making. It seemed like the perfect plan to me. But, then, I started talking to my sister, Christina. In this conversation, I started thinking/talking about how I wanted to help people - my ultimate goal in life is to make a difference in the world. And I started thinking about some of the things I've gone through. Not exactly big things, but maybe some things that could have effect me worse. And the only reason why they didn't effect me worse was because of the Gospel in my life and how it has taught me to have a good relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It has taught me to cope and to be happy, even in the midst of trials. Then I had the realization: The Gospel is the best therapy there is. And there it was. I suddenly had the desire to use my knowledge of the Gospel to help other people get though their own trials and be happy. Church services plus a knowledge of psychology could help make this possible. So, that's been my plan for about one and a half years, maybe two.

Will this change? Maybe. Plans change. But the best way to change you plans is while your chasing your dreams. Because you never know if that dream is right for you, unless you go after it. And sometimes those dreams change...but that's ok. My dreams right now include getting married (eventually), getting enough schooling done to become a psychologist, being a good mom, making people happy, and, of course, making a difference in the world. Everything I do right now is in attempts to achieve those dreams.

What are your dreams? What's important to you? What will you do to chase your dreams?

I'm going to leave you with this picture:

There is no purpose for this picture. I just felt like showing it. The end.

Flagstaffness

In the movie I Am Number Four, there's this quote. "A place is only as good as the people you know in it."

As time goes on, I settle more and more in. I've been here for over a month - about a month and a half. Crazy stuff. I feel like I've grown SO much in this past month and a half. And it hasn't even been that difficult - minus the first week, but I try to ignore that week. In fact, it's been so easy that I'm a wee bit afraid for what the Lord has in store for me...the calm before the storm is what I feel like I'm experiencing.

Anyways. I've gotten really comfortable up here. I just love the people I'm around. For the days that I was roommateless, I had to go out of my shell a little bit - it probably was really good for me. I'm still not like super outgoing - I'm almost never outgoing. But I'm not staying in the apartment all the time. I'm going out of my bubble a bit. In fact, I've gotten super sarcastic again. So sarcastic, in fact, that I'm afraid of being too mean. But I've told people to hit me if I get to mean. And this sarcasm is just proof that I'm comfortable up here and the people that I'm around.

Flagstaff has become to feel like home. And all because the people are wonderful. They're welcoming, loving, kind, and hilarious. I'm still missing my friends and family. It comes in waves. It's been particularly strong the past few days, but at the same time, I'm realized just how blessed I am by the people I'm surrounded by. So...I'm missing people, but I'm not sad about it. Because my friends up here are just as amazing as those in Mesa.

Flagstaff is...amazing. I truly am blessed to call this place home, for how ever long or short my stay is. I can't believe how everything has fallen into place. My job is great (boring for the time being, but great). I see my sister and brother in law basically everyday. I hang out with friends everyday. And I. Am. Happy. What more could I ask for?

ps. In like the past week and a half I've gotten three letters/cards. Every time my day was made. You want to make this chica happy? Send her a letter. Yes I'm pathetic enough to ask for letters on my blog. Don't judge me! :) I mostly just love letters.

To those who came before me

To those who came before me in seasons long ago 
To those who are the loved-ones that I have yet to know 
To those whose noble names I bear, whose light within me burns 
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned 

To those whose lives of courage prepared the way for me 
Whose works became my heritage, whose harvest I may reap 
Who left for me a legacy that I have yet to earn 
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned 

To those who came before me in days and years long past 
To those who are the family that I shall know at last 
Who laid a sure foundation for the truth that I have learned 
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned 

  - Sally Deford

Today is Pioneer Day. Most people outside of the LDS faith have no clue what this is. This is the day we celebrate and show gratitude for those who crossed the plains and went into the Rockie mountains, to escape persecution and establish a place to worship freely. This is the reason that Utah, especially Salt Lake City, is Mormon Central - Mormons have lived there for over 100 years!

They suffered so much for us. I have ancestors who were pioneers. Some even helped settle Arizona, and some old buildings still have bricks made by them. Because of these wonderful people, I am who I am today, I live where I live today. I'm around the people that I am today. I am this person:

Beth Ann Root. A mostly happy soul and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

But...there are many kinds of pioneers, not just those who crossed the plains so many years ago. Each and every one of us have ancestors, people who have come before us, who have left a legacy for us. Because of them, we are who we are today. Think about them, and what they had to suffer - because I can guarantee they did suffer!

Something I've recently been thinking about, is the legacy I'm leaving. I think about my family - the legacy my parents will be leaving.

It's not just a huge amount of family that's their legacy (this isn't even all of us!) It's what they've taught us - and those around them! It's the example they've been, the people they've influenced. The testimony they've instilled in their children and the people they've taught.

So, what is my legacy going to be? I don't have a family that I lead yet. But I have the family in the above picture. What have I done within it to create a legacy worth remembering. What about this family?:

My Chamber family. What have I done that will mean something to my friends and those around me and they will remember, that will somehow be passed down to future generations? Is my life going to mean something to someone? Or will it be completely pointless?

So....what kind of legacy are you leaving? Think about the people in the past that you look up to - to those who came before you. What was it that they did that you look up to so much? I'm sure that when they were doing it, they didn't expect it to effect a person in the far present. They were doing what they thought was right. I believe the way to leave a legacy is to do just that. Live the way you think is right - not falter or changing because of fear. Just be you, and you will change the life of someone, if not multiple people around you, and you WILL leave a legacy. On this day, I think about those who came before me, and how strong  they were, and how faithful they were. And I strive to become as they were.

Squirrels, chipmunks, and ducks

I realized that it's been a week since I last posted. I know. Shocking. Could it be that I actually have a...life?! I know. Shocking. I was walking home from institute with my friend Erika Tenney when I had the sudden realization about this. So I asked her what I should do a post about. Her reply: "Squirrels, chipmunks, and ducks. But mostly chipmunks and ducks." Instead, I think...I'm going to blog about Erika, if you guys don't mind.

Ok. Here's the deal. There's LOTS I could be telling you about. Like how I have a job now. How I thought I would be roommateless for the week (but then Whitney showed up last night. I like not being the only one in the apartment). How I saw Harry Potter yesterday for freeeeee! How I've had an obsession with the song Lollipop by Mika. But, instead, I just really want to ramble on about Erika.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm...awkward. (According to McKenna I'm not shy. Just awkward.) So making friends isn't something that I feel like comes...naturally to me. Not that I'm like anit-social, but it often times takes a wee bit for me to get close to somebody. Something about Erika just...clicked. For example. She came over to the apartment one night - there were a few other people over too. My roommates invited her to running with them the next morning. I somehow got roped into running also. So, we went running. When we got back, everyone left to go to work and stuff, except me and Erika. She ended up staying for like an hour and we just...talked. (remember how I never do that? Not normal.)

So. let me tell you a bit about Erika. She's a little bit crazy. That's ok. I am too. She's silly. She makes me laugh SO much. She's easy to talk to. She's one of the sweetest girls I know. She thinks about others. She's a little self-conscious at  times, which makes me want to just shake that nonsense out of her and tell her how amazing she is. And she has a brother that just got off his mission and plays the piano...

Why am I telling you all of this? Well...I had an experience last night. I for some reason was just feeling...crappy. Blue. Glum. For no reason. Usually there's a reason. I usually I can shake it. But I couldn't. I hate that feeling. I just didn't know what to do. But then Erika did the most simple thing ever. She was at the apartment next door and came to invite me to hang out with them. Just...super simple. Smallest of gestures. Wasn't that hard. But...it changed my night. When I went back home to go to bed, I had a realization.

There's a reason why I liked Erika right off the bat. She is so close to the Savior. She exemplifies Him.  For whatever reason, the Lord felt it necessary to cause our paths to cross, and it makes me feel so lucky to be able to cross paths with an amazing daughter of God like her. And there's so many other people like her up here. I'm so grateful to Heavenly Father for putting me up here at this time, for leading me, for allowing me to meet so many amazing people in such a short amount of time. It's been a life changing month. Yes. It's been a month and 6 days since I've been up here...crazy. But, yes. Literally life changing. For the better! And a lot of that has to do with the people around me.

So, moral of the story: not just that Erika is amazing, but you are amazing. I'm sure Erika isn't like "Let's see if I can make Beth think I'm AWESOME!" No. She's being herself, and that is how she is making a difference in my life - and in the world. So, just be you, my friends. You never know just who you are impacting simply by being yourself.

Man. I am SO lucky. I'm just loving life right now. Yes, there's stress and frustrations...but it's still great. Love it.